To be pissed off DP has left me with his ex’s child and gone to work?

[NebulaNomad]

My DP has a 15 year old DS with his ex, he was a teenager when he was born as was his ex. They broke up when he was young but they still are good friends and as a result as am I. Some people find that weird but it works and it's better to be civil even though his son is older now.

We have an 8 week old together and his ex has a 4yo and a 16 month old with her ex. She split with their dad when the youngest was a few months old and he has no contact with her or the children. Her 4yo has a heart condition so we help if we can with her youngest when he has appointments so she can focus properly on the 4yo and also due to the hospital being abour an hour and half away by train so it’d be a nightmare with the buggy and it not really being fair on her being cooped up in her buggy

Her 4yo is having his open heart surgery today he's already had a lot of surgeries etc in his short life bless him but his mum is still understandably worried. They have access to the Ronald McDonald (I think it's called?) house but he will be on the HDU/Icu and babies aren't allowed and she doesn't want to leave her 4yo alone who has had major surgery.

We agreed to have her, my stepson is also here obviously. DP has paternity leave of up to 6 months but he has only taken a month so far and is looking for more during the summer so we can go on holiday with our baby and his son.

Anyway, he booked this week as AL as we are having little one for a minimum of a week as the 4yo is likely to be in hospital for at least a week. DP has said he will take things whatever she needs and will be with the 4yo for a few hours so she can have a break but mostly it'll be just his ex as her family are abroad

Except... He's gone into work today because he's “short staffed” so I'm here with a 16mo who just wants to run around and my 8 week old. I know parents have this age gap but this isn't what I agreed to

Aibu to be pissed off?

OP I presume he offered to have his Ex’s 16 month old because deep down, he expected the responsibility would be yours not his.

Strong conversation this evening that if he makes a commitment in the future, he realises it’s him making that commitment not you.

But OP is not complaining about the mum, she is complaining about her DH who has left her in the lurch for no good reason when she should be at home helping out, given she has an 8-week-old to look after as well and is likely knackered.

It sounds like OP was happy to help when it was a mutual agreement with her husband.

Also, 16-month-olds are pretty much still babies and are not always easily absorbed by the TV, certainly not for long periods. Looking after a child that age is full-on, without a tiny baby too.

He took annual leave to look after his ex’s baby????? Yeah there’s more to this than you know. She needs to come get her baby!

True, but it seems all the more strange the OP DH would go to work during this worrying time for his DS and when he had agreed to care for EX partners child (his DS half sibling ).

I can see why you are feeling put upon @NebulaNomad . Could he have said no to work?

As for the rest of it, I think you are both being very kind and would like to think Id do likewise.

I agree with this. While I fee for his ex, I think this type of arrangement is storing up a whole heap of problems and resentment for the future. She has had three kids with two men, neither relationship worked out and she doesn’t have a single actual family member she can lean on?

I think it depends on his work. If it’s a small business and there’s not much slack I think I’d be a bit understanding but it’s not ideal. Is this just for the day or is he planning on doing this all week.
i just want to say I think you and your DP are doing a lovely thing looking after the exes child 😊

YANBU! How did he even know work was short staffed anyway if he's on AL?

I think you need to be the bigger source of pain to him over this, or it'll happen over and over again. It's clear that he is a man who can't say no in any aspect of his life, so you need to make it more "painful" to him to dump you in the shit than to say no to work. It shoudn't be too difficult for you to manage; you should be livid at him over this!

I would be livid But I'd be livid because he didn't have the courtesy to tell me and just got dressed and was planning on going into work. The fact that they are short staffed is neither here nor there , Tough shit on them It's not up to him to rescue the business, It's up to him to support his wife.
When he comes home, I would state in no uncertain terms that when he's booked annual leave, he takes that annual leave and he does not go into work without having the courtesy to discuss if this is OK with you even if you're not looking after his ex's children. He need to work out what's more important to him making sure his wife is happy or his employer.

