Got partner's ex a mother's day gift - now being made to feel bad?

[Pimmzy]

Partner has two children (6 and 8) from previous relationship. We moved in together around 6 months ago. Children stay with us Wednesday and Saturday.

On Saturday afternoon, we all go to the same leisure center. I go to the gym while partner and children attend sports clubs. Partner finishes half an hour later than the kid's session, so I collect them and we do a Saturday night "treat" shop while we wait for their dad to finish (go to pizza counter and let them choose toppings, pick some snacks for watching a film later).

This week, while we were in the supermarket I asked if they'd got anything for their mum for mother's day and they said no and seemed a bit down about it. I asked them if they wanted to choose something for her while we were in the supermarket and they seemed really excited about this. I ended up maybe going a bit overboard: got one of the hamper baskets and then got chocolate, face masks, baths salts, bubble baths, slippers socks, chocolates and a little potted plant to fill it and a big card.

We sat down and put it together when we got home and they wrote the card and were very excited. When partner saw, he raised his eyebrows a bit but didn't say much.

Children were very excited on Sunday morning to go back to their mum's and give her their hamper.

Found out today that she's made a comment to partner about not knowing why I'd have done that and seemed to imply it's not my place. My mum thinks I overstepped too.

I honestly just wanted to help the children do a nice thing when they're obviously too young to do it themselves.

Was I being unreasonable to get involved with mother's day? Should I apologise to her or just forget it and move on?

You are probably right.

I think it was too much, if you'd just picked up a card / flowers/ box of chocs to save your partner from having to pick them up it would have been fine.

I wouldn't say anything to her, that's likely just to make things worse. Just step back a bit next time.

Bloody hell, you can’t please some people. I’m a step mum, have been for decades. When the DC were small I sometimes did this with them for special occasions and no, I don’t look back on it and “cringe” and the children’s mother always appreciated it.
For whatever reason it seems the mother didn’t appreciate you doing this, so don’t do it again, but no, don’t apologise, you’ve done nothing wrong.

OP you are missing the point. She is not upset with you for doing a nice thing. She is upset with him, not you. He only has children two days a week so already does way less childcare then his ex. He already moved on and found a new partner. You've only moved in recently and straight away you enable him to not do important things with his children that HE not you should be doing.

I can bet that one of the reasons they fell apart was his lack of equal involvement and leaving her with all the mental load of caring for 2 toddlers. Now she can see he continues to have an easy life and also it must be embarrassing for her to know that his new partner had to step in because the father of her children couldn't be bothered. Stop enabling him to be a shit father. The least he could do is get the present for mother's day with them, there is no excuse for leaving it for you to sort out. Nobody is that busy, especially when they only have kids part time !

Just polite small talk while the children are getting their things out of the car? E.g. Oh the flowers in your window box are looking lovely! That's a lovely jacket - I've been struggling to find a good one this year. They were telling me what a lovely time you all had at the beach in half term... Surely that's better than awkward silence?

Perhaps he thought it was a bit awkward that we'd done more than he normally would have - but could easily put that down to the children being old enough to have their say? He's generally one to avoid drama so don't think he'd deliberately twist things.

Look you helped the children. Him”popping in to buy last minute flowers” would not have helped the children lovingly celebrate their mother. : you helped them choose what they wanted and helped them do the cards and engaged fully in the process of respectfully celebrating their mother. “Here’s some gas station flowers you demanding hag” isn’t a gift from the children. And has nothing to do with the children. It subs money for time and effort.

If I were you I would say “is that how you would treat me and my children if we had them? No thought no kindness?”

Missed that part! I take back what I said.

Of course you overstepped the mark here. Sounds like you got with him befor he had even left the marriage. All this separate rooms nonsense is no excuse for dating a married man.

You meant well but it wasn't your place to buy her mother's day things. Next time let your partner sort it.

You missed it because I never said it as it's not true. She's jumping to wild, inaccurate conclusions.

It really wasn't your place to do this and if the mum thinks you had anything to do with their break up, I can see why she felt weird about it. It was OTT and absolutely not your business.

