To be pissed off DP has left me with his ex’s child and gone to work?

[NebulaNomad]

My DP has a 15 year old DS with his ex, he was a teenager when he was born as was his ex. They broke up when he was young but they still are good friends and as a result as am I. Some people find that weird but it works and it's better to be civil even though his son is older now.

We have an 8 week old together and his ex has a 4yo and a 16 month old with her ex. She split with their dad when the youngest was a few months old and he has no contact with her or the children. Her 4yo has a heart condition so we help if we can with her youngest when he has appointments so she can focus properly on the 4yo and also due to the hospital being abour an hour and half away by train so it’d be a nightmare with the buggy and it not really being fair on her being cooped up in her buggy

Her 4yo is having his open heart surgery today he's already had a lot of surgeries etc in his short life bless him but his mum is still understandably worried. They have access to the Ronald McDonald (I think it's called?) house but he will be on the HDU/Icu and babies aren't allowed and she doesn't want to leave her 4yo alone who has had major surgery.

We agreed to have her, my stepson is also here obviously. DP has paternity leave of up to 6 months but he has only taken a month so far and is looking for more during the summer so we can go on holiday with our baby and his son.

Anyway, he booked this week as AL as we are having little one for a minimum of a week as the 4yo is likely to be in hospital for at least a week. DP has said he will take things whatever she needs and will be with the 4yo for a few hours so she can have a break but mostly it'll be just his ex as her family are abroad

Except... He's gone into work today because he's “short staffed” so I'm here with a 16mo who just wants to run around and my 8 week old. I know parents have this age gap but this isn't what I agreed to

Aibu to be pissed off?

Tell him if he ever pulls that stunt again, you will bring DSC to his work and leave them at reception.

Obviously the main link between them all is that this woman is the mother of OP's DP's older son?? That is the reason why they support her in the manner they do, not because they are all friends.

Getting along with your DP's ex, being friendly and helping out here and there is not the same as the ex being on of OP's actual friends. It is disingenuous to pretend to not see the difference.

Honestly, I would be happy to do this and I wouldn’t be pissed off of it were me, everybody is different so you’re going to get replies in both directions here!

You're doing such a kind thing for this woman and I hope the surgery is a success for her child. It is so good for your stepson that you are all behaving as a family, kudos to you for making this work - truly.

I suspect if he had asked you, you would have said it wasn't ideal, but handled it for the day. That it was assumed you were default daycare is frustrating, and I'm sure you're exhausted.

No, you wouldn’t be happy, or you’ve forgotten what it is to have a tiny baby.

I’d be happy to do it but simultaneously pissed off if my husband was supposed to be there too but went to work instead, without even discussing it with me.

Why do you assume OP would have said yes? It’s a shitty thing to expect a new mum to do.

Agree with this.

The 15 year old is the half-brother of this toddler and is the next closest relative if their mother is unavailable.

You and your partner are both unrelated to the toddler and have no responsibility.

I think the tricky thing is that your partner is not responsible for this toddler either.

In this situation I would contact the toddler’s mother to let her know the situation. She can absolutely look after her own toddler while waiting in hospital. Or she needs to sort out alternative childcare.

He’s being unreasonable but just to point out he is your partner’s child, not only his ex’s child.

The toddler is not the husband’s child. It is his ex partners child as is the 4 year old in surgery.

Basically strangers to op and the half siblings of ops dh’s oldest child.

The father of the two children is doing bugger all, while op picks up the slack for a toddler.

Theres no way I'd be going into work during annual leave while supporting my own baby and someone elses small child while their sibling is having heart surgery. People are always the priority! I'd be giving the other child so much attention and distraction, not leaving them with someone who will be understandably distrated by their 8 week old baby!

This.

They all have a good relationship. Yes it's not ideal but it takes a village. This is one of those times.

I'd willingly bend over backwards to help out any parent whose other child is having open heart surgery even without the fact my family has links with their because of a shared older sibling.

I can't believe some of these replies. One day where the kids watch TV and you battle on through is ok.

