Got partner's ex a mother's day gift - now being made to feel bad?

[Pimmzy]

Partner has two children (6 and 8) from previous relationship. We moved in together around 6 months ago. Children stay with us Wednesday and Saturday.

On Saturday afternoon, we all go to the same leisure center. I go to the gym while partner and children attend sports clubs. Partner finishes half an hour later than the kid's session, so I collect them and we do a Saturday night "treat" shop while we wait for their dad to finish (go to pizza counter and let them choose toppings, pick some snacks for watching a film later).

This week, while we were in the supermarket I asked if they'd got anything for their mum for mother's day and they said no and seemed a bit down about it. I asked them if they wanted to choose something for her while we were in the supermarket and they seemed really excited about this. I ended up maybe going a bit overboard: got one of the hamper baskets and then got chocolate, face masks, baths salts, bubble baths, slippers socks, chocolates and a little potted plant to fill it and a big card.

We sat down and put it together when we got home and they wrote the card and were very excited. When partner saw, he raised his eyebrows a bit but didn't say much.

Children were very excited on Sunday morning to go back to their mum's and give her their hamper.

Found out today that she's made a comment to partner about not knowing why I'd have done that and seemed to imply it's not my place. My mum thinks I overstepped too.

I honestly just wanted to help the children do a nice thing when they're obviously too young to do it themselves.

Was I being unreasonable to get involved with mother's day? Should I apologise to her or just forget it and move on?

I didn’t think of that!

OP, if that’s true, you’ve accidentally made yourself an enemy!

Like you I am sick of the bitchy women on these forums. You could write you'd spent your last tenner feeding the homeless and they would tell you that you're an idiot. Can't stand some people

Same!

I see some of threes responses and I’m honestly horrified.

I just can’t believe the level of it sometimes. Then, like a post above, “You always do this DFG”. I don’t have a clue who these people are but they seem to know me!

Ditto x

I wouldn't believe your partner for one second, he told you they were in separate beds a whole year before he left lol and he told you ex didn't like gift lol and there's actually a lot of red flags...nice gesture however you know next time not to bother

Both things can be true - my mum does think the ex was miserable but also doesn't think I should have bothered in the first place. Her words were along the lines of, "Bit miserable of her - could have been more gracious and said thank you. Then again she's not anything to do with you so not sure why you bothered making an effort for her when she's not grateful."

If I were you I would get out of this thread- too many posters are projecting their own experiences of having been betrayed and hate of the ow on you- to the point that they don't even realise you're not "the other woman" who broke the family apart.

What you did was absolutely lovely for these children and their mum. Not many new stepmums would be so generous and kind with their dps ex. It's all in your honour. I'm sorry it wasn't received as the lovely gesture it was intended.

I wouldn’t overthink it OP, it was a nice gesture but just understand that it overstepped a boundary for the mum by the sounds of it, and try not to over insert yourself in the future. I know it’s hard to not want to be super involved in a positive way, but regardless of your relationship with your partner and his children, the dynamic between the children and their parents is a stand alone relationship that doesn’t really need extra involvement from you in this way (because the mother has made clear that it’s not wanted/needed)

Some harsh comments on here, & assumptions you spent mega bucks on the hamper, when you’ve said it was £40 max.

I think you sound like a kind and considerate person.

Thank you to everyone that has been supportive and not jumped to mad conclusions and made assumptions.

I fully take on board what people have said about the gift being over the top and awkward because it wasn't what she was used to and leaving it to my partner.

I'm not going to apologise, but next time I see her I might compliment the children on how thoughtful they were with picking items and how excited they were e.g. 8 y/o remembering her mum used a sheet mask and salts in the bath, 6 y/o choosing the potted plant (in silly novelty pot which is definitely something a child would pick - not me 🤣). Then mention that maybe they'll do it again next year with their dad's help. This way she knows it was led by the children but I'll take a step back next year.

Shocking!! And the fact that they bang on and on all day so there ends up being about 30 pages of hateful comments. Get a life saddos why do they care so much. I think people are worse because everybody is anonymous and they forget they are writing to real people who might actually be upset.

As a stepmum myself, I think what you’ve done is lovely and it’s a shame you’ve been criticised for it. However, from my experience, this is only the beginning. You overstep, you don’t do enough, it’s a swinging pendulum! Just my experience but also a word of warning, in the early days I wanted to be involved as much as felt appropriate and do nice things like this. Over the years, I’ve come to see that this allowed for my DH to very much take a backseat in his parenting and it’s much harder to now pull away from things. From what I read on here all the time, many have similar experiences.

OP have you learnt nothing? 😅

Please don’t tell her you’ve been discussing her bathing habits!

You’ve been dignified OP. Unlike some others x

I totally agree. And the person who said that I support women who turn out to fake is being disingenuous. Usually the threads are being deleted because the OP has asked for them to be taken down due to the sheer awfulness of some of the replies.

You did it for the children, it was a lovely thing to do as it seems to have made them very happy

I’ve only just read the other responses
what is wrong with people, horrible, spiteful bullies
I’ve helped my stepson choose gifts for his mum when we’ve been on holiday for example, because it makes him really happy and he misses her. I don’t even know her, I do it for him

I agree with this! I don’t think you “overstepped” but probably lots of complex dynamics that you inadvertently stumbled into. Mother’s Day is a lot about the fathers showing their appreciation for the mums of their children as well, so perhaps the dynamic is more her annoyance that he hasn’t taken this one chance to do something himself, and it was all you. I think next time you see her you could just say you’re sorry for getting carried away and that you didn’t mean anything by it, just wanted her kids to feel free to celebrate her and make her something. I wouldn’t add the bit about their sad faces as that will just annoy her more (as implication is that DH hadn’t spoken to them about it or planned anything himself).

A bunch of flowers selected by the children and paid for by you - fine. Thoughtful even.

A big hamper full of pampering nonsense - weird behaviour from the woman who she clearly thinks broke up her marriage. I’m not buying your innocent act. It would probably have made me cry. It feels patronising and like a power play from you.

I’d wager she has a different version of how he ended up moving in with a woman from work.

Projection.

I wouldn’t do that, she’ll feel like you’re rubbing it in. Just leave it. I’d stop trying so hard. I believe you’re genuinely nice but to her you probably come across like you’re doing the whole Pollyanna act. Back off a bit.

I think you have upset the dynamic here. Whether parents are divorced or separated or married, where DC do not have access to money or where their school does not support making of cards or gifts, it is always up to DH to enable the DC to show appreciation. Perfect opportunity for power games. You enabled the DC to express love and appreciation for their mum not allowed previously and excluded Ex from Mother’s Day because the DCs mother is not his mother. You did nothing wrong.

This says more about you than it does me. I'm sorry that you're insecure enough that a gift from your children (who had help from their step mum) would make you cry. Again - stop with the "broke up their marriage" nonsense - it's very boring and immature.

Although it was a lovely gesture and the children were excited they probably told her on Mother's day of all days how fabulous they thought you were for letting them do this