To think I deserve more money from him

[Sssettt]

Ex is a consultant in NHS. I have a professional job and could have recently taken a job that out earned him but instead took one circa 30k less than his income because I do literally everything for our three year old

He never has our child overnight as he says it’s impossible with his work. He does see them at weekends but again turns up after going to see his patients and leaves by bedtime. Our child adores him. I don’t want to ruin that or affect it.

BUT I am getting so sick of being the dogs body. Ex has never done a nursery run. He’s never compromised his career. I recognise that I could have got a nanny or extended nursery for dc to allow me to have taken the higher paid job I was offered but I couldn’t do that to dc. Yes that’s my choice but also I don’t know how I would have managed given all domestic duties and childcare fall to me.

So here’s the financial part. Ex should pay me £900 a month via cms. He pays 1,200 instead. He will buy dc bits and pieces alongside this and will get some bigger bits like recently a new bed for him.

I feel hard done by because I’ve lost out financially while he hasn’t. His refusal to co parent fairly means I can’t progress like I otherwise would have and I’m paying less into pension etc.

Please no comments about greed, I know he pays far more than other fathers but that’s not the question here. The fact is he is earning lots and has lots of progression and lots in his pension while I cannot, as a result of his failure to do his share of parenting. I feel 1,500 would be fair from him so I can also save.

The money’s not for you or your pension, it’s to cover the cost of your child. You should have taken the more highly paid job.

Morality went out the window when you chose to split up so soon into your young child’s life.

You do have the rights he has, you can also pay someone else to look after your child. If you put in the same amount that’s £2400 per month, which will buy quite a lot of childcare.

Ask him and see what he says, there’s nothing to lose.

OP, re getting married. I didn't marry my late DH because I wanted to wear a pretty dress and have a party. I made that choice because I knew it gave protection to me and any children we had. That was over 40 years ago.
You can't have it both ways, he's paying more than he should for his child, you made the decision not to take a higher paid job I don't know how old you are or what work you do, but if you can afford to refuse £30,000 then you aren't badly off.
Yes, it's a shame he doesn't do more hands on parenting, but you do have options about what you can do. You need to get out of the mindset that he should pay for your pension and how unfair you think it all is.

Have you asked him to raise it to £1,500? He might be fine with that.

@Sssettt so you had a child as a career focused woman with a career focused man on the basis that each of you would still progress or not in your careers equally? And you agreed in advance how that would work?
In which case see my previous response and he should be paying 50% for the army. But you didn't choose that. Pennies and buns.
Not controversial at all. Common sense.

@TunafishSandwich i didn’t choose to

@Duckiewasthefirstniceguy no I haven’t yet

The majority of the messages on here are taking monetary contributions as the most important factor. What OP probably needs to do is to be seen to pursue her preferred career path, have ex pay half associated childcare costs and share custody 50/50. Clearly he wouldn’t comply and then the point is made and he would more than likely stump up to have the ‘problem’ go away. I do appreciate this is somewhat idealistic but I’m with you OP.

Its not often I'm on the father's side, but he's already doing more financially than he has to so that extra could go towards childcare/cleaning/laundry services etc. Own your choices OP, money isn't everything.

I think you should. I wouldn’t mention the job you didn’t take and I’d keep emotion out of it. Basically say ‘stuff costs X and I’d like you to contribute £1,500 a month’.

He could just go ‘okay’ and all of this will be moot.

Personally I don't see it as you missing out on your career. You have pivoted your life to include your child. You work, earn a good wage and have am amazing child that loves you.
I think that's the 'sacrifice' most people make when they have children.
Because he hasn't made this 'sacrifice' means he is missing out on the very important and rewarding part of being a parent. I would choose less money and 'career progression' over less time with my child anyday.

I’m afraid it is naive to make career sacrifices when not married - you have no entitlement to anything on a split to reflect your sacrifices.

Look, I entirely get why you don’t want to do the same hours as he purports to need to. But that is ultimately a choice you are making.

I would also say that I know consultants who are single parents with the child all bar EOW (or 100% of the time) and they do make it work for them, with sacrifices and/or more childcare than they would like. So the idea he can’t do anything more is simply fanciful - he could if he wanted to, he simply doesn’t want to prioritise it. But at the end of the day you can’t force him to do his share. And that does suck.

You could say to him that you can’t support yourself inc pension off what you are earning and so you’ll be needing to take better paid jobs with longer hours, and as such he will need to step up more. If he says impossible you then have a window to discuss raising his contribution.

But do bear in mind anything over CMS is ultimately on a goodwill basis so I would not rely on it indefinitely.

Op I think you’re assuming that people saying you made your choice infers it was the wrong one. You made the choice that made sense to you and you continue to step up for your child. Your ex is losing out by not stepping up, you’re the one who gets to feel all the amazing feelings parents feel as their child grows up, he doesn’t get that. I agree it’s tough to think of working and missing out but it sometimes has to be done but people do it with parental leave, fun at the weekends etc. Either way you need to stop thinking of him as the lucky one, he’s not lucky

@CoralOP thanks, this is a nice perspective and I do agree with you

@Morepositivemum thank you. I agree, he certainly is missing out and I wouldn’t leave dc to board or have a nanny as I cherish the time we have together

I see what you mean. It's unfair that the people (usually women) who take on the bulk of the childcare for the well-being of their children have to take a hit to their careers and pension. He is able to have kids and a great career because someone else is taking up that slack. However, there's nothing you can do about that, and being resentful will only hurt you. So let it go.

What will happen though OP if he decides yes he will step up and insist on 50% of the care of your child. Would you be happy to see your child every other week? He could hire his own nanny/ask his mum/new wife. That may cancel out any child maintenance he has to pay. Especially as you earn similar amounts. I think you are looking at this from the wrong angle. Currently you have all the control. If he went to court he probably would be entitled to 50%. That would be court ordered and you have to do it.
Just something that hasn't been mentioned.

Sssettt
thank you. I agree, he certainly is missing out and I wouldn’t leave dc to board or have a nanny as I cherish the time we have together

but also bear in mind that even with a nanny or in childcare you would still have time together and less worries on money. I’ve done sahm, flexible low paid and inflexible higher paid and now am regretting leaving the higher paying job but you can also look at changing direction a few years from now x

A father's responsibility starts and ends with providing financially? Who's responsibility is it to care for the child and bring them up? Surely 50% of that responsibility is automatically the fathers? What happens if mum says ill look after child 50% only, I dont want financial recompense I just want you to care for the child we brought into this world together........this in turn would allow her to also advance in her career.

i did chose not to but equally I don’t know how I would have juggled that. It’s hard enough in the job I am currently in, also a professional role
Well, many mothers do exactly that for the exact reasons you are raising.

I became a single mum of two toddlers. I continue to work FT and progress in my career. Their father didn't look after them but for a few hours on Saturdays and got no maintenance from him. I also had no famy to help. My kids were at nursery from 8am to 5 or 6pm M-F.

They are now adults and are amazing in every way. Both in fantastic careers and I'm very close to both of them.

Sorry but it's hard to believe you are as helpeless about your situation as you are making it out to be. It really is a choice.

I don't necessarily agree with the OP but that is uncalled for.

So you want a 50/50 arrangement? You’d get no CMS if that was the case.

Also you need to look up the definition of CMS. Be grateful he’s at least part of his life, albeit to not your preferred percentage.

This is your biggest error - assuming that you’re still afforded the same protections as a married woman in the event that your relationship broke down. How long were you together? Did you have a shared property? How long have you been apart?