To think I deserve more money from him

[Sssettt]

Ex is a consultant in NHS. I have a professional job and could have recently taken a job that out earned him but instead took one circa 30k less than his income because I do literally everything for our three year old

He never has our child overnight as he says it’s impossible with his work. He does see them at weekends but again turns up after going to see his patients and leaves by bedtime. Our child adores him. I don’t want to ruin that or affect it.

BUT I am getting so sick of being the dogs body. Ex has never done a nursery run. He’s never compromised his career. I recognise that I could have got a nanny or extended nursery for dc to allow me to have taken the higher paid job I was offered but I couldn’t do that to dc. Yes that’s my choice but also I don’t know how I would have managed given all domestic duties and childcare fall to me.

So here’s the financial part. Ex should pay me £900 a month via cms. He pays 1,200 instead. He will buy dc bits and pieces alongside this and will get some bigger bits like recently a new bed for him.

I feel hard done by because I’ve lost out financially while he hasn’t. His refusal to co parent fairly means I can’t progress like I otherwise would have and I’m paying less into pension etc.

Please no comments about greed, I know he pays far more than other fathers but that’s not the question here. The fact is he is earning lots and has lots of progression and lots in his pension while I cannot, as a result of his failure to do his share of parenting. I feel 1,500 would be fair from him so I can also save.

For an NHS consultant's tax bracket, £30k after tax is only £1500 per month. You'd be asking him to contribute the entire difference in your pay.

I think you are very foolish indeed to leave your career progression, salary and financial security tied to the whims of an ex boyfriend you were never married to.

You've left yourself very vulnerable and are now crying that 'it's not fair' and 'he should pay me more' when actually he pays more than is expected and you've made your own choices about how to live your life.

Deal with the consequences of those. You chose to turn down a high paying job. You chose not to marry because you didn't see why you should do. Simply expecting things to change to suit your idea of what would be best (an ex boyfriend paying your pension?? ) is just silliness.

Out of the two of you, which of you is going to have the closer relationship with your DC as they grow up? Who is the DC more likely to want to actively support in their old age?

While it’s admirable you put your child first over your career, you can’t hold that over him, as annoying as it is.

I wouldn’t push this. Carry on as you are then look at a nanny when your child starts school.

He literally pays you a wage for CM. £300 more than expected.
You chose not to progress- you had options.
He pays more than enough for the child, he shouldn’t foot the bill for YOU. You aren’t his responsibility financially.

It’s not his responsibility to pay your pension now though. The money he gives us to cover towards cost of raising a child.

What the heck do these questions have to do with the price of milk?

Choices have consequences.

As others have pointed out, OP could have taken the higher paying job, but has chosen to prioritise having more time with the DC, as the higher paying job would have meant more time spent in childcare. Although as has already been pointed out, in a few years OP could potentially go after higher paying jobs with less impact on the DC than it would have to do it now.

The ex could also have chosen to prioritise more time with the child, but instead is going for the career progression.

No-one can be sure of anything, of course, but in general you would expect a child to feel closer to the parent who spends more time with them. What is that worth? Priceless, I would imagine.

Stop trying to be a money grabber, you made your own choice

Gosh what a bitter little post. He could likely get a part time nanny for 1200 a month. I don’t think the op wants 50 50 split. She wants paying .

Just imagine for a minute that he suddenly said he was going to give up his job and take a lower paid 9-5 job so he could have joint custody 50/50.
You would get a lot less money and still have problems round childcare.
He is paying you £300 a month more than the CSA figure. If that is not being spent on your child then that covers your pension.

Asking him for more just smacks of greed. There are single mums all over the country getting by with little or no help from the absent dads.
Count your blessings. You chose to have a child with this man. You sound very resentful.

Of course, and that was your choice. The consequence of that is all you were financially entitled to, from him, upon the end of your relationship, was child maintenance.

You have the same rights as him regarding your child. You could have chosen differently regarding childcare. That you declined promotion is not something he is obliged to compensate you for.

This, plus ex husband pays a decent amount of cms.
You are getting a better deal than most.
In nearly every relationship that I know of, it's the woman whose earning capacity /career is impacted by cc responsibilities.
And most people don't get sufficient maintenance.
I am not being insensitive to your situation OP but you have to let it go or it will destroy you

I think you know deep down that he doesn’t have to pay you anymore than legal amount. Life is rubbish. Meeting men that don’t turn out to be the guy we expected/ wanted is rubbish. Having to solo parent is rubbish. But that’s the risk isn’t it really of having kid with someone. He shouldn’t have to pay you anymore than legal more. It’s common for one parent to seem to have a better life than the other. Like I say it’s literally rubbish.

OP is being paid.
Not a bitter little post at all

Who do you think you are… miss entitled,privileged….

Look OP as a lone parent I had no choice BUT to have a live in nanny. She was with us 10 years and was/is part of my family. Then when DD went to secondary she did flexi boarding for two nights a week which she loved. You are making things harder for yourself. Your ex is a total arse though.

He's paying you £1,200 a month and you could have taken a job on medical consultant wages...!
It was your choice not to hire a nanny. You could have done so.

With respect, you don't know what unfair is, OP 🙄

Would there be much difference between the 1200 and the extra you would get in your wages every month?

I don't see the point in wanting more money. It wont change your situation.
You'll still have an ex who doesn't want to parent properly.
You'll still be in a position where you feel you have to choose your dc over your career.
Exes financial obligations are to your shared child, not your pension. And he's meeting those obligations.

I agree with previous posters. I am not in a financial situation such as yours and, yes, I do feel resentful that my ex husband earns about £70k and pays me less than £400 a month and has all the free time in the world BUT …. then I remember what I mean to my children, and the morals and values I’ve brought them up with. I can be proud of that, and they know who has been there for them, and it shows …. despite any Disney dad displays. Peace and contentment knowing I’ve done right by my children is worth more than anything, your daughter will know that too.

OP I don't agree with some of your points about the unfairness of this situation, but what I struggle with is the concept of whether or not you deserve it. That is beside the point.

Because you have chosen you reject two of the ways in which women can achieve some security under capitalism: marriage and more money.

I'm sorry your ex is an arsehole, and you can't force him to do his fair share or parenting a child he produced, but you have rejected ways to minimise the impact of that. Twice.

It really frustrates me that men and women are still treated so differently when it comes to parenting.

If a mother only saw her child for a few hours a week, she’d be torn to shreds.
So I completely see why you feel things are so unfair.

However, I think it’s unfair to blame him for you taking a £30k job.
This was completely your choice and you would have benefitted from his high income just as much as he did.
He essentially enabled you to work a job that meant you were home more with your son.

I wouldn’t expect more money now but I would expect him to do more parenting.

Surely he gets 2 days off every week?
Why can’t he have him on these 2 days - if it lands on a week day he can pick DS up from nursery and drop him off there the following morning.

You need to let go of the idea that you don't have equal rights, I don't think it's helpful for you.
You had the right, same as him, to prioritise your career and pay for someone else to look after your children. He had the right, same as you, to sacrifice his career to spend more time with his children. You made different choices, but they were choices.

Are you insane?

The money he pays you is for your child. Not for you and your pension.

Think yourself lucky you even get any. Some of us don't.

You're ungrateful.