Got partner's ex a mother's day gift - now being made to feel bad?

[Pimmzy]

Partner has two children (6 and 8) from previous relationship. We moved in together around 6 months ago. Children stay with us Wednesday and Saturday.

On Saturday afternoon, we all go to the same leisure center. I go to the gym while partner and children attend sports clubs. Partner finishes half an hour later than the kid's session, so I collect them and we do a Saturday night "treat" shop while we wait for their dad to finish (go to pizza counter and let them choose toppings, pick some snacks for watching a film later).

This week, while we were in the supermarket I asked if they'd got anything for their mum for mother's day and they said no and seemed a bit down about it. I asked them if they wanted to choose something for her while we were in the supermarket and they seemed really excited about this. I ended up maybe going a bit overboard: got one of the hamper baskets and then got chocolate, face masks, baths salts, bubble baths, slippers socks, chocolates and a little potted plant to fill it and a big card.

We sat down and put it together when we got home and they wrote the card and were very excited. When partner saw, he raised his eyebrows a bit but didn't say much.

Children were very excited on Sunday morning to go back to their mum's and give her their hamper.

Found out today that she's made a comment to partner about not knowing why I'd have done that and seemed to imply it's not my place. My mum thinks I overstepped too.

I honestly just wanted to help the children do a nice thing when they're obviously too young to do it themselves.

Was I being unreasonable to get involved with mother's day? Should I apologise to her or just forget it and move on?

Maybe that was a poor example!

Their mum sounds like a miserable old

You did a good thing by offering to buy them what they wanted. You could argue that all money is family money when in a relationship so it was your other half's money as well.

Something picked up last minute on the way spells it all out really and tells you what your partner thinks of his ex and what his kids are happy to put up with.

Well done you for making an effort. As the saying goes a little bit of effort goes a long way.

You did what the Dad should have done as their father. You sound lovely and thoughtful. Start as you mean to go on.....put a pointer his direction for thoughtful things fir his children but dont do the work ( including " dont mind doing child care") for him.

I think it was a really lovely thing to do. Even if the partner doesn't appreciate it, you made the children happy by enabling them to celebrate their mum.

Kindly, I think you over stepped with the amount of gifts. A card and box of chocolates would have been sufficient to keep the kids happy. You were very generous, but a little too much so it may have looked like you were trying too hard.

I think it was a kind gesture on your part but hugely inappropriate. If i was the ex, I think I would be very annoyed at your interference.

Aww how horrible if her don't bother again.

I think it was a lovely gesture and they seem ungrateful. X

I think it was a lovely thing to do and if your DP has always been useless on mother's day (and other occasions) she was probably caught a bit off guard and overwhelmed by it.
Also you are getting your DP version/ perception of his ex's reaction to the gift, which includes the fact that you have likely shown up his previous (and current) poor effort.
Maybe tone it down in future, with card and smaller gift on occasions, but you do you!
It's also teaching those kids about the importance of marking special occasions and caring for other people's feelings, and demonstrates to them that you like/ respect their mum.

You don’t know the partner or the OP’s mum though, so it wouldn’t be wise to wager a single penny.

@Pimmzy I think one of the things people are missing here is that you actually modelled to the children (and indirectly also to your partner) how to think about someone else and how to plan ahead to arrange something for their happiness – that's never a bad thing. We all know how easy it is to snowball an initial idea in the shops and buy more than intended. The children would have been swept up in the excitement of her eventual surprise, and that's a sweet thing to be part of. The ex may find that threatening, as this kind of idea/selflessness must come naturally to you, and a lot of people might hesitate before doing that (and then eventually not do it). Their relationship is over, you've all moved on, and this was simply a gesture which will have been a nice lesson for the children in gift-giving. See it that way, rather than some of these narrative-twistings here!

You come across here as well considered, not reactive, altruistic and balanced. If my children had a stepmother figure I'd like it to be someone with these qualities rather than someone who felt they had to keep in a strict box the entire time – that tension transfers to the children and there's no need for it if you can all be civil. It's much healthier that these children learn that new, perfectly normal and successful relationships (and by that I mean you and her, you and your partner, you and them) can build from previous fall-out without treading on eggshells.

Best of luck!

You seem to have imagined a different scenario to the one presented to you.

You appear very invested in making a generous gesture from a generous person into something different.

Could you’re own experiences be clouding your judgement to the point where you’re telling a stranger on the internet that she’s talking “bullshit” about her own experience?

Lovely thing to do. Maybe just assist them to make a smaller gesture next year. Or encourage their dad to do help do it. Can see how it might have seemed strange for the mother to go from not receiving anything to then receiving a hamper. Very thoughtful though.

I disagree.

I think the only lesson to learn here is that your partner probably is a childish shit stirrer the way he wanted to relay her comments back. For him to not be grateful or thankful you did a kind gesture for his ex and his children SPEAKS VOLUMES!

I would be re-thinking continuing a relationship with him.

It’s a generous gesture but it’s landed badly with both OP’s partner and his ex (and her own mum, who knows more about the dynamics than we do). Being a good stepparent is not just about impressing the children.

No good turn goes unpunished as they say. I used to send my son exw and family a bag full of luxuries from Waitrose, in one of their nice shopping bags, things like luxury biscuits, chocolates,preserves etc. it was just something to send back with him for all the family, SGC and GC and him and his wife at the time.
They were always all devoured and enjoyed l was told by one of my DGC and my son.
It transpired later when my son had enough and started trying to leave the relationship that exw said at least l won't have to put up with your mum's ' food parcels ' anymore and 'typical bloody northener' sending food was added.
It's not like l sent half a loaf and a tin of my mum's beans, it was literally just treats.

@Aslighthead Her mum is trying to be the voice of reason, see it from both sides - as mine most probably would do. It isn't as deep as you're taking it to be.

I think you did a lovely thing. You're teaching the children that they should be nice to their mum on Mothering Sunday. It's an important thing for some - not all. Maybe she was a bit surprised to get a nice gift (as it'll maybe be the first time) but that doesn't mean it wasn't a good thing to have done.

You could see how he could have felt disgruntled at being shown up, or how she might have been surprised. But the kids have learnt a small lesson in kindness and thoughtfulness.