AIBU to skip old friend’s wedding after evening-only invitation?

[CovenOfCheeses]

I have a friend from UNI, who I have been a best friend to. I supported her during her divorce and throughout her life in both an emotional and financial manner. Over the last few years I have not met up with her as much as my eldest daughter died traumatically and my youngest son went off the rails and I have to deal with both these issues while holding down a job as a single parent to three children. She is footloose and fancy free and does not have any dependents. She contracts and then goes on holiday for 6 months of the year. She owns a 5 bedroom house outright after her divorce and rents rooms which mostly pays her way. I have struggled financially and do not have much disposable income, time or energy to go out all the time. We no longer go out together as much as we did when we were younger.

She has met a younger man and they are getting married in the summer. I cannot afford to go to her hen do (which may be cancelled anyway due to the ongoing issues in the Middle East) but told her that I cannot do an expensive hen do.

Anyway, I got an invite to her Wedding for all my kids and myself but just to the evening do and not for the wedding breakfast. The wedding is in a country house in the middle of nowhere as is the Church. This would mean that we would have to go to the Church where my youngest daughter has been chosen to be a bridesmaid (with a cost of £100+ as a contribution for her dress and flowers) then hang around for 3-4 hours while other people have their wedding breakfast then head to the evening disco. we would have to spend to go to the nearest town by ordering a taxi in advance as service is very poor in the area. We also have to pay to stay nearby as the hotel is booked up with guests and is expensive anyway. We are just invited to a disco at the hotel where there is a paying bar. The food and drinks for the breakfast are being paid for and most people will be drunk when we arrive.

I would not mind if this was a cost thing to them, but people that she has just met who are his friends are being invited to the breakfast as well as his extended family and friend network. I just found this out from people who are on her Facebook who have also not been invited to the breakfast. She seems to have totally gone with his friends and family and seems to be excluding all her former friends. Only her parents and their new respective partners are invited to the breakfast as well as her “new” friends.

Do you think I should avoid her wedding altogether?

I googled (because the only AMQ wedding dress I could think of was Kate Middleton’s), and there are some reasonably priced ones (by wedding dress standards, obviously £4K is still a hell of a lot of money).

https://www.alexandermcqueen.com/en-gb/pr/jewelled-embroidery-evening-dress-814111701.html?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=free_shopping_listings_GB&utm_content=female%20amq_micro_women_evening_dresses&srsltid=AfmBOoqCURJM68UEtpA1fODcUD0PlUQn-f_97C8efvnVG9kO7foS9fP9ejY

Friend is still unbelievably rude though!

Well, obviously. but you can probably tell from the context that wasn’t the case in my family.

I married nearly 30 years ago, but my wedding dress was about £250, IIRC. In today's money, that would probably have been about £500. I think our wedding fees, reception for 100 people, car, flowers, string quartet and so on would have come to about £6,000 in today's money - so even a ready-to-wear AMQ dress would have been extravagant, in my opinion, if it was touch and go whether the OP (friend of 30 years) and her daughter would have been invited to the whole shebang or not for financial reasons.

I remember distinctly that 25 years ago my wedding dress was £550 which I thought was incredibly expensive. I reckon a dress like that today would cost around £1,200 ish

@Comefromaway I’ve just been wedding dress shopping. Virtually none are £1200! £1500 is a struggle. Double that quite normal. If you need alterations, add another £500. Veils can be £1000. Weddings are very expensive.

I told my daughter and was quite matter of fact about it, sanguine even as it was quite a schlep for all of us.

I quite like the McQueen dress and quite suitable for an elegant and stylish older lady.

My wedding dress cost £1.50!!

Mine cost about £20 45 years ago. My mum was a talented seamstress and made it.

Logically, it seems daft to spend a ridiculous amount of money on something you will only wear once.

Sounds like it’s an ‘insta’ wedding and network building. All focused on the aesthetic and building an empire, and not the values or meaning.

She sounds cold. To invite just one family member.