In life most people do the bare minimum, and rarely if ever make nice and thoughtful gestures. Some rare people do - please don't stop being one of those people. And ignore the people who try to suggest it shows fault in YOU. It really doesn't. You did a nice thing, that was about the kids. Also she might just be taken aback - but if you continue to be thoughtful, involved in the kids and a genuine person, one day she will look back (once she fully understands you and what you are about) and think, you know what? That was actually a nice gesture. People are reading into it that she hates you, but you have given no evidence of that!

how soon were you together after he left ? he said they were in separate beds etc but people
say what they want others to hear ? if she thinks you contributed to the relationship break ( even if incorrect) then that would mean it would be hard accepting anything in my opinion.

How kind and thoughtful of you, to me this is about making the children happy and this is what you did. You sound lovely xx

He seems a useless dad. Don’t have kids with him

Two years. It was actually his sister that told me about the separate beds etc (after we were together not at the time.)

Though she wasn’t the other woman..

IME there’s a weird dynamic between step parents and ex wives where someone always has to be the villain. And usually it’s entirely unfounded.

As a step parent you will never win on MN.

If you pay no attention to the children you’re a bitch who shouldn’t be married to their father.

If you do engage with them you’re overstepping and treading on their mother’s toes. The mother who has usually chosen to leave the relationship for whatever reason.

And by the same token there are those step parents who seem to take issue with the ex.

I had this. I’m the ex wife. When me and H split I took my then ten YO out to buy Christmas presents, which included presents for his new partner and her child. H then had a go at him saying the new partner was upset that I had bought the presents and it was inappropriate. The presents came from him, I just paid for them, how the fuck did she think they would be paid for?

So I didn’t bother again.

The next year H had a go at him because no presents had been bought for his partner and her child.

You just can’t win.

And this was a woman who begrudged every penny he gave to me as CM.

There are sometimes these dynamics where ex wives and step parents do get on. Ironically when I first met ex’s new partner I didn’t dislike her. But the instant she moved in she changed. To the extent the DC stopped going there.

I think what you did was lovely. It was to help the children after all, and they were excited about it.

Maybe you did go a bit over board but I don’t think you can be criticised for that!

You haven't done anything wrong and I'm sorry it backfired. Now you know she views it as overstepping, you won't do it again so I would just leave it at that. You've got nothing to apologise for, you tried to do a nice thing and the kids were excited. It's not a big deal. Everything is always piss easy in hindsight and that's what every comment here is based on.

For future holidays maybe dial it back but don’t stop. Don’t stop being kind. Be lovely and generous. It sounds like she’s also kind or civil so maybe she was a bit bowled over.

What I’d change - lower spend unless they have a very specific gift in mind. Less helping - it’s cute and authentic when kids choose gifts that are a bit quirky. Less help wrapping. Not no help, but just a little less.

But even if you want to keep going big, I still think you’re okay to go ahead unless she’s clear she doesn’t want it.

I do get on with my children’s step mum. I hope neither of us would be seen as a villain in anyone’s eyes. We’re not close but we get on fine - we’re quite different people and I find her a bit of a closed book but not in a horrible way, just more self contained than some others are.

I wouldn’t get her a present for Mother’s Day or vice versa because a. It would be for my ex/ her partner to buy for her from their young kids and b. She wouldn’t buy for me as my eldest is 17 and quite capable of going to the shops - to be fair my youngest is capable of going to the shops and getting me something, although more likely to do it at a random time than a set day (as in, I once told him I like daim bars, and now get them whenever he sees one!)

So I don’t think anyone has to be a villain, and I don’t think you have to be close to avoid being one.

No good deed goes unpunished, as the old chestnut goes.

However, I think this situation is a clear case of least said, soonest mended. An apology is only likely to fan the flames and make her despise you more.

I'd keep my counsel, do absolutely nothing, and save my future efforts for those who appreciate them.

You said the ex thinks you were a factor in their break up. You said they nearly separated many times before you came on the scene, that they only had children to try to fix the relationship, and that they slept in separate beds for years.

Now, I don’t think you were the other woman (at least not knowingly). I do think you’re incredibly naïve.

You won’t listen now. But in five years time, if you get a bunch of supermarket daffodils for Mother’s Day or your partner’s talking about the new girl at work whilst you’re sleep deprived and sleeping separately, you will probably realise you have more in common with his ex than you think.

Best of luck and let’s hope he’s learnt from his mistakes the first time round.

Hope he got you a token of thanks for being a loving stepmum on Mother’s Day too.

@Ethil not the point but I really love supermarket daffodils!