To think I deserve more money from him

[Sssettt]

Ex is a consultant in NHS. I have a professional job and could have recently taken a job that out earned him but instead took one circa 30k less than his income because I do literally everything for our three year old

He never has our child overnight as he says it’s impossible with his work. He does see them at weekends but again turns up after going to see his patients and leaves by bedtime. Our child adores him. I don’t want to ruin that or affect it.

BUT I am getting so sick of being the dogs body. Ex has never done a nursery run. He’s never compromised his career. I recognise that I could have got a nanny or extended nursery for dc to allow me to have taken the higher paid job I was offered but I couldn’t do that to dc. Yes that’s my choice but also I don’t know how I would have managed given all domestic duties and childcare fall to me.

So here’s the financial part. Ex should pay me £900 a month via cms. He pays 1,200 instead. He will buy dc bits and pieces alongside this and will get some bigger bits like recently a new bed for him.

I feel hard done by because I’ve lost out financially while he hasn’t. His refusal to co parent fairly means I can’t progress like I otherwise would have and I’m paying less into pension etc.

Please no comments about greed, I know he pays far more than other fathers but that’s not the question here. The fact is he is earning lots and has lots of progression and lots in his pension while I cannot, as a result of his failure to do his share of parenting. I feel 1,500 would be fair from him so I can also save.

He already pays her an extra £300. He should pay £900 but pays £1200. There's no way a 3 year old needs £1200 spending on them each month so OP could bank that additional £300 into a child saving account. It (or any child maintenance money) should not be to top up the pensio0

Did you have a pension sharing order so you get a share of his pension?

I think he’s being pretty generous, tbh. His payments are to cover the child’s costs, not to compensate you for your career choices.

Tour child is young, you have lots of time to improve your own finances.

Op, What's your relationship like with him? If good, have the conversation and see if he will support extra but don't rely on anything above CMS unless you have a court order..perhaps consider a court order for current payments that increase with inflation. He can at anytime reduce his rate to CMS.

I assume you are paying nursery costs? Those will reduce but then there are challenges with school holidays. It isn't easy being a single mum and working but ultimately you have to make the choice, which is to parent more so that you don't regret time away from your son or outsource more care to a nanny (and as he gets older au pair) but accept you see less of your son

I know married women who are very successful and they miss time with their child due to business travel. It isn't just Dads who pursue careers over child raising

The fact that anything more than the legally mandated minimum is seen as unfair to the father but the mother bearing the entire rest of the burden, financially and otherwise, is just normal, speaks volumes.

He is already paying you an additional £300, (which is for his child not for your savings pot). No child not having external child care needs £1200 spending on them a month so I hope excess is being put into a savings account for your son and not being spent on yourself.
It's not the fathers responsibility to top your pension up

@BashfulClam I disagree. He’s made his progression my responsibility.

Sounds like youre just going to argue anyway but you chose not to have the higher paying job. With an extra £30k you could have hired a nanny, your child will be in full time education by 5 years old and with wrap around care you could have done that job.
He pays you more than he needs to.
YABU

That’s not how it works.
Whatever happened within your relationship you still choose to have a child at the end of the day.

@sunsetsites in practice that’s exactly how it is working. He’s progressing because I’m picking up his share of parenting.

I presume in not answering my question this is ex partner not ex husband.

In which case you want the legal protection of marriage without having gone through the process. I totally understand why it feels unfair to you. But that said.. protection for pension and loss of career opportunity is something marriage gives. If you've chosen not to use those protections then im sorry that's on you. He didnt make his career your responsibility.. you let it be.

Your child is 3, how much harm can have been done to your progression in 3/4 years? Take a higher paid job and secure childcare. Or keep a slightly lower paid job.. that must still be high compared to most people and use part of the £1200 child maintenance to fund a pension for you.

Im sorry it feels unfair but your choices have led you here too and you dont appear to want to hear anyone tell you a view different to your own.

Tale as old as time...and happens to married women too. Yeah it sucks.

