AIBU to skip old friend’s wedding after evening-only invitation?

[CovenOfCheeses]

I have a friend from UNI, who I have been a best friend to. I supported her during her divorce and throughout her life in both an emotional and financial manner. Over the last few years I have not met up with her as much as my eldest daughter died traumatically and my youngest son went off the rails and I have to deal with both these issues while holding down a job as a single parent to three children. She is footloose and fancy free and does not have any dependents. She contracts and then goes on holiday for 6 months of the year. She owns a 5 bedroom house outright after her divorce and rents rooms which mostly pays her way. I have struggled financially and do not have much disposable income, time or energy to go out all the time. We no longer go out together as much as we did when we were younger.

She has met a younger man and they are getting married in the summer. I cannot afford to go to her hen do (which may be cancelled anyway due to the ongoing issues in the Middle East) but told her that I cannot do an expensive hen do.

Anyway, I got an invite to her Wedding for all my kids and myself but just to the evening do and not for the wedding breakfast. The wedding is in a country house in the middle of nowhere as is the Church. This would mean that we would have to go to the Church where my youngest daughter has been chosen to be a bridesmaid (with a cost of £100+ as a contribution for her dress and flowers) then hang around for 3-4 hours while other people have their wedding breakfast then head to the evening disco. we would have to spend to go to the nearest town by ordering a taxi in advance as service is very poor in the area. We also have to pay to stay nearby as the hotel is booked up with guests and is expensive anyway. We are just invited to a disco at the hotel where there is a paying bar. The food and drinks for the breakfast are being paid for and most people will be drunk when we arrive.

I would not mind if this was a cost thing to them, but people that she has just met who are his friends are being invited to the breakfast as well as his extended family and friend network. I just found this out from people who are on her Facebook who have also not been invited to the breakfast. She seems to have totally gone with his friends and family and seems to be excluding all her former friends. Only her parents and their new respective partners are invited to the breakfast as well as her “new” friends.

Do you think I should avoid her wedding altogether?

Whaaaaaat?! Have you read the OPs post properly? I don’t get where you have got that from.

There’s being selfish centred and entitled, but she is on another level.

She’s taking people for mugs.

I'm unsure why you think their tone is judgemental. She gave a back story abd some personal history. The financial part of the story was mentioned to reflect on their own financial support for their friend.
I see no judgement here only confusion with an added frustration from the lack of including due to the historical friendship that seems to have continued throughout their lives.

This.

Assuming this is a 3-part event (wedding, reception, night do) its unusual for guests just to be invited to parts 1 and 3!!! I'd check this out with her

💯 this. Judgment and envy are an unattractive combination and if you can't join her happiness and celebrations, don't 'celebrate' with her.

But even if you were happy for her and wanted to go, YANBU to not go given cost etc

I don’t know about anyone else. The groom is in his late 30s? His two sisters (teen-20’s?) are the other bridesmaids and his step sister (12ish) will be a flower girl. I doubt whether they are going to sit out the wedding breakfast but I don’t know but doubt it.

i don’t own a car so will have to hire one as I am told that cabs are very rare in that part of the world and it needs to be pre booked for a specific time.

I think my daughter has been invited as a concession to our friendship as it has been a long one and the bride gets on with my daughter. But they have not given any consideration to the logistics. I know we have definitely not been invited to the wedding breakfast but am a bit livid and don’t even want to call her to clarify whether my daughter has been invited. My daughter is very outgoing but she will be stuck on a table with strangers for several hours if that is the case.

In the UK we have a ceremony, then a wedding breakfast (the meal after the ceremony), then a reception which is usually drinks and dancing. It is called a breakfast but really it is the meal after the ceremony.

It is not a controlling relationship. She is very much more dominant in terms of personality and finance.

I know we have definitely not been invited to the wedding breakfast but am a bit livid and don’t even want to call her to clarify whether my daughter has been invited

OP, this is bit that bothers me: are you absolutely sure you've been invited to the wedding and the night do, but not bit in the middle (the reception)? Does your invitation make this really clear? And why is there confusion about your daughter, what has led to this? Because it would be very odd for a bridesmaid not to attend the whole event?

It’s definitely a no from me, especially if it’s a financial strain. If you want to salvage the friendship send a thoughtful present, since you’ve saved £££ by not going. What I don’t know is what message I would say- the truth is this is a whole bloody expensive palaver trying to find somewhere to stay then getting out of your way after the wedding until we’re allowed back when many of your guests are drunk. No way is my 15 yo going to an adult event with free alcohol without me there so while it’s very frustratingly unclear and so bloody rude that we don’t even know if she’s invited, she’s not going, so she gets mucked around too with trying to find somewhere to go in this transport black hole you’ve booked your wedding.

if a wedding is inconvenient to get to it’s the height of rudeness to have evening guests only who’d also be at the ceremony then need to work out how they fuck off for a few hours like the bride and groom want them to.

if a wedding is inconvenient to get to it’s the height of rudeness to have evening guests only who’d also be at the ceremony then need to work out how they fuck off for a few hours like the bride and groom want them to.

