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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to skip old friend’s wedding after evening-only invitation?

226 replies

CovenOfCheeses · 15/03/2026 13:13

I have a friend from UNI, who I have been a best friend to. I supported her during her divorce and throughout her life in both an emotional and financial manner. Over the last few years I have not met up with her as much as my eldest daughter died traumatically and my youngest son went off the rails and I have to deal with both these issues while holding down a job as a single parent to three children. She is footloose and fancy free and does not have any dependents. She contracts and then goes on holiday for 6 months of the year. She owns a 5 bedroom house outright after her divorce and rents rooms which mostly pays her way. I have struggled financially and do not have much disposable income, time or energy to go out all the time. We no longer go out together as much as we did when we were younger.

She has met a younger man and they are getting married in the summer. I cannot afford to go to her hen do (which may be cancelled anyway due to the ongoing issues in the Middle East) but told her that I cannot do an expensive hen do.

Anyway, I got an invite to her Wedding for all my kids and myself but just to the evening do and not for the wedding breakfast. The wedding is in a country house in the middle of nowhere as is the Church. This would mean that we would have to go to the Church where my youngest daughter has been chosen to be a bridesmaid (with a cost of £100+ as a contribution for her dress and flowers) then hang around for 3-4 hours while other people have their wedding breakfast then head to the evening disco. we would have to spend to go to the nearest town by ordering a taxi in advance as service is very poor in the area. We also have to pay to stay nearby as the hotel is booked up with guests and is expensive anyway. We are just invited to a disco at the hotel where there is a paying bar. The food and drinks for the breakfast are being paid for and most people will be drunk when we arrive.

I would not mind if this was a cost thing to them, but people that she has just met who are his friends are being invited to the breakfast as well as his extended family and friend network. I just found this out from people who are on her Facebook who have also not been invited to the breakfast. She seems to have totally gone with his friends and family and seems to be excluding all her former friends. Only her parents and their new respective partners are invited to the breakfast as well as her “new” friends.

Do you think I should avoid her wedding altogether?

OP posts:
Mosaic123 · 15/03/2026 18:48

This is an interesting lesson for your DD.

Prepare carefully when you tell her. She's bound to be disappointed.

If she doesn't quite get it would you allow her to phone your friend? Ask her what you should all do for a few hours in the middle of nowhere and explain that the bridesmaid stuff is too expensive.

It's a little bit of revenge.... But maybe I'm Being Mean?

Simplelobsterhat · 15/03/2026 18:48

Usually I'm the one defending evening only invites. However, in this case, it is bizarre not to include a bridesmaid (and, as she is a child, her immediate family) for the whole day, especially if she is paying to be a bridesmaid.
I would message saying you hadn't realised you weren't invited to the whole day when you agreed to dd being bridesmaid, so unfortunately she now won't be able to be as it's obviously not practical. And decline the invitation altogether. If it was local and you could drive, I might say go to the evening if you think you'd enjoy it, but it sounds like it's not.
A bit of me hopes pointing out a bridesmaid hasn't been invited all day will lead to the discovery of a miscommunication, as it seems to bizarre, but I'm probably being optimistic!

Meladram · 15/03/2026 18:51

Nooo, user alert, she's having your daughter as bridesmaid but not at the meal?
Even if she was struggling financially I'd find that odd, but she could afford to have you there but chooses not to? Why?

outerspacepotato · 15/03/2026 20:20

Tacohill · 15/03/2026 18:47

I personally would drive to the wedding but then leave afterwards.

That way your DD gets to be bridesmaid, you get to see your friend getting married but you don’t need to wait around or have the additional expense.

But her daughter has to leave after 💒 ng photos are done. The daughter is in the wedding and that's it. No food, nothing. A bridesmaid is being excluded from everything but the actual ceremony and photos. They're too cheap to pay for a bridesmaid's meal.

And OP is not invited to the ceremony. How's she supposed to see, sneak in with her kids?

OP will still have to wait around, with her other kids, in the middle of nowhere. Since there's nothing around, I guess they'll be sitting in a car. Let the good times roll!

She shouldn't reward that disrespect and awfulness by any participation by her daughter or herself.

PollyBell · 15/03/2026 20:25

I hate this multi event wedding thing but daughter is bridesmaid but no invite to it all yeah not happening i would say at all

I am all for wedding party doing what they want but this is just weird

MeganM3 · 15/03/2026 20:27

I usually much prefer an evening only invite so I wouldn’t be offended by that, but it’s VERY strange DD has been asked to be bridesmaid but not invited to the main wedding bit?
Given it requires a lot of organisation and cost I’d decline entirely if you’re ok with losing the friendship. Or ask her outright whether she expects you to travel between locations, source your own meal and also pay for the bridesmaid stuff. Perhaps she hasn’t really considered the actual logistics of this for people.

BruFord · 15/03/2026 20:34

saraclara · 15/03/2026 18:30

Is your daughter definitely not expected at the wedding breakfast? Because that's bizarre. How about the rest of the bridesmaids?

I have the same question as @saraclara. Are the bridesmaids not even invited to the wedding breakfast? That’s really odd if that’s the case, they’re part of the wedding party!

Edited to say that I think you should ask her directly whether the bridesmaids are attending the wedding breakfast. Say that you’re sorting out the logistics for your family.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/03/2026 21:08

I wouldn’t go to this.

