To think I deserve more money from him

[Sssettt]

Ex is a consultant in NHS. I have a professional job and could have recently taken a job that out earned him but instead took one circa 30k less than his income because I do literally everything for our three year old

He never has our child overnight as he says it’s impossible with his work. He does see them at weekends but again turns up after going to see his patients and leaves by bedtime. Our child adores him. I don’t want to ruin that or affect it.

BUT I am getting so sick of being the dogs body. Ex has never done a nursery run. He’s never compromised his career. I recognise that I could have got a nanny or extended nursery for dc to allow me to have taken the higher paid job I was offered but I couldn’t do that to dc. Yes that’s my choice but also I don’t know how I would have managed given all domestic duties and childcare fall to me.

So here’s the financial part. Ex should pay me £900 a month via cms. He pays 1,200 instead. He will buy dc bits and pieces alongside this and will get some bigger bits like recently a new bed for him.

I feel hard done by because I’ve lost out financially while he hasn’t. His refusal to co parent fairly means I can’t progress like I otherwise would have and I’m paying less into pension etc.

Please no comments about greed, I know he pays far more than other fathers but that’s not the question here. The fact is he is earning lots and has lots of progression and lots in his pension while I cannot, as a result of his failure to do his share of parenting. I feel 1,500 would be fair from him so I can also save.

YANBU in the slightest.

I think you need to force his hand to have his DC more inc. overnights or ask for a much higher contribution.

£300 a month does not begin to cover the disparity in the amount of care you’re putting into bring up your joint child and he’s completely taking the piss.

Presumably he doesn’t want his child to be in a child care setting for 10 hours a day? I think you should use this argument as your bargaining tool.

Single parents or not, many mothers (including myself) have made career compromises to prioritise our children. It’s a choice. Your ex sounds like he’s being very reasonable with money to be honest paying more than he needs to and contributing to extras too. I personally wouldn’t have any issue with this. You made your choice for your reasons and you could have chosen differently. You’re making this his fault and you will be eaten up by bitterness if you keep looking at it like that.

Your child won’t always be so little. There could be scope to progress in future, or you could do it now and go for the nanny option and tell your child that you prioritised their financial future. YOUR choice.

You want him to pay for your choices. And you will have known his hours when you chose to proceate with him.

you’re not entitled to his money, that’s the short and long of it. You were not married, and he pays above the minimum, but that money is for his child not for you. 1300 will pay the additional costs of having a 3 year old 50 percent of the time. Your job is to pay the other 5o percent. As you were unmarried you are not entitled to his money for yourself

it’s admirable you don’t want your child to have a nanny, and the boarding is hyperbole, no one boards at that age, but you want the money for you. Not your child and that’s where your argument just looks grabby.

But men wouldn’t have any rights to your finances had you been the higher earner if they weren’t married either. The laws around financial settlements following divorce apply equally to both sexes.

1200 a month more than covers half the child costs. And you can’t presume anything on what he wants for his child. Plenty of children are in childcare 10 hours a day and they are happy and balanced.

You can try - however are you prepared to lose the extra he's currently paying above CMS if he decides to go that route instead?

Not really, you could put more pressure on him to have DC.

The hard fact is that your ex is happy to outsource parenting and you are not. If you want to go toe to toe with him, get a nanny and take a higher paying job

What would you do if he went 50/50?

The issue here is not the op doesn’t think he’s not paying fairly to the kid, she thinks she deserves his money for not taking the higher paid job, assuming it even existed and was on offer to her. So she could spend more time with her child. He will know if it really was realistic; but even if it was, as they were never married she is not entitled to a single penny of his money for herself, the money is for the child. Not her.

she’s basically wanting spousal support, and even in long term marriages that’s rare these days. But she’s seeing the money he pays as hers, and she’s wanting more.

@Sssettt

Just out of curiosity, what are your current working hours and what hours would the job you turned down have entailed? Would we be talking about a massive increase in your hours? If so, I can see you turning it down but that was your choice. And I'm not criticizing you for putting your time with your child over the money. But no, you don't 'deserve' more money from him due to the choice you have made. You can ask if he'd be willing to increase the maintenance amount but that's about it.

