To be pissed off DP has left me with his ex’s child and gone to work?

[NebulaNomad]

My DP has a 15 year old DS with his ex, he was a teenager when he was born as was his ex. They broke up when he was young but they still are good friends and as a result as am I. Some people find that weird but it works and it's better to be civil even though his son is older now.

We have an 8 week old together and his ex has a 4yo and a 16 month old with her ex. She split with their dad when the youngest was a few months old and he has no contact with her or the children. Her 4yo has a heart condition so we help if we can with her youngest when he has appointments so she can focus properly on the 4yo and also due to the hospital being abour an hour and half away by train so it’d be a nightmare with the buggy and it not really being fair on her being cooped up in her buggy

Her 4yo is having his open heart surgery today he's already had a lot of surgeries etc in his short life bless him but his mum is still understandably worried. They have access to the Ronald McDonald (I think it's called?) house but he will be on the HDU/Icu and babies aren't allowed and she doesn't want to leave her 4yo alone who has had major surgery.

We agreed to have her, my stepson is also here obviously. DP has paternity leave of up to 6 months but he has only taken a month so far and is looking for more during the summer so we can go on holiday with our baby and his son.

Anyway, he booked this week as AL as we are having little one for a minimum of a week as the 4yo is likely to be in hospital for at least a week. DP has said he will take things whatever she needs and will be with the 4yo for a few hours so she can have a break but mostly it'll be just his ex as her family are abroad

Except... He's gone into work today because he's “short staffed” so I'm here with a 16mo who just wants to run around and my 8 week old. I know parents have this age gap but this isn't what I agreed to

Aibu to be pissed off?

I'm sorry you have a shit partner OP. Is this making you re-evaluate your relationship or is this going to be it for you now?

It’s one day? Am I right?

i would just make it work

Running out the door in his work clothes and only telling you because you challenged him is really naughty. He knew exactly what he was doing.

A shit partner?!

Who has gone into work because they need his help and obviously values his job / security for his family?!

Or who has taken on the responsibility of another child temporarily for an ex partner who has nobody else?!

Wow. Men really cannot do anything right on this site.

Depends what his job is?

I’d be so interested to know what line of work this is and persuade him to get a wiggle on with a proper job.

You don’t even know what his job is so how can you imply he hasn’t got a ‘proper’ job?

With all the details you've included here this is really identifying Op.
Yes, YANBU.

You’re not unreasonable to be pissed off with your partner, who it seems has dumped his responsibilities on you.

You would be unreasonable to contact the ex.

Can the SS take the toddler to the park for an hour after school?

There’s nothing to suggest he’d risk job security by not cancelling his planned leave.

It’s not idea but it’s not the end of the world. It’s only a few hours. I imagine with a new baby and you on maternity leave, your partner thought the extra money would be useful. He should have checked with you first, but I think in the grand scheme of things, with a 4 year old having heart surgery, it’s not worth making a big fuss over.

sad

Well no, but to call him a "shit partner" when all he's done is go into work because they're short staffed is just bloody rude tbh.

These replies are so shocking to me. This seems like a one off situation that is going to be a bit chaotic.

funnily enough I had something similar happen once; I offered to look after my friends two children (2 and 5) when she went to look after her mother that had had a stroke (similar situation with feckless father). They were to stay with us for a couple of days to a week. I was on mat leave with 6 month old (I know it’s not the exact same as a 8 week old) but I offered to help.

at this point I had a 5 year old and 6 month old (for context).

I fell poorly on the second or third day of having my friends kids so my husband took a few days off work to look after all the kids. He didn’t hesitate or moan and was basically looking after 4 kids, 2 at school and 2 at home and me.

he did this because he wanted to help and our friend who was struggling with her mother (who died shortly after).

it was exceptional circumstances, but imo it takes a village.

That is what having a village is. They are his child siblings and one is having open heart surgery.

I’d be peed off if he didn’t come to me and discuss the fact that work had called him in before agreeing to go in. I’d want to have been part of the discussion as to whether you could manage without him for all or part of the day.

