AIBU to skip old friend’s wedding after evening-only invitation?

[CovenOfCheeses]

I have a friend from UNI, who I have been a best friend to. I supported her during her divorce and throughout her life in both an emotional and financial manner. Over the last few years I have not met up with her as much as my eldest daughter died traumatically and my youngest son went off the rails and I have to deal with both these issues while holding down a job as a single parent to three children. She is footloose and fancy free and does not have any dependents. She contracts and then goes on holiday for 6 months of the year. She owns a 5 bedroom house outright after her divorce and rents rooms which mostly pays her way. I have struggled financially and do not have much disposable income, time or energy to go out all the time. We no longer go out together as much as we did when we were younger.

She has met a younger man and they are getting married in the summer. I cannot afford to go to her hen do (which may be cancelled anyway due to the ongoing issues in the Middle East) but told her that I cannot do an expensive hen do.

Anyway, I got an invite to her Wedding for all my kids and myself but just to the evening do and not for the wedding breakfast. The wedding is in a country house in the middle of nowhere as is the Church. This would mean that we would have to go to the Church where my youngest daughter has been chosen to be a bridesmaid (with a cost of £100+ as a contribution for her dress and flowers) then hang around for 3-4 hours while other people have their wedding breakfast then head to the evening disco. we would have to spend to go to the nearest town by ordering a taxi in advance as service is very poor in the area. We also have to pay to stay nearby as the hotel is booked up with guests and is expensive anyway. We are just invited to a disco at the hotel where there is a paying bar. The food and drinks for the breakfast are being paid for and most people will be drunk when we arrive.

I would not mind if this was a cost thing to them, but people that she has just met who are his friends are being invited to the breakfast as well as his extended family and friend network. I just found this out from people who are on her Facebook who have also not been invited to the breakfast. She seems to have totally gone with his friends and family and seems to be excluding all her former friends. Only her parents and their new respective partners are invited to the breakfast as well as her “new” friends.

Do you think I should avoid her wedding altogether?

Nailed it.

@CovenOfCheeses Do not go. She is a cheeky fecker - expecting money for the little girl to be bridesmaid?! LOL!!! All sounds like too much effort, and what a cheek not inviting you to the actual WEDDING when your daughter is going. Unbelievable!

Decline! Also, withdraw your daughter being a bridesmaid.

Your daughter is a bridesmaid but you’re not invited to the wedding?

What? Unless your daughter is an older teen or adult and friends with them separately, how extremely insulting, of course you shouldn’t go!

Tell me you are not considering letting YOUR child be a bridesmaid for this wedding? If she has so little respect for you then sure as shit dont let your daughter even know she was asked to be there let alone as BM. You do not let other people to disrespect you in front of your kids no matter who they are.

Respond a blanket NO for all of your family and let your ex friend enjoy her day.

This, and I’m usually fine with an evening only invitation! Wtf is this weirdness?!

My (at the time) 4 year old daughter was flower girl at my friend’s wedding.

We all went to the ceremony, in a church, so anyone could attend that part, then on to the reception and party.

It would have been been very odd if DD hadn’t been part of the whole day.

I’ve never heard of the wedding breakfast being an adult only event unless the entire wedding is childfree.

Generally everyone invited to the ceremony would be invited to the wedding breakfast, so I’d certainly expect a bridesmaid of whatever age to be included.

Don't you think it's rude to ask OPs daughter to be a bridesmaid, expect her to pay 100s of pounds for the privilege and not even invite her to the wedding breakfast? But expect her hang around for abl couple of hours after the church ceremony before going back to the night reception?
OP I wouldn't go. An invitation isn't a summons you are being perfectly reasonable to say no thank you

Tell her the truth about how you feel .I've never heard of bridesmaids not being invited to the wedding breakfast ever.

@BruFord
The etiquette is that bridesmaids are adult women of marriageable age.
Your experience is obviously not traditional, which is fine, many weddings are not traditional.

The wedding sounded very traditional & expensive to me- wedding breakfast that has almost exclusively invited grooms side and the destination hen do outside Europe…reception plus disco late into the night.

I think the friend did what she could by making OP’s DD a flower girl. There will be many guests that don’t have anyone in the actual wedding party. I wouldn’t skip it myself.

So sorry to read you lost your daughter💔

I have never heard that. Every wedding I have been to child bridesmaids have been invited to the wedding breakfast it's very odd not to invite them.
And OPs daughter isn't a small child anyway she is 15.
The bride is using her and also has expecting her to pay,

I have never heard of a wedding breakfast that included everyone invited to the ceremony! That is way too many people. The wedding breakfast is meant to be a more intimate, smaller event even than the reception afterwards. It is commonly the grooms side that puts it on and it is for the bride and her immediate family to meet the grooms family and friends prior to the service.
And yes, usually no children.

I don't understand at all why you would be asked to pay towards your DD's dress and flowers (assuming you are in the UK) nor why she isn't invited to the wedding breakfast? This is a very strange way to treat a bridesmaid.

I think evening only invites are fine and I'm not insulted to get one. However, I've never received one as a sign that a friendship is on its way out.

I don't know where you are from or what type of weddings you have been to.
But in every wedding I have been to everyone who has attended the ceremony has gone to the wedding breakfast which takes place immediately after the ceremony not before and it's not usually a small intimate affair.

Don’t know where you’re getting your tradition from, but even the Royal Family have had child bridesmaids for decades. It’s hardly unusual or a breach of some weird etiquette,

Yes, the OP should not be paying that £100 contribution towards dress abd flowers for her DD.

And I guess it depends on how traditional the wedding is whether you have child bridesmaids or children at the wedding breakfast. I would go to the wedding, I wouldn’t try and read the tea leaves of where you stand compared to other wedding guests to discern if a friendship of 30yrs is over. Surely a friendship that long deserves a face to face, in person visit before deciding it’s over and cutting them off?

Yes, same.

I’ve never heard of a pre-ceremony wedding breakfast. Traditionally the bride doesn’t see the groom until the actual ceremony on the day of the wedding.

Are you in the US? In the UK we use Wedding Breakfast to mean the meal after the marriage ceremony. It is part of the Reception. I think you are talking about a Rehearsal Dinner, which we don't normally have.

My daughter (15) really likes Aunty X because she is fun, trendy and smokes, drinks and swears like a trooper, talks openly about her sex life

Personally I would not consider this person to be an appropriate influence on my teenage daughter…

The past few decades doesn’t define tradition. Tradition is older than that.

Yes I’m in the US.

Then your wedding traditions are very different to the ones we have in the UK.

Wow, so strange, so you guys don’t have yours before the ceremony.

Apparently! Sorry for causing confusion. She’s not marrying an American is she?
😅

I agree with this. It's worrying that your daughter thinks she is 'fun' and 'trendy' because she smokes and drinks and swears and talks about shagging. I would want my 15 year old daughter as far away from this person as possible.

There is nothing 'trendy' about smoking. 🙄

Still @CovenOfCheeses You should still not go to this wedding, and don't let your daughter go.