To be pissed off DP has left me with his ex’s child and gone to work?

[NebulaNomad]

My DP has a 15 year old DS with his ex, he was a teenager when he was born as was his ex. They broke up when he was young but they still are good friends and as a result as am I. Some people find that weird but it works and it's better to be civil even though his son is older now.

We have an 8 week old together and his ex has a 4yo and a 16 month old with her ex. She split with their dad when the youngest was a few months old and he has no contact with her or the children. Her 4yo has a heart condition so we help if we can with her youngest when he has appointments so she can focus properly on the 4yo and also due to the hospital being abour an hour and half away by train so it’d be a nightmare with the buggy and it not really being fair on her being cooped up in her buggy

Her 4yo is having his open heart surgery today he's already had a lot of surgeries etc in his short life bless him but his mum is still understandably worried. They have access to the Ronald McDonald (I think it's called?) house but he will be on the HDU/Icu and babies aren't allowed and she doesn't want to leave her 4yo alone who has had major surgery.

We agreed to have her, my stepson is also here obviously. DP has paternity leave of up to 6 months but he has only taken a month so far and is looking for more during the summer so we can go on holiday with our baby and his son.

Anyway, he booked this week as AL as we are having little one for a minimum of a week as the 4yo is likely to be in hospital for at least a week. DP has said he will take things whatever she needs and will be with the 4yo for a few hours so she can have a break but mostly it'll be just his ex as her family are abroad

Except... He's gone into work today because he's “short staffed” so I'm here with a 16mo who just wants to run around and my 8 week old. I know parents have this age gap but this isn't what I agreed to

Aibu to be pissed off?

You need a really serious conversation with him that now you have a baby together, he cannot leave the house or make any plans without making childcare arrangements first.

He has started this new phase of life with you just assuming that you are the default carer for his child. Nip this in the bud. Or this will be your life going forward, him running around doing whatever he likes and you left holding the baby.

Sling for Velcro baby and buggy for toddler - getting out will be good for you all if can manage it

tho hopefully toddler is asleep now for afternoon nap

BT Give 4mths paternity paid leave

Call him and say he either gets home right now or you will call Social Services and say he has abandoned a 16mo child.

He has no care for you or his baby, he just wants to look good to his ex and colleagues. What a wanker. Read him the riot act now.

For those who have said this is an exceptional circumstance - yes, it is. Exceptional enough that he shouldn't have shown his usual willingness to cover illness at work and should've said no!

Yanbu. I'd also not be agreeing to care for his exs children that aren't his kids in the future, he can do what he likes but I'd be telling him under absolutely no circumstances will you be left doing it.

I'd not contact the mum as seems very unfair on her and the 4 year old given that you did agree (although you believed he would be there doing it) and let it slide this once but I'd be clear I'd not be doing it again and unless DH is doing it, the child's mother will have to be called to collect and/or she will have to sort alternative childcare if he's called into work during that time in the future.

That is not the point of this thread, I don't think you're helping.

But he's not taking responsibility of the other child, that is the whole point! He just wants to look like big billy bollocks to his ex and colleagues.

Don't sell your low bar here, it's not wanted.

People just like.to eat some popcorn and throw grenades into a situation where there is a 4 year old getting heart surgery.

Some people need to grow up and remember there could be real people involved here and it's not a competition to see how can give the most dramatic response

Exceptional enough that he shouldn't have shown his usual willingness to cover illness at work and should've said no!

Exactly.

He was so busy covering for people who didn't turn up for work that he failed to turn up for his own work childminding his ex's dd.

Is he stupid or what? Surely he can see that he's done exactly what he complains other people do.

The difference is childcare is a thankless task and he'll be the big man for going in.

This really shows how little he values you as a mother OP.

I'd be raging.

Can you go out tomorrow with just 8 week old before he does?

Don't tell him, just go. See how he likes it.

Omg OP when you said he'd gone in because 'he' was short-staffed I thought he ran his own business and had no choice - but he's just gone into work where he is one of many working in a warehouse?!!

I don't blame you for being pissed off. Obviously there is nothing you can do today really given the wider situation, but I'd be having a serious chat with him when he gets home later. Absolutely not on to leave you with a tiny baby and a young toddler to manage by yourself when he has already booked the week off.

Seeing as he really didn’t have to pick up the slack at work, you’re very right to be extremely pissed off. What a twat.