I would reframe this in your mind.

you sound like a good friend to your partners ex & so see it as you caring for your friends child whilst she is probably going through the worst day imaginable.

hubby is being a bit shit but maybe the short staffing is giving him no choice (depends on level of his job here)

your rough day is nothing in comparison to your friends & you are really doing a wonderful thing & giving her one less thing to worry about.

tell hubby he needs to pull his weight for rest of the week though!

sounds like you are both caring people & I would rather be like you than someone who would be posting I was asked to do this but no way cos its not my problem.

Well then if it’s so lovely the mum can return the favour and provide lots of free childcare and look after her ex’s child with OP.

End of the day a 4yr old going through major surgery. That’s overriding. You were great to even offer to have the other two but deal was with support by sounds of it.

This is on your DH. Tell him you are still a new Mum and recovering too so no more slopping off to work. He agreed so is needed on home front - end of. Good on you doing the best you can today but he has let everyone down.

If orders don’t go out then maybe Mgt will do something about the slackers. He maybe was glad to get the work call thinking 💭 easier than home.

Why are people suggesting the OP gets her teenage SS to help? None of the children are his, none are his responsibility. Was he involved in the decision for his parents to have other children? No he wasn't so why should he be used for childcare because his dad can't keep a simple promise?
The only person that needs to come home is her partner. He needs to grow a pair and tell work he's on AL so he can't help. Why is he being so wet when it comes to work?
I wouldn't put any of this on the 4 year olds mum but I would tell your partner he needs to be home for the rest of the week or find alternative childcare for the 16: month old. Looking after children of those ages is really hard, especially when they aren't your children.

In this case, yes I’d be raging at him. It feels as though he agreed you would both look after ex’s toddler but actually made sure he was out. Maybe even planned it.

I’d not be yelling at or issuing ultimatums to ex’s ex partner (the one in hospital with her child) as others suggest, though. This is about your DH/DP. It’s him you need to rip a strip out of.

The 16mo isn't DP’s, his 15 year old is but he was supposed to be here this week anyway as per the arrangement and he's at school so not really any bother

I think you need to separate two things out here - you said in the OP that you were good friends with DPs ex as well and there was lots of 'we look after her youngest' and 'we agreed to have the toddler while the 4 year old was in surgery'.

Lots of people saying that you should not have the toddler again or if DP won't take his leave send the toddler back to mom which is patently ridiculous,

I know you said that you wouldn't have agreed if your DH hadn't taken leave, but that is not her problem, so just fix that in your mind that you are doing what I am sure is a very very appreciated favour for your friend at a very difficult time.

When the 15 year old is back from school get him to help out playing with his siblings to give you a bit of break.

When DH is back, and the little ones are in bed, you need to have a proper grown up conversation with him about how you feel about this. Tell him he needs to be off the rest of the week as promised.

Depending on what he says and what he agrees to do will tell you exactly where you stand moving forwards and you can make decisions based off that information.

Having read a couple of OPs updates, I think this reply is really thought out.

we didn’t have enough info on your DPs job and the way you phrased it possible gave the view it was his business of sorts and wasn’t 100% clear that he just up and left to go to work without discussion.

i think I agree with this poster, get on with today as you are doing a wonderful thing and don’t lose sight of that. Your partners ex must be going through hell and you are being the most fantastic friend by helping her out.

the issue here is that your partner did not discuss with you his plans for the day so you could both mutually come up with a plan, he just had an expectation of you and that’s not on. That is what you need to discuss with him tonight and talk through the plan for the rest of the week. You are clearly someone who cares and had compassion, this is not a weakness to be exploited by your DP tomorrow or in the future.

have a clear discussion when he gets home and reset your expectations.

i hope you manage through the day ok.

Exactly. This, people, is what they mean when they talk about support networks! This is the village. This is what you will miss out on because you “go ballistic” or refuse to look after children because they have “no blood ties” to your child. When you look back over your life and wonder where everyone went.

OP, I can see you are cross with your DP, but it’s just one day. I love the sound of your two families and the way you support your partner’s ex. I think you are brilliant. Poor woman. I can only imagine her anxiety.

A village shouldn’t be women screwed over by men.

If that’s your idea of a village, you keep it for yourself.

The bras don’t need to be burned every day

Just to point out that you should read the post properly.