AIBU to skip old friend’s wedding after evening-only invitation?

[CovenOfCheeses]

I have a friend from UNI, who I have been a best friend to. I supported her during her divorce and throughout her life in both an emotional and financial manner. Over the last few years I have not met up with her as much as my eldest daughter died traumatically and my youngest son went off the rails and I have to deal with both these issues while holding down a job as a single parent to three children. She is footloose and fancy free and does not have any dependents. She contracts and then goes on holiday for 6 months of the year. She owns a 5 bedroom house outright after her divorce and rents rooms which mostly pays her way. I have struggled financially and do not have much disposable income, time or energy to go out all the time. We no longer go out together as much as we did when we were younger.

She has met a younger man and they are getting married in the summer. I cannot afford to go to her hen do (which may be cancelled anyway due to the ongoing issues in the Middle East) but told her that I cannot do an expensive hen do.

Anyway, I got an invite to her Wedding for all my kids and myself but just to the evening do and not for the wedding breakfast. The wedding is in a country house in the middle of nowhere as is the Church. This would mean that we would have to go to the Church where my youngest daughter has been chosen to be a bridesmaid (with a cost of £100+ as a contribution for her dress and flowers) then hang around for 3-4 hours while other people have their wedding breakfast then head to the evening disco. we would have to spend to go to the nearest town by ordering a taxi in advance as service is very poor in the area. We also have to pay to stay nearby as the hotel is booked up with guests and is expensive anyway. We are just invited to a disco at the hotel where there is a paying bar. The food and drinks for the breakfast are being paid for and most people will be drunk when we arrive.

I would not mind if this was a cost thing to them, but people that she has just met who are his friends are being invited to the breakfast as well as his extended family and friend network. I just found this out from people who are on her Facebook who have also not been invited to the breakfast. She seems to have totally gone with his friends and family and seems to be excluding all her former friends. Only her parents and their new respective partners are invited to the breakfast as well as her “new” friends.

Do you think I should avoid her wedding altogether?

You do seem a little. Judgemental about her, her lifestyle etc,

I do find it odd though your child is a flower girl,but not invited to the wedding breakfast, have you accept her to do that? Are you wanting to tell her now she won’t be? As otherwise you need to be there anyway?

So is your DD, her bridesmaid, not invