To think I deserve more money from him

[Sssettt]

Ex is a consultant in NHS. I have a professional job and could have recently taken a job that out earned him but instead took one circa 30k less than his income because I do literally everything for our three year old

He never has our child overnight as he says it’s impossible with his work. He does see them at weekends but again turns up after going to see his patients and leaves by bedtime. Our child adores him. I don’t want to ruin that or affect it.

BUT I am getting so sick of being the dogs body. Ex has never done a nursery run. He’s never compromised his career. I recognise that I could have got a nanny or extended nursery for dc to allow me to have taken the higher paid job I was offered but I couldn’t do that to dc. Yes that’s my choice but also I don’t know how I would have managed given all domestic duties and childcare fall to me.

So here’s the financial part. Ex should pay me £900 a month via cms. He pays 1,200 instead. He will buy dc bits and pieces alongside this and will get some bigger bits like recently a new bed for him.

I feel hard done by because I’ve lost out financially while he hasn’t. His refusal to co parent fairly means I can’t progress like I otherwise would have and I’m paying less into pension etc.

Please no comments about greed, I know he pays far more than other fathers but that’s not the question here. The fact is he is earning lots and has lots of progression and lots in his pension while I cannot, as a result of his failure to do his share of parenting. I feel 1,500 would be fair from him so I can also save.

It’s not bitter. It’s totally wrong that parents can pick and choose when to have their kids.

You think he can get a part time nanny for £1200 a month when he can’t current do ANY nursery drop offs, pick ups or over nights?

Don’t worry op, as soon as your 3 year old is independent I’m sure he’ll be staying overnight with Daddy and he’ll reduce your payments accordingly.

He’s not going to give the extra money is he, so irrespective of whether Mumsnet say he’s unreasonable or not is a moot point.

Grabby.

Vile.

@jackdunnock no you’ve mistaken me for my ex there

@Shiremum40 i know, @Wildgoat has got some bizarre calculations as to what it would actually cost ex to pay someone to fill in for him as I do.

You say he earns 30k more than you, assuming that is before tax. If you add on the tax & NI to what he is giving you then he is giving you 18k of his salary so he is more than meeting you half way with your gap. Plus he is buying any big extras with your bed example.

You are acting hard done by but surely you must see you are getting way more financial assistance than most single parents. Many are having to raise their child alone but ex is not earning much so not getting anywhere near what you are getting, others like myself the ex manages to escape giving anything at all.

It's not his job to fund his ex pension for the next 15 years, you are making the choice between taking on childcare or doing it yourself. Not saying that is the wrong choice, but you can't blame your career progression on him. If he did do 50/50 he would still progress the same as he would have childcare for the hours he needs, you could do the same. Then he wouldn't have to give you a penny either, is that really what you want? You want the best of both worlds, to be there for your child but still have the salary of if you chose a career. The world don't work like that. You are just looking for someone to blame and coming across pretty grabby

But he isn't paying towards your pension.
He is paying towards your childs current needs.

You have accepted a job circa £30k less than him. He is paying you £14.4K a year - so you’re both pretty much breaking even, no? Not to mention, that £14.4K a year is tax free, whilst the £30k more that he earns is not, so won’t be a clear £30k profit.

You’re getting enough.

He’s paying a fair amount. You also need to remember he’s no longer your partner, but you’re expecting him to act as such. You are the primary parent and that means your child is your responsibility in all ways. Expect far less from him because he’s communicated what he’s willing to do. You can work towards earning more if you want- he could pay for half the childcare, but for your own happiness you need to focus on you and your child, not what he’s doing.

So OP lots of us have had to make this choice and you have clearly said that you chose this option. I chose to continue my career with more promotions etc and increased salary. This meant that I had to use child care options for my child and occasionally miss out on things such as the odd sports day etc. that was my choice. There is no option where you can have it all. You have to make your choice and deal with the consequences. Please come to terms with this and make peace with it or you will end up very bitter.

Read This is Going to Hurt by Adam Kay… whatever heavy lifting you are doing is in comparison to what he’ll have had to do to make it as a Consultant, what he does every day the better deal. Also you could have opted to have this well paying career if you had really wanted to. He’s being more than fair is helping hundreds of sick people and I’m sure would love being able to have your child overnight. He is being more than fair.

I don't mean to sound awful here and I may well be entirely wrong.
I think the OP expects her ex partner to still have the same outlook towards her as when they were a couple. (I can only apologise OP if i'm wrong)
It's as though you expect him to still care about your pension, as though you are still a couple.
I understand that he might not spend enough time with your child and I get that.
However your career progression and pension is not his concern.

NHS Drs (and other staff) have one of the hardest jobs there is. You had a choice to go with a medic, or not. You made a choice over your career. YABVU

I think this is a tale as old as time, and is regardless of whether you are separated or not.
one parent of the pair tends to be the main caregiver and sacrifice more. And traditionally tends to be the mum. That’s usually by choice. Career sacrifices are made, but the trade off is to spend more quality time with your child. And that is invaluable. Over time life/work will get easier as your child gets older and starts school etc.
my career has now taken off now that my sons are older and I have surpassed my husbands earnings. Took me a bit longer to play catch up. But here we are.
I absolutely would however, encourage your ex to step up a bit more in terms of childcare

Wow, I can't believe some of these responses. All I can conclude is many posters are jealous of the money he gives the op every month.

The op stated that he has never had their child overnight...this is seriously shit and yes whilst he has a demanding job with unsociable hours, the idea that he could never look after their child overnight is surely nonsense. Are all female doctors/consultants doing this also? It sounds like a convenient excuse to get out of doing any serious parenting.

Fwiw op I imagine if you'd stayed married to him, your career would have been affected the same way.

Personally I think you should pay for childcare and work on your career...if you don't you are going to end up extremely bitter and resentful. I say this with kindness.

It's shit being a woman.

You made the decision to earn less to be more present for your children. Do you think on your deathbed you'll be wishing you took the better paid job? I doubt it. You're the real winner here and it's just sad that he's choosing to miss out on as much of his kids childhood as he is. Be the bigger person and recognise that your sacrifice is priceless.

This is just madness! Are you suggesting that medics should not have children as they can’t cope with them with their work commitments? Heaven forbid we have any female medics having children.

What NHS consultant job is 7 days a week?

If he had their child over night he would be paying less cms

And he’s paying you £1200 net of tax because of that AND extras on top. Do some maths, but if your child is costing you nearly £2.5 there’s something going horribly wrong somewhere.

And if he did have the child overnight, the money would also go down even further. Come on, you know how this works!

So what? That doesn't make it acceptable to never look after your own child overnight, never do a nursery run and just rock up occasionally for a few hours and never do any of the heavy lifting.

The job is a red herring, I suspect he'd be the same even if he had no job.

Morally possibly, but not a chance unless he agrees. He could cut it back to £900 and you'd lose even more without any recourse; tread carefully.

50/50 parenting should be a legal requirement unless there are safeguarding reasons. Parents who don't step up need charging with neglect & placing on tag with tight curfews until child is 18 so that their options & freedom is as limited as the other parent. Stop excusing child abandonment. These men are incompatible with a fair & equal society & it's high time we tackled this once & for all.

The OP seems to want more money not more help. You’re absolutely right but that involves her not meeting the objective of getting more than she’s already entitled to!

she says not to mention how greedy she is in the OP, but there’s no other way to frame it - she wants somebody else to fund her choice