To think I deserve more money from him

[Sssettt]

Ex is a consultant in NHS. I have a professional job and could have recently taken a job that out earned him but instead took one circa 30k less than his income because I do literally everything for our three year old

He never has our child overnight as he says it’s impossible with his work. He does see them at weekends but again turns up after going to see his patients and leaves by bedtime. Our child adores him. I don’t want to ruin that or affect it.

BUT I am getting so sick of being the dogs body. Ex has never done a nursery run. He’s never compromised his career. I recognise that I could have got a nanny or extended nursery for dc to allow me to have taken the higher paid job I was offered but I couldn’t do that to dc. Yes that’s my choice but also I don’t know how I would have managed given all domestic duties and childcare fall to me.

So here’s the financial part. Ex should pay me £900 a month via cms. He pays 1,200 instead. He will buy dc bits and pieces alongside this and will get some bigger bits like recently a new bed for him.

I feel hard done by because I’ve lost out financially while he hasn’t. His refusal to co parent fairly means I can’t progress like I otherwise would have and I’m paying less into pension etc.

Please no comments about greed, I know he pays far more than other fathers but that’s not the question here. The fact is he is earning lots and has lots of progression and lots in his pension while I cannot, as a result of his failure to do his share of parenting. I feel 1,500 would be fair from him so I can also save.

(Obviously I won’t have the same progression now and he will)

I would 10000% have taken the higher paid job and got a nanny
in a year or so your child will be in school
Negotiate with your ex for them to pay more towards if if he dos no overnights

You’ve said you could have done that
its your choice to not have done that
£30,000 is a lot of money to turn down

I’m sorry OP but I do think you’re unreasonable. You had the choice to earn more, you chose not to.

Yeah he's being shit but you can't control that (other than control access refuse to follow his schedule have it entirely on your terms)

You have to question your decision making too. You opting to take the low paid job is your choice not his fault.

He is paying costs to raise his child not to compensate you.

@BashfulClam yes but in doing so he gets to progress and I don’t. Otherwise we are fully outsourcing our child’s care, no?

@Jellybunny56 i did chose not to but equally I don’t know how I would have juggled that. It’s hard enough in the job I am currently in, also a professional role

With childcare, like other single parents. He pays beyond CMS requirements, for more money you need to earn that yourself.

You say Ex.. is it Ex husband or Ex partner?

@Jellybunny56 yes so I go back to my original point. If I was to work the hours he works then our child would essentially need to board at school.

If you only have a three year old, you haven’t lost that much in terms of earnings or progression.

You need to decide what you want from life given how much he has accepted having your child. You can go for a high earning career and get a nanny or be flexible around your child and earn less.

£1,200 a month already sounds like a lot given that I assume the divorce settlement already took into account your needs. It is child support. Are you really spending an extra £300 on your child every week than your ex is?

I’m not sure what more you want though OP. He chooses not to parent, that’s shit, but the “cost” of that is that he pays full whack CMS and he already pays you more than that off his own back.

@Jellybunny56 i think an extra 300 a month (which I could then put in a pension) would be fair.

There's no legal way of making him pay more through this avenue. If he's already paying more than the CMS calculation, then you need to consider that any request for more could have the opposite effect and he could chose to reduce it to what he has to pay. Yes, I understand what you're saying, but that should have been sorted out within the financial settlement rather than now trying to 'tack' it onto the maintenance payments. Children aren't 'pay to view' in this situation so you aren't able to justify changing contact arrangements either.
When I divorced my ex husband was a much higher earner. This was reflected in the percentage of the financial split rather than reflected in the child maintenance (which CMS set at 15% of his net salary)

Except it wouldn’t be fair, to him.

As I say things currently are actually more than fair in your favour- he could drop it to £900 tomorrow and I suspect he will if you just keep asking for more.

Your progression is not his responsibility. Paying for his child is where his responsibility starts and ends.

You haven't lost on on progression you have chosen not to progress. You could have used childcare options if progression is so important to you.
His contribution is similar to what most families live in a month, not sure why on your higher than average wage plus 1.2k child maintenance that you can't save currently

Shame the bar for men is so low. Of course he should be parenting beyond just paying towards his kid and turning up occasionally for the Disney dad act.

Yabu

Deserve, no. CMS entitlement is a legal minimum so I don't get mothers using that as the benchmark when the other parent is well off. It's like saying older men can marry a girl when she's whatever the legal age is - legally fine, morally dubious. But he does pay above that. You are within your rights to request more for the care of your child but not because you "deserve" it. Had you taken the other job I assume you would have asked for more towards childcare fees and that would have been reasonable. You are resentful because you've made a choice to the benefit of your child while he hasn't made any sacrifices that benefit the child and that's understandable. But it's not his responsibility to make up for what you believe will be your lack of progression, it's not a situation where you're together and have agreed something together. His financial responsibility is to his kid.

But you chose not to, you could have used full time childcare nanny which lots do choose to do but you didn’t want to. He pays over CMS and you get £1200 a month which is huge. You must be a high earner yourself at the moment anyway if taking the new job would have mean you out earned a consultant, why is it you can’t currently pay into your pension?

The money he pays is for your child not your pension

Your choice and you screwed yourself.

You could have hired a nanny and he's paying more than required. Ask for even more because of your choice to earn less and you're likely to find yourself in a FAFO situation.

I kind of see her argument - it's reminds me of when people called Kim Kardashian a gold digger because Kanye West paid high levels of support for their children. The implication was pretty much, since she's rich in her own right, why did she ask anything of him - which I think is mental. They're still his kids and he absolutely should be contributing to their costs regardless. In this case he's paying a decent level of child maintenance but that implication is still there - that the majority burden in all senses is still hers to bear.