JLou08 · 15/03/2026 21:19

I'd wonder it was a controlling relationship if its all his family and friends at the breakfast. It's unlikely to be her not seeing you as a close enough friend if your DD is bridesmaid.

FussyFancyDragon · 15/03/2026 21:24

I’ve never heard of a bridesmaid not being invited to the whole day

SpiritAdder · 15/03/2026 21:27

She seems to have totally gone with his friends and family and seems to be excluding all her former friends.

What makes you think she had any say in the invitations? Wedding breakfast is one of the things usually paid for by the groom’s family and his mother will have likely decided the invites.

If she did have say, maybe she was trying to save you a long, tiring day with small children. Do you think your kids would want to be at both plus a service? For mine it would be too much. You have a break of 3-4hrs, don’t hang about the church.

SpiritAdder · 15/03/2026 21:29

BruFord · 15/03/2026 20:34

I have the same question as @saraclara. Are the bridesmaids not even invited to the wedding breakfast? That’s really odd if that’s the case, they’re part of the wedding party!

Edited to say that I think you should ask her directly whether the bridesmaids are attending the wedding breakfast. Say that you’re sorting out the logistics for your family.

Edited
Show quote history

Child bridesmaids like OP’s youngest are really flower girls and no they aren’t usually invited to the wedding breakfast as that is an adult event.

SpiritAdder · 15/03/2026 21:31

Sorry, just realising I don’t know how old anyone is? Is the DD a child or an adult?

OneNewEagle · 15/03/2026 21:31

Drive to the ceremony. Your DD gets to be bridesmaid. Have a glass of orange juice take some photos all enjoy yourselves. Then drive home. Make the most of the special day, I’d pack a posh picnic and stop on the way home in all of your fancy clothes and enjoy that so your own wedding breakfast. Makes it a fun day for all of you.

btw incredibly rude for your daughter to not be invited to the whole day ivd never heard of that for a bridesmaid and you should not be paying for the bridesmaid dress either.

OneNewEagle · 15/03/2026 21:32

SpiritAdder · 15/03/2026 21:31

Sorry, just realising I don’t know how old anyone is? Is the DD a child or an adult?

Op said her dd is 15.

OneNewEagle · 15/03/2026 21:32

SpiritAdder · 15/03/2026 21:29

Child bridesmaids like OP’s youngest are really flower girls and no they aren’t usually invited to the wedding breakfast as that is an adult event.

Show quote history

At 15?

pepperminticecream · 15/03/2026 21:35

You need to message your friend and act confused “Hi Friend, confused about the wedding invite as it says we aren’t included in the wedding breakfast? I assume this is an oversight since DD is a bridesmaid?”

Then if she responds that the invite is correct you can let her know that the logistics won’t work and thus you all won’t be attending.

SpiritAdder · 15/03/2026 21:37

Ok 15 is still a child, so not a bridesmaid so much as a flower girl. Bridesmaids are meant to be adult women of marriageable age….15 clearly is not.

SpiritAdder · 15/03/2026 21:38

Good point on the dress and flowers from a poster- you should not be paying for any of that.

Sparrow7 · 15/03/2026 21:42

I would message her: sorry can you clarify, you want my daughter to be a bridesmaid but we are all only invited to the evening do? How exactly would this work?

godmum56 · 15/03/2026 21:42

CovenOfCheeses · 15/03/2026 16:21

The question is whether I want to destroy a friendship that is over 30 years old and started when we were 18 and covered many milestones or do I consider the friendship has naturally run its course?

no friend would do this.

GlobalTravellerbutespeciallyBognor · 15/03/2026 21:48

If your DD doesn’t know or realise she is meant to be a bridesmaid, I’d drop the whole thing citing logistics.

If she does know, it’s a lot harder. Perhaps ask who has been allocated or employed to look after her and other little ones who don’t have parents there during the wedding breakfast.

overall though, it’s fundamentally rude and mean spirited.

jackdunnock · 15/03/2026 21:48

The whole thing sounds rather odd. Why has she picked your DD to be a bridesmaid/flower girl? Sounds like she barely knows her?

If I went to any of the wedding I'd just go to the church ceremony and then leave. The op isn't clear, but it sounds like they've all been invited to the church, not just DD? However, as you've mentioned taxis does that mean you don't drive? In which case I would probably sack off the whole thing.

Happyjoe · 15/03/2026 21:51

Sounds like it's run it's course and it doesn't sound like she's been there for you the way you were for her when things got tough, and am sorry. Sorry to hear about your eldest and then your son, I hope your son is doing better now.

To invite her old friend for the whole day should've been a given and charging the bridesmaid for a dress, wow. Never heard that before, but it does show lack of thought for you, or the history you share. Up to you if you go, but I guess you just have to ask yourself what is she bringing to your life now?

Ps - my brother did very similar to me, I didn't go to the wedding.

BruFord · 15/03/2026 21:53

@SpiritAdder I don’t know the etiquette re. wedding breakfast tbh, but at 15, I’d assume that her DD would be invited, she’s not a small child who needs to be kept an eye on.

I was a bridesmaid at 10 and was at the top table for an afternoon reception; I was then MOH as an adult and did the same.

@CovenOfCheeses I tend to agree with recent posters, decline the invitation, it’s going to be expensive and a logistical pain.