Don’t rule out the possibility of it being a controlling relationship. Women in coercive controlling relationships can be the most powerful and strong women you know. Or may be his MIL has certain things in mind.

However, not going to the wedding is exactly the right thing to do - it’s a clear boundary around how you are willing to be treated and what your worth is.

My wedding dress was also made by my mother. I had just finished University and I was living in a shared house so.my family had to stay in a cheap hotel that had candlestick bedspreads with cigarette burns on them as I did not have any room for them to stay. The reception was just mine and his parents as well as my sisters and an Uncle and his girlfriend who wanted to come to London. My youngest sister was a Goth and she had dyed her blond hair black and wore black clothes that contrasted well with my cream dress. We went to a Turkish restaurant nearby after the reception and my family ate foreign food for the first time. My father had never even eaten rice and once opened the window of their kitchen because of the smell when I cooked it at home for the first time. Then we all went to the pub to meet our friends and my Dad put some money behind the bar. I still remember the cheers as we walked through the door and all the people who came out to hug us. Many who have now passed away, live abroad or I have lost touch with.

The only thing I regret was we did not really have a photographer so all I have are quite poor photos taken by various friends and family.

Then my parents went to bed and we went to a nightclub. I can’t imagine it cost more than £400 all in, we had an argument as we, my Dad and Uncle all wanted to settle the restaurant bill. Maybe my Dad put £200 behind the bar which was quite a lot as we were all quite drunk.

I’m really sorry for the loss of your daughter. It’s heartbreaking. Your friend has thrown the friendship away and not you by her awful behaviour. It sounds like she has plenty of money but is being tight and thoughtless with you. I am glad you are not going, you would not have felt good x

I am genuinely sorry for how your friend has treated you and your children, she sounds like she’s all “gloss” with little substance, just a hollow shell.

I haven't read the whole thread. But just wanted to acknowledge your tragic loss. You are juggling so much, I would do whatever suits you and not worry about upsetting anyone else.
I understand not wanting to lose a friend. Do what works for you.
I wish you strength and hope the pain gets gentler.

Sorry, I wasn’t clear earlier. A PP said that the dinner is paid for by the groom’s family so they can
meet the bride’s family before the ceremony. I think this is a rehearsal dinner.

The wedding breakfast is after the ceremony.

Did your friend attend?

Yes she did but not to the sit down dinner. It was just very close family (sisters, parents and Uncle) :). We didn’t have any money at the time.

Candlewick not candlestick. Autocorrect.

@BlackbirdShoutingOn me and DHs side, we aren’t inviting any family members to DDs wedding. They don’t appear interested and just two sent a heart on the announcement of engagement message and no one else sent a card or said anything to me or my DD. So I’m not spending anything on them and I doubt if they would come anyway. Too much effort. Neither will they be missed. We are spending a lot of money because my DD snd her fiancé value their friends who do make a huge effort. It’s what it is. Families grow apart.

I meant one family member out of the OPs family. So just the daughter. I totally get not inviting family to weddings. I think it’s the couples choice. Here it’s the fact that the daughter is invited as a bridesmaid but without her immediate family.

Have to say, I wouldn’t be going to any of it. Firstly who charges someone to be a bridesmaid? Secondly, who invites the bridesmaid to the wedding and the evening but not the whole day? Very bizarre. I would politely decline the whole thing and go on holiday instead.

Maybe she’s just returning the evening only invite.

It’s a bit petty no? Years have passed and sound like the op really helped the bride to be and plus op has been through very hard times too. I think the scale of the weddings don’t compare either.

If (when?) this marriage doesnt work out I wonder how many of those contacts will be willing to step up and help her? Or will she, as I suspect, be on the phone to the OP expecting her to do it.

I agree. You cant really compare a tiny budget wedding with a full on extravaganza with Alexander McQueen dresses!

And that also blows apart the "we cant afford you all" argument, given what the whole shebang must be costing.

Extremely petty, but I have known people to do this.