AIBU to skip old friend’s wedding after evening-only invitation?

[CovenOfCheeses]

I have a friend from UNI, who I have been a best friend to. I supported her during her divorce and throughout her life in both an emotional and financial manner. Over the last few years I have not met up with her as much as my eldest daughter died traumatically and my youngest son went off the rails and I have to deal with both these issues while holding down a job as a single parent to three children. She is footloose and fancy free and does not have any dependents. She contracts and then goes on holiday for 6 months of the year. She owns a 5 bedroom house outright after her divorce and rents rooms which mostly pays her way. I have struggled financially and do not have much disposable income, time or energy to go out all the time. We no longer go out together as much as we did when we were younger.

She has met a younger man and they are getting married in the summer. I cannot afford to go to her hen do (which may be cancelled anyway due to the ongoing issues in the Middle East) but told her that I cannot do an expensive hen do.

Anyway, I got an invite to her Wedding for all my kids and myself but just to the evening do and not for the wedding breakfast. The wedding is in a country house in the middle of nowhere as is the Church. This would mean that we would have to go to the Church where my youngest daughter has been chosen to be a bridesmaid (with a cost of £100+ as a contribution for her dress and flowers) then hang around for 3-4 hours while other people have their wedding breakfast then head to the evening disco. we would have to spend to go to the nearest town by ordering a taxi in advance as service is very poor in the area. We also have to pay to stay nearby as the hotel is booked up with guests and is expensive anyway. We are just invited to a disco at the hotel where there is a paying bar. The food and drinks for the breakfast are being paid for and most people will be drunk when we arrive.

I would not mind if this was a cost thing to them, but people that she has just met who are his friends are being invited to the breakfast as well as his extended family and friend network. I just found this out from people who are on her Facebook who have also not been invited to the breakfast. She seems to have totally gone with his friends and family and seems to be excluding all her former friends. Only her parents and their new respective partners are invited to the breakfast as well as her “new” friends.

Do you think I should avoid her wedding altogether?

Would you enjoy the party just as a party?

Yeah avoid it because there are so many judgy undertones there, you'd be taking the piss if you and your family turned up to celebrate her happy day/evening.

She's a c**t.

I'd stay home with all my family. Who the fuck charges for a child to be a bridesmaid!

YANBU. It’s weird of her to invite your DD to be bridesmaid, charge you for the dress, then not invite you to the whole thing.

Your daughter is her bridesmaid, you’re expected to pay towards this, and you’re not even invited to the daytime?

No, none of my family would be going.

Agree with this. Odd. Entitled even. Gracefully decline, wish them well & quietly back away.

She doesn’t want to feed a member of the bridal party? How rude.

I’ve had 2 very close friends only send evening invites, but then all of the grooms friends were invited to the full thing. Neither are friends anymore.

I agree, she’s okay to have your DD as a pretty prop (that you pay for!) but not invite you to the wedding - how does that even work logistically?

I was going to say YABU until I read that your daughter is a bridesmaid! A bridesmaid who has to pay for herself and isn’t even invited to the meal. Unbelievable that the bride to be thinks this is ok, if I was you I’d swerve the whole thing!

I think decline entirely, it's not appropriate for you to be evening only if your DD needs transport to attend as a bridesmaid.

Your dd is a bridesmaid but the rest of you not going to actual wedding?
Bizarre.

I think I’d decline the whole thing including dd bridesmaid duty. Are they expecting her to walk down the aisle stay for some photo and then disappear while they eat? All in a dress you’ve had to pay for?

I can’t believe you even have to ask.

I hope you don’t have other friends who treat you so abominably like this.

A polite decline and really don’t be in contact with her again.

I am normally of the opinion that the couple can invite whoever they like to whatever part of the day they like (unlike many on Mumsnet, I actually don’t mind an evening only invitation 😂).

HOWEVER…in your case, I’d be really upset! Your daughter is a bridesmaid…what on earth is the bride thinking??? You don’t ask a child to be a bridesmaid (and make them pay for the privilege!!) then ditch them once the ceremony and photos are done! That’s incredibly rude, and I’d tell her so!

What is she expecting you and your children to do for 3 or 4 house between the church and the evening do??

This is so crass!

She wants your daughter to be a bridesmaid and she's also not invited your daughter to the breakfast but you're not invited to the wedding?

How old is your youngest?

I'd pass on the whole thing. You do sound like you're judging her but even if that weren't the case, you and your family are left out of everything and it sounds unaffordable and not even a good time with all the waiting around with your other kids.

It sounds like you've devolved to acquaintances rather than friends.

Wow what a cheeky fucker she is! I wouldn’t be going. I’d message asap to say regretfully I decline as it’s just not feasible for me to attend this, on various levels. No further explanation. Then I’d say something vague like have a lovely day and best wishes for your life together. People like this just aren’t worth it.

Just tell her that you’re not going all that way and paying for your DD’s dress considering you are only attending the evening part. I’ve never heard of a bridesmaid not attending the dinner, really odd

Where does she expect her bridesmaid's chauffeur to hang out for hours in the middle of fucking nowhere in the summertime with 2 kids? In your car?

This sounds crazy and downright mean and possibly dangerous if there's a storm or heat wave.

Ask her that. Then say no. Don't do any of it. No bridesmaid, nothing. She's not even willing to feed your daughter, much less you. Fuck her.

I would like to know why 9% of posters who voted think it is reasonable for the daughter to be a bridesmaid when the mother has to pay for her outfit and not even be invited.

What is wrong with them?

@CovenOfCheeses just decline politely and back away from this "friendship"

The question is whether I want to destroy a friendship that is over 30 years old and started when we were 18 and covered many milestones or do I consider the friendship has naturally run its course?

Your not close any more op. This woman is taking the piss.

I think she has answered that question for you.

There’s a lot f middle ground between destroying a friendship and not doing exactly what someone wants.

I wonder if the grooms parents are paying and that’s why his side is getting prioritised.

Yep. This is one sided and I am feeling nostalgic as I have lost many friends over the years. But I now realise that I am holding onto something that does not exist.

But a friend wouldn't treat you like this. You're deliberately excluded. She expects you to hang out in the middle of nowhere until it's time to drive your daughter somewhere with zero concern for you or your kids. You can't even get a meal out of this and you have to spend a lot of money you don't really have. She's treating you like a low level gofer and driver and you are supposed to pay for the privilege.

The friendship is done. She's moved on and made it pretty clear where you stand now. Your daughter shouldn't be a part of this.