But otherwise, and especially if DH really had no choice, I’d suck it up. The bigger picture is a 4yo boy having open heart surgery and another mother, a friend, fearing her child may not survive it.

why, have you worked out who the OP is?

Why should she need to "explain"?

Now you know your place and his priorities.
You are back up care for him and his ex, particularly him.
Now that he thinks you are stuck with his child I suspect you will find a lot more of this going on.

I hope you are returning to work and keep your finances separate.

Unbelievable that you are minding a child that is not evdn his.
But he clearly sees you as skivvy aupair to be used as it suits him.

Unbelievable that you would tolerate being used likd this.

He wouldn't lose his job by bot going in when he had booked AL as the people who are constantly off “ill” (but aren't actually) have nothing done and one of them is also in a relationship with one of the managers out the office so of course he doesn't lose his job. DP however barely has days off sick, I think the only days off in the 6/7 years he's been there were due to him testing positive for covid (at work) and then having to self isolate. He rarely gets ill but he goes in with colds etc instead of just taking days off

I can't take them to the park, baby hates the pram as it is and I wouldn't be able to push 2 prams, stepson is at an after school club today and DP doesn't finish work until 5 and won't be back til half past or later if he hasn't finished something off

When was he planning on telling you he was going to work instead of being at home as agreed? Given that he was off out the door before you found out and then only because you asked.

It's all very well his offering to help his ex out, but it's unfair to then leave the actual task to OP without her agreement ir even knowledge.

It's very decent of you to help out OP and I can see why you are pissed off.

He's a shit partner because he treated OP like shit.

He didn't ask her to take over his responsibilities, he just left her to do it. That's not a partnership, therefore he is a shit partner.

He should have asked her and if OP had said she couldn't manage both children on her own, then he should have stuck to the offer of childcare which he made, not pissed off to be the hero at work.

I think this is a really complex one to be honest. These are exceptional circumstances - a very young child is having open-heart surgery. It is really good of you and your partner to help. He does sound like a good dad and partner overall.

However, suddenly exiting the house when you (not unreasonably) assumed the two of you would be doing this favour TOGETHER is a bit if a shock, especially when you are a brand-new mother yourself. There isn't much you can do in the present moment (other than use the tv/iPad and have as easy a day as you can!) but you should definitely talk about this with your partner later.

My concern would be how easily he is dumping the work of parenting onto the nearest available woman when it was something HE agreed to! I also agree that the work context matters here - if he's a bed manager in a hospital or a heart surgeon it's slightly different to if he has a standard management job and just doesn't want to upset his boss. If he's self-employed and running a business, I get it more as there's no backup and unhappy clients can have a serious effect down the line.

In short, even though some posters are trying to make out this is cut-and-dried, I don't think it is. Talk to him, be honest about your feelings, make it clear you expect HIS hands-on help if the two of you are babysitting the ex's kids. No matter what his job is, he can't reasonably volunteer 'us' and then make it 'you'.

I think this is what's posting me off the most because he didn't even discuss it with me, he just got ready for work like a normal day

That’s where he showed who he was.

He was just going to sneak out the door in his uniform and leave op none the wiser till he just didn’t come back.

He chooses if he answers work calls out of hours. So he made the choice to take the call, he then chose to accept work, then he was going to just do the school run and go to work without a word.

and his not a brain surgeon or such shockingly where it’s life or death. He works in warehousing which is well known for taking the piss out of employees. They could have called in temps. He won’t get some bumper pay rise or perks for his above and beyond commitment. Just taken advantage of because they know he will say yes and jump.

So yeah her partners a shit and I wouldn’t be trusting him not to pull this stunt more this week and in general in the future.

Yes, I agree this is the most annoying bit and would have me incandescent with rage.

It's the default assumption that you are the person in charge of all child and house related activities and he just swans in whenever he likes.

And in my experience, men like this behave this way no matter what - they can hvae the highest powered job in the world or the most menial. But their work is ALWAYS so important, and SO at risk etc etc etc. It's infuriating.