Exactly - it seems such a strange thing to do, and as the OP isn't sure, then I'm beginning to wonder too

Wild that she wants your dd as bridesmaid but possibly not at the reception and you neither? So you have no car, presumably she is aware of this and you'd have to hire a car to get your dd there, then what? Take her away for several hours until the evening do? Madness. I'd say not to the whole lot.

Re bridesmaid dresses, I see a lot of posts re having to pay for them yourself, so I don't think that's too crazy.

I think that’s the best approach @Mumtobabyhavoc. It’s going to be a big expensive hassle, especially as @CovenOfCheeses has to hire a car, can’t stay at the wedding hotel, etc.

I think if you want to hold on to the friendship you could say you'll make it to the evening do only and your dd can't be a bridesmaid in the morning. Then you can travel up on the day in the morning and only have to stay one night rather than staying the night before the wedding as well.

She wants to use your daughter as a prop for her wedding photographs.

This.

Plus you resent her so it doesnt sound as though you would enjoy it anyway.

Have you already paid for the bridesmaid dress? If so why didn't you tell her you cant afford it?

It's quite cheeky of them to ask your DD to be a bridesmaid and ask you to hang about till the evening. I'd decline the whole invitation.

That's so weird - usually bridesmaids are part of the wedding party. And if you're close enough that she's asking your daughter to be bridesmaid, I'd expect to be included in the whole day.

Is it possible she's made a mistake with the invitations? Have you spoken to her? I think I would call her and ask a few questions. If she really does expect you to be there at the church and the evening do, but not at the meal, I think I would say, "that's not going to work for us. Have a lovely day, but we won't now be able to attend."

Is it possible she's made a mistake with the invitations? Have you spoken to her? I think I would call her and ask a few questions. If she really does expect you to be there at the church and the evening do, but not at the meal, I think I would say, "that's not going to work for us. Have a lovely day, but we won't now be able to attend."

This. Because if she HAS made a mistake with the invitations, and/or just not thought it through, a lot of other people could be declining too, and in her position, I'd rather know why?

My BIL and his wife did for our 2 DD and wanted us to take them on a 3 hour round trip the day before to get their hair done by her DB who is a hairdresser. No doubt she would have expected us to pair for that too. Not a chance. The groomsmen had to pay for their own suit hire too. Or buy the suit outright for £300. All bonkers.

OP, send her an email or a text. "[Friend's name}, I've been thinking about some logistics regarding your wedding for a little while. It was lovely for you to ask [daughter's name] to be a bridesmaid, and I know it's a nod towards us being such good friends for so long. However, you know we are a bit financially constrained right now. The cost of the bridesmaid's dress, getting to the venue, accommodation, and taxis to and from the venue into town while the wedding breakfast is on is just beyond our means at the moment. It goes without saying that I hope you have a fab day and wish you and [fiancé] the very best of luck. I would love to meet up after the honeymoon and hear all about how it went. I hope I haven't let you down, and I know [daughter] will be annoyed with me but I have to be responsible and this is just one of those financial decisions I have to make. Best of luck x"

If she reacts badly, well that's not the sort of friend you want to keep in your or your daughter's life. Hopefully she's just say that she completely understands and looks forward to the catch up. Though I'd be wary about staying too close given the non-invite to the wedding breakfast. And if this is all a mistake, it'll be very obvious from your text and she will write back to ask why would you be taking a taxi to and from town while the wedding breakfast is on, so you'll have your answer to that too.

It's okay for you both to move on from a friendship that served you both at a certain time in your lives but only serves one of you now. It is natural when you are a single mum that you will lose touch with people you were once close to but as your kids get older you will have more time to dedicate to friends. And the good ones will pick up where you left off. If you stay friends with this one, there may be a time in the future where the friendship serves both of you again, and you can pick it up then.

I'd just ask if you and your daughter were definitely not invited to the reception, and if not, it makes the logistics really awkward. The finances are a separate issue

Yeh. Talk about dipping in and out and picking you up then putting you down again. She wants your child as a bridesmaid but you’re not invited to the reception? She can fuck right off. Cheeky bastard.

Wedding breakfast doesn't refer to the time of day it is when you break your fast, the first meal after you are married (harks back to when a wedding ceremony was a full mass)

To me a flower girl was always a very small child who wasn't capable of taking part in the whole ceremony so a bridesmaid would be a school aged child or adult would follow the bride down the aisle etc etc but a flower girl wold be pre school age and would be with their parents during the main part of the ceremony but maybe scatter flower petals as the couple leave the church and have photos taken.

Bridesmaids dresses should always be paid for by the bride.

She has just destroyed the friendship, this isn't a choice you have to make. Back yourself.

So rude.
Not a chance we would be going and that includes my daughter.
What a rude CF she is.
No friendship to save.