The big problem is that you can't force a parent to have their child, even if you have a court order. You choose to prioritize your child. He does not. And unfortunately you can't force him into having her more and then providing childcare for her during his working hours.

And as far as not being married, unmarried partners do have 'equal rights' with each other when it comes to the children. And marriage vs non-marriage can be beneficial or non-beneficial to both sexes depending on their respective financial positions. A high earning woman can be just as wise in not marrying an equal or lower earning man as much as a woman can be wise to marry an equal or higher earning man. But in either case you can't force the 'other parent' to spend more time with the child or to financially contribute more to the child than the law allows. Unfortunately what you didn't do was consider the effect a split would have on your earnings capability before having a child. Something that every man or woman should consider carefully, married or not.

Just to be clear. He pays you £300 over the going rate and you want him to pay £300 more again, not for your child, but to put in a pension?

I think you need to accept the cards you've been dealt and move on with your life, otherwise you'll end up even more embittered and resentful. You decided to turn down a better paid job and seek suitable childcare because you preferred not to. Lots of people much less fortunate than you have to juggle work with parental responsibilities because it's necessary. Sometimes life isn't 'fair' but we have to make the best of situations and get on with our lives.

I think you have to accept that you have made your own choices. You are, I'm sure, rightly proud of putting your DC first, but I don't think you can expect your ex to compensate you financially for having higher standards of parenthood than him, especially as you want the money for your own pension/savings. I think asking him to prioritise your DC more is the way to go.

What happened when you were still together? His hours must have always been tricky. Would you have been able to advance your career if you were still together?

I agree with you. Your DH should want you to be looking after your child. But because you're getting quite a lot of maintenance, people on here are going to hold that against you so it's pointless asking.

If he's anything like my ex his reasoning would be that he would not pay for you to look after your own child. He would rather have paid for the DC to go to nursery. That's because he's an illogical arse who doesn't put the welfare of his children first. His hatred of me came first.

Anyway, £300 is surely peanuts to your ex...

@Sssettt Ex is a consultant in NHS. I have a professional job and could have recently taken a job that out earned him but instead took one circa 30k less than his income

Sounds like you are two wealthy individuals and this is a first world problem.

Worried about your finances? Try getting rid of that stupid SUV you have sitting outside.

it not his fault you’re not prioritising your career!!!!
good grief.

Sorry OP I agree with PP, you should take the 30k extra job and put DC in nursery. The money will cushion the cost of nursery, but also ensure your career progressea and put you in a great place for future opportunities. Its hard and feels horrible but if money is an issue when you are a single parent you just do what you have to do

I find some of these viewpoints very odd.

Why doesn’t the father go 50/50 and pay for nanny to cover his share. Oh, because it’s cheaper to dump his responsibility onto his ex partner. How convenient.

With his god-like consultant status he is apparently immune from having any childcare responsibilities or overnight stays.

But it’s all fine, because he pays £300 more than the minimum amount required by CSM. I bet he’s at his maximum pension contribution OP.

Your pension?!?!

Whatever you’re smoking, I’d like some.

Your ex absolutely needs to step up as a dad. Its not his job to subsidise your pension.

Who on earth turns down an extra £30k per annum and career progression?!
Most of us would absolutely love to have that choice but instead have to drag our arses to shitty paid jobs and spend every last penny on astronomical nursery fees.
You are definitely being VERY unreasonable here.......

Well yes, but there is nothing you can do about that. Your ex is a bit shit, bit it is what it is. Not sure what you expect to happen as you can’t force someone to parent ( & would you want him with a resentful dad, or just in childcare at dad’s?)

You pay your money and make your choice then you have to live with it. You are wishing someone else was different, which is never going to happen.

I assume his payments are intended for his child, not to bolster your savings? If you say that's what you'll be using it for, will he increase, do you think? It would certainly be amoral to take his money under false pretenses.

I also don't think you can blame him for choices you've made. I assume he didn't demand that you take the lower-paying job?