Got partner's ex a mother's day gift - now being made to feel bad?

[Pimmzy]

Partner has two children (6 and 8) from previous relationship. We moved in together around 6 months ago. Children stay with us Wednesday and Saturday.

On Saturday afternoon, we all go to the same leisure center. I go to the gym while partner and children attend sports clubs. Partner finishes half an hour later than the kid's session, so I collect them and we do a Saturday night "treat" shop while we wait for their dad to finish (go to pizza counter and let them choose toppings, pick some snacks for watching a film later).

This week, while we were in the supermarket I asked if they'd got anything for their mum for mother's day and they said no and seemed a bit down about it. I asked them if they wanted to choose something for her while we were in the supermarket and they seemed really excited about this. I ended up maybe going a bit overboard: got one of the hamper baskets and then got chocolate, face masks, baths salts, bubble baths, slippers socks, chocolates and a little potted plant to fill it and a big card.

We sat down and put it together when we got home and they wrote the card and were very excited. When partner saw, he raised his eyebrows a bit but didn't say much.

Children were very excited on Sunday morning to go back to their mum's and give her their hamper.

Found out today that she's made a comment to partner about not knowing why I'd have done that and seemed to imply it's not my place. My mum thinks I overstepped too.

I honestly just wanted to help the children do a nice thing when they're obviously too young to do it themselves.

Was I being unreasonable to get involved with mother's day? Should I apologise to her or just forget it and move on?

I'm would chat to your partner about why he thinks it's ok to make minimal effort for his children's mum on mother's day. Why was he raising his eyebrows at you buying her things that the kids chose. I wonder if he is reporting back in a skewed way because of his attitude. In many ways it's his lane but he seems to have the attitude that it isn't and that leaves you as a women thinking about things from other people's point of view in a way that men often don't. She may feel funny about you buying her gifts but I would hope she can appreciate that the kids were the one who chose them. Maybe see if she's off with you when you next see her to guage if you need to address it.

I think you overstepped massively too. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t even ask your dp if this was ok before involving the kids. You’ve just moved in and seemed to kind of take over in a big way. the mother feels you overstepped so that’s all you need to know about doing things going forward. Let your dp handle anything personal with his kids and her.

You sound lovely. Ex sounds horrible. Your partner maybe should have organised it, as dads normally do help with mum's celebrations until the kids are in high school, but obviously if he split up with her, then that's different, if she treated him/the kids badly. His mum's entitled to her opinion, if you asked, if not, then don't worry about what she said.

I think you were incredibly kind

You did a kind thing - it’s really sad their dad didn’t help the get a Mother’s Day gift - they are too young to organize it themselves.

Is this the man you want in your life? He doesn’t sound very thoughtful - indeed I would go as far to say he isn’t being a good parent. He was okay leaving his children with no gift to give their mum.

It’s not as clear as day. No need to be so nasty though…

he wouldn’t be doing it for his ex - but for his children. He maybe should have organised ???? he absolutely should have organised it. He is the parent - it’s about the children not the adults

But the DP and ex have been separated for years (I’m not clear how many). A pattern of giving will have been established between them for Mothers and Fathers Day which goes back eight years.

OP rocking up and buying 11+ gifts and a giant card has inadvertently put pressure on her partner and his ex to maintain a level of gift giving that neither of them want.

I think you were trying to be nice OP, by helping children who don’t have access to money/shopping to choose something nice for their mum. But the message has been received loud and clear that your efforts aren’t appreciated, which means giving this topic a swerve in the future. Becoming involved with a man who already has children is a minefield, and will be forever; holidays, driving lessons/cars, uni costs, house deposits, wedding costs, grandchildren, etc. This is why I gave any men who already had children an extra-wide berth. Are you certain you want this aggravation for the next 30+ years? You will always be “wrong”, no matter what you do.

No one said it was but again your own experience seems to be clouding your judgement about the OP.

If you think she made a mistake, that’s fine but you’ve been on here all day making stuff up about what happened.

It’s a lovely gesture just a bit much, modest (£5-10) bunch of flowers, similar priced chocolates or perhaps a mug or similar was more appropriate, she may feel awkward

Nice idea I think, but you unfortunately fudged it by going way over the top and making it very obvious you were involved. By doing so, you made it about you.

You could have let the DC choose - if you work with children I'm very surprised this didn't occur to you tbh. And I would have said to them choose one thing you think she'd like.

What did I make up? OP’s partner, ex and her mum think she overstepped. That’s in the OP.

Yes and you’re not one of them.

She’s having a dig at your partner
she’s assumed (wrongly)as did many others he wouldn’t of bothered if it wasn’t for you

Why are you white knighting for a stranger who’s perfectly capable of writing her own posts?

Two things can be true at the same time - you were trying to help the children do something nice for their mum but you went a bit overboard. I think apologising will just make everyone feel awkward so take a step back next year/her birthday/Christmas. Perhaps remind your partner that he should take his children to buy a small gift for their mum, help them make a card etc. He might say "Can you pick up some chocolates while you're getting the pizzas?" but don't take the lead yourself.

I think it sounds like a wonderful gift and lovely that you thought to help the kids get this ready for their mother for Mother’s Day. If it has been me to receive it, I would have been really touched.

Ignore some of the wild accusations and negativity on this thread. I swear some people don’t even read the OP post and just go off on one making their own assumptions. You sound like a wonderful stepmother and a kind person.

Your mum?

Read your own posts! You’ve wasted a whole day on this.

Because I can’t believe the level of nastiness towards her from a couple of posters. Says more about them though…

I might have known you’re over invested in a forum and it’s members. Boredom is a curse.

I think helping the kids buy a little gift was fine but it sounds a little OTT and the ex would know you bought it . Maybe she felt a bit patronised or maybe she said “You shouldn’t have …” but was pleased. I wouldn’t worry. Unless you’re a younger woman who nicked her husband and she thought the face mask was a slur🙄