I would let it slide. He sounds like an all round decent bloke trying to spin a few plates at once. If he’s got form for clearing off fair enough but he’s hardly out living it up if he’s been called into work.
People look after three and four kids and manage ok, surely the 4 week old isn’t hard work and how many people are needed to look after an 18 month old?

You'd seriously call/turn up at social service's door and say

'This child's sibling is currently in theatre whilst the surgeon cuts through their skin, splits the breastbone, disconnects their heart and attaches them to a heart-lung bypass and then continues cutting into a tiny heart to save their life. I don't want it, it's not my problem, so take it into care'

I think I'd suck it up @NebulaNomad

You're doing a lovely kind thing. Yes it's irritating he's gone in to work - but without knowing type of business and size of company presumably it's important to him to do this. He sounds decent so I would trust his judgement on why he's made this call and just get on with it with the kids xx

But the mother is in hospital as her 4 yo is having open heart surgery!!!

Exactly.

Let's hope it is only one day and he can be at home tomorrow.

The point is getting out will help an tire toddler

op said she couldn’t go out as can’t push 2 buggy’s

Id be furious too.

OP make it clear to him that the rest of the week you expect him at home as agreed.

Is the 4 year old and 16 month olds father not around? I'm guessing not. It's really kind of you both to help and it's great you all get along. 🙂 But don't be a doormat op. You are a new mum and need to focus on what's best for you and your baby too.

That’s the point so the dh should be sticking to the arrangements he made.

The type of man who would try to sneak into work on annual leave without a word to his wife doing this favour only understands when you lose your shit otherwise they don’t care as his shown so far today.

Everyone wondering what the big deal is...take the kids out of the scenario.

You and your DH have discussed what to do this week and agreed he will be off on leave.
Then Monday morning, when you think you have a week of leave together, you see him sneaking out the door - pretending to run an errand but actually off to work. Hasn't told you the plans have changed. You'd have been sat at home wondering why he wasn't back yet. Would you honestly be fine that?

Then add in he's gone off and basically left you with a chore he took on and you said you'd help with, on top of being on mat leave with a 2 month old.

I'm actually open-mouthed reading this. Doesn't happen often! An 8 week old and his ex's toddler by another man...all dumped on you.

I wouldn't be doing anything for him or the toddler for the rest of the week, and I would also be telling him to pull his weight with the newborn. The first hint of "I can't do it all!" I'd be cutting him off with a "be grateful I didn't walk off out of the house this morning leaving them both with you, with no prior warning".

Nip this in the bud, OP. He's playing the good guy to absolutely everyone (ex, colleagues, boss etc) except you. Not ok.

It's lovely that you all get on & help her out.

He really must be there for the rest of the week though.

Even if you were finding it easy the arrangement wasn't that you would do it alone.

It's a shame she has no one else to ask.

No, he took annual leave to help look after his 8week old baby, and help look after his Sons half-sibling.

She can't come get her baby, she's sitting in hospital looking after her 4yo who's had open heart surgery.

You trying to insinuate to the OP that the 16mo is also her Husbands child?

@NebulaNomad , you're in the middle of the 4th trimester, when you're recovering from birth and you and baby are establishing feeding and getting into a routine.

Your husband is on annual leave, his son's sibling is having surgery, and his priority should be his family right now. His son is probably really worried about his brother, there's a toddler in an unfamiliar place, and you have an 8 week old to take care of. Work really should not be the priority with this much going on especially when he's on leave. Tell him this was it. He's got to step up for his family at this time. He agreed to be there for his son and the toddler, but he's not and left it to his partner who is still recovering to pick up the huge responsibilities he put down here.

I think you sound like a lovely family.

I get that you are pissed off about today- I think that's a normal reaction- and you need to talk to your partner about it.

You do sound absolutely capable and I think it's a really nice thing that you have done. I'd hope that I could have someone as generous and kind hearted to take care of my child if my other child was in hospital.