It's absolutely not okay. He's 100% taking the piss.

As much as this is not ok and you having to step up because he’s gone to work…I have to commend you all and how you are
co-parenting a family that would otherwise be struggling.
I do hope that the ex appreciates all the support you’re both giving her.
I also guess that your partner is the kind of bloke who wants to do the right thing by everybody.
Sorry my comment is probably no support to you at all.

Can't the 15 year old help out more? Kids of 15 used to already be at work 30 /40 years ago. Can't he take the 16 month year old out to park help get her to sleep and it's his sibling.
I would be annoyed but think you are doing a really nice kind thing helping the ex out.

Call me cynical but I can't help thinking this t-shirt story seems to have come up very conveniently for your DH when he's been put on the back foot to explain his own actions (or inactions). He never thought to mention the confrontation with this woman before now??

Whether your DH is up to no good or not, he's definitely not being very open or transparent with you, and doesn't appear to have been particularly supportive of you.

The problem here is you've both made the decision to help ex and her children for a long time...you both made the decision to take in the kids while one of hers has heart surgery. However short staffed isn't exactly an excuse either to go to work and tbh my dh would jump at some extra shifts now and just the rising cost of fuel has started to hit our savings this week. I get what your saying you didn't agree but you kindof started agreeing by making friends of the whole family other than your dh child so I wouldn't be fuming at mine

Given your updates, I think you are within your rights to give him an earful. He may be happy to be walked all over by work, that doesn't give him licence to take you for granted.

If they are going to give him double time for bailing them out then you are having a different conversation about this but I'm guessing not and he is just stopping his mgmt team from having a difficult conversation with malingering colleagues.

Sorry I have no idea how my post has ended up on a completely different thread to the one I was replying to! Please ignore😑

Agree, because sometimes employers are very unsympathetic these days and would use this as an excuse to get rid/downsize. Whether his hours/conditions are at risk is relevant. Maybe legally they can't make you come in when you're on AL, but it can come back to bite you if you "aren't a team player". Because I'd always done "a bit extra" in one job, they were more flexible when I had family illness and bereavement than they were with others. No, I don't think that's ok, just as I think a lot of things aren't, but sometimes, in reality, you have to pick which hills to die on-say for example if you were working and there literally was no one else to watch the kids.
(Before anyone says OP's on mat leave, I mean if she was self-employed, as some women who are don't take any leave/if for whatever reason no one else was home, he'd have to refuse to go in).

TBH OP I think you have both offered to help DP ex (and that is commendable) I understand that it isn't ideal with a 16 month and newborn but it's not the end of the world and it's short term. Stick cbeebies/netflix on & have a lazy chill day or if you can then wrap them both up, put baby in a carrier and little one in the buggy and take a walk to a park for an hour to break the afternoon up. Then when DSS gets home from school ask him to help whilst you get some jobs done and tea on etc. Then get DP to step in and cover tonight so you can chill for abit.

I don’t get what all the fuss it about. Honestly I don’t. Unless there’s some issue looking after an 8 week old and a toddler is not that difficult. It’s only for today. Or at most a week. At 8 weeks it just feeding and sleeping. Take them both to a baby playgroup in the mornings, sit back and feed the baby while the toddler burns off some energy. Someone will lend a hand if you’ve a baby glued to your boob. Home for a some lunch and nap. By the time the toddler is up in the afternoon the teenager will be home from school for a quick run to the park or play in the garden. Bit of supper and some tv and bath time. Your DH should be home by then for help at bedtime and he can make the dinner while you settle the baby.

I just don’t understand all the anger and hostility on MN. It’s like everyone has to be bloody angry all the time.

Maybe legally they can't make you come in when you're on AL, but it can come back to bite you if you "aren't a team player".

He took AL to look after a 16 month old. Who on earth do you think is going to think he isn't a 'team player' for not covering for other workers who literally just didn't show up for work?

It's weird that your title is "ex's child" but the post says the mother is your friend and you and DP both agreed to care for the child. The title is quite misleading, or do you feel your DP has more responsibility for the child than you do because it's his ex's?

What an absolutely ridiculous suggestion! It would destroy the family and it sounds like they usually have a good dynamic that benefits all the children.

You need to sit down when he gets home later and discuss this. He needs to be less available to his managers now he has more responsibilities at home. The managers will have to sort out the situation with people skiving.

I would suck it up today, you will be having a better day than your DP's ex.