To think I deserve more money from him

[Sssettt]

Ex is a consultant in NHS. I have a professional job and could have recently taken a job that out earned him but instead took one circa 30k less than his income because I do literally everything for our three year old

He never has our child overnight as he says it’s impossible with his work. He does see them at weekends but again turns up after going to see his patients and leaves by bedtime. Our child adores him. I don’t want to ruin that or affect it.

BUT I am getting so sick of being the dogs body. Ex has never done a nursery run. He’s never compromised his career. I recognise that I could have got a nanny or extended nursery for dc to allow me to have taken the higher paid job I was offered but I couldn’t do that to dc. Yes that’s my choice but also I don’t know how I would have managed given all domestic duties and childcare fall to me.

So here’s the financial part. Ex should pay me £900 a month via cms. He pays 1,200 instead. He will buy dc bits and pieces alongside this and will get some bigger bits like recently a new bed for him.

I feel hard done by because I’ve lost out financially while he hasn’t. His refusal to co parent fairly means I can’t progress like I otherwise would have and I’m paying less into pension etc.

Please no comments about greed, I know he pays far more than other fathers but that’s not the question here. The fact is he is earning lots and has lots of progression and lots in his pension while I cannot, as a result of his failure to do his share of parenting. I feel 1,500 would be fair from him so I can also save.

But you could have progressed. You chose not to.

I'm not saying you were wrong with your choice, but it's not his responsibility to compensate for your choice any more...

The money he pays is for his child, not to enable you to save and he pays you a lot. You could have arranged childcare and taken the high paying job. Thats on you.

You can disagree all you like but it won’t suddenly become fact.

But you’re trying to force your parenting choices on him. He’s chosen to “fully outsource” his childcare, if you were suddenly unable to care for the child I’m quite sure he would hire a nanny and whatever help was needed. His £1,200 a month would fund half the childcare needed for you to do the same. You don’t want to do that. That’s fine, but it’s your choice. You also chose not to get married, so obviously you shouldn’t have the protection of marriage either, I absolutely think that financial sharing should be an active choice not something that just happens in any relationship. Your “basic protections” are the child support he pays, he owes you nothing.

He is not responsible for your choices.

Do you actually want him to do more with your child, perhaps cutting his hours and income to do so? Or do you want more money?

What you feel he is responsible for, is
distinct from what he actually is responsble for. Whether you like this or not is immaterial.

He isn’t legally responsible to provide anything above the CMS figure. He’s already freely choosing to overpay. If you try to insist that he is responsible for more, then you run the very real risk of him stopping the additional contribution.

The protections of marriage are available to both men and women. If you had been the higher earner he would’ve been entitled to a share taking account of your future pension payments. You chose not to get married therefore you didn’t get a settlement that takes into account his generous NHS consultant pension.

accordingly, you can’t expect even more money from him now to top up your Pension. you’ve got great earning potential and you’ve got the ability to get a live-in nanny for a few years.

I work with Consultants. The two male consultants regularly leave early for the ‘nursery run’ or other child related things. I regularly hear them say ‘I can’t make it as ‘xyz’’ related to parenting role. The only time they can’t is if it’s their ward week.

If he had to he would. Or he’d choose to pay someone to do it. Stop filling in the gaps.

You should both do equal amounts.

@Mooselooseinmyhoose it’s difficult isn’t it. I am glad I didn’t marry him and glad I kept my own life separate given his behaviour but it really isn’t right that the result of that is he does what he likes while I pick up the pieces. I don’t want to leave dc in a boarding school so I will
continue to make the sacrifice. It’s just frustrating that whilst we tip toe around these issues the hard facts are that money means protection and means power and control
over your life. Letting men get away with hoarding that is where the root of many issues with misogyny begin.

@BlackbirdShouting I have said this so often to ex. He is adamant that in his particular field that isn’t the case. Can I ask which area these consultants are in?

@Sssettt when two people choose to have a child together then often one of them takes a back seat on the career front to raise the child. That person is you.

As you're not together then you need to make your own decisions. You could take the higher paying job and then hire a nanny or insist that your child spends 2 or 3 nights a week with your ex and you share the cost of a nanny.

@InterIgnis I know they are distinct that’s why I think it’s so terrible! And it should change.

@Mapletree1985 if I could chose I would want him to actually do his share of parenting. But the chances of that are almost non existent.

Could have, would have, should have.

Do you actually have it in writing that you were offered this job that’s 30k more than you are currently earning (and would allow you to leapfrog an NHS consultant’s salary?)

Theres no guarantee you would have been able to hack the better paid job and there’s nothing to say you would have progressed further.

If you’re earning less than 30k less than an NHS consultant AND receiving £1200pm to pay for your child AND presumably receiving child benefit then you’re hardly a pauper.

@Rachie1973 it is a fact though. He works longer hours because I am doing his share of parenting.

It was your choice to have a child with him without being married to him.

It is was your choice your choice to decide against the promotion because it meant increased hours in childcare for your child.

You are responsible for your own decisions.

@TunafishSandwich i never said I was a pauper! I actually specifically said in my OP that isn’t not about struggling. It’s the morality of the situation

@InterIgnis I won’t be forced into marriage to have the rights men have anyway.

I would have taken the job and got the nanny. It’s your choice not to, he already pays more than he should ( which I agree totally with, I dont see how CMS allows so little to. be paid) but unless you take him to court to get time agreed, and he then has to find childcare if he needs to work when it’s his time nothing is going to change

There is no should here. If he is paying the amount he is legally obliged to there's no more you can do. Looks like he's paying more than the statutory amount required. If you're divorced he has no obligation to contribute to your pension scheme.

I agree. However I do see your difficulties. In a couple of years you will probably feel more comfortable to apply for other jobs and progress.

You must talk to ex and insist he has his son or daughter overnight sometimes, that should be possible for a consultant, he's not on 24 hour call any more.

(You say, "He does see them .....". I thought it was just one child, presumably him or her.)

I don't know. I can see where you're coming from and agree that he should contribute fairly and be an equal parent to your child.

On the other hand, you're quite fortunate compared to others. My ex pays less than £500 a month for our two children and sees them for around 4 hours a week. I do everything for them and pay for everything for them.

I've managed to progress my career since we separated by working full time and putting DC into full time childcare. So that part is on you I think.

Is £900 right? He’s not working every weekend unless it’s NHS overtime or private work.

@Sssettt you want the situation to change.
It is there for you to make the change.
Go for the big job, get the nanny.
You will regret it otherwise.

The idea of asking for more money is not the solution as you will still be upset about your career stalling.

So go make the change.⁹

You want more money for purported child maintenance but you plan is to put in your pension.

👋there, Ma.