@Sssettt I wonder if your expectations are the reason he's now Ex?
You chose to have a child. Like it or not, your body your choice and one parent will almost inevitably take a greater share of parenting at particular points. You must have known how career focused your Ex was before conceiving?
High powered parents generally have an army of people supporting (replacing?).their parenting and home keeping. If you don't want that you can't have it both ways.
Pursue this at your peril. Ex could well just pay what he has to instead. You can't force anything more or make him a more hands on parent.

@Mooselooseinmyhoose sorry I missed your post! No we weren’t married. I don’t agree with women being forced to marry someone to have such ‘protections’ - otherwise known as access to basic rights. They should be there regardless of marriage. Like they are for a man

@Seelybe i don’t think expectations that i each parent should be equally financially penalised for being a parent, should be controversial?

I think yabu because you recognise that you had options...you could have taken the job and got a nanny and outsourced some household tasks. He doesn't need to subsidise your pension when you chose to take a lesser paying job.

I do think he is a crap dad btw who seems to put time with his child below all else, but I think thats a separate issue.

You’ve been a martyr and now you’re realising that it’s a fools choice.

Next time you’re offered a much higher paying job, take it and pay a live in nanny the 30/35k salary.

@ObliviousCoalmine it feels so unfair on dc though. And in actually being a parent to him I lose out my own security while ex enhances his.

His maintenance would cover his share of childcare so that you could have taken the higher paying role. It would also have covered a cleaner.
your pension and earning potential were only affected for a few years. That can soon be made up. It’s awful that he doesn’t see his child very much and they don’t come first but I think that’s a different argument.

I dont disagree with you in theory. The system is shit for so many women. I got screwed the other way and had to pay out my ex husband for his affairs.

But.. whilst we may not agree in being pressured for marriage to ensure legal protections.. thats literally what the law says. If your married the settlement would have accounted for pension and loss of progression. There is no legal means to secure compensation for that without marriage.

Which means you have two options.. one if you have a good relationship with him discuss your concerns with him. But what's the plan.. 300 a month more forever? Until your child is 18? What's the end point.

Or you accept that the situation you are in is legally shit and you find a way to move on.

Your history suggests you're a high earning and professional lady so I have every faith in you rebuilding progression if you want to.

Unfortunately for you. Your reluctance to progress was a choice you made so your child wasn't in care so much. That's clearly not a priority for him which unfortunately is his decision . Legally all you can force is what cms dictates so you can't force him to pay more than he already does. If you push the issue he might pay less than he is paying now .

You may not agree but that was a mistake on your part.
He has no obligation to pay into your pension, his obligation is his child, which he appears to be stepping up to.
As for 'basic rights' you have non because of your choice and apparent distain for marriage, your choice!

Yes, that’s what happens when you’re left holding the baby. Luckily you earn well and he pays well. Your job choice is your job choice. You either crack on as is until the child is old enough to not need so much formalised childcare or you get a higher paying job and outsource some childcare. That’s what all solo parent families do, this quandary isn’t a rare one. You make choices, and they’re often compromises. Are you always happy with them? No. Are they always ‘fair’? No. It’ll come good in the long run.

Lots of sympathy op, and I actually do think your career progression is partly his responsibility. You made a joint decision to have a child and the consequences of that should also be joint, including the long term consequences like career progression and pension. (ETA just seen you weren’t married, which makes this argument weaker because legally you weren’t a joint entity making joint decisions even if practically you felt you were.) Sadly, you can’t force him to pay more so you’re better to focus on what you can do and build acceptance of the unfair situation.

Unfortunately, selfish people do often get rewarded in this world. Regarding this specific job you turned down, you could have earned more at your child’s expense (I think that’s how you’re framing additional childcare hours) and chose not to. That was your decision alone and I applauded it, it’s good to do what you think is best for your dc. Someone else (exh) made the opposite decision, putting money and career first. So they have more money, obviously. Lots of people in the world make money off the back of morally dubious decisions, lots of very good people are poor. The world ain’t fair.

You dont want to put your child in childcare but even if you could get the dad to step up it looks like they would have to go into childcare on his days anyway. I think in hindsight you should have took that job.

Giving you extra money so YOU can save for YOUR pension.🤔
If I was him I'd cut back to the required amount by the CMS and treat my kid more when I saw them. Having said that you've hardly lost out much if it's only 3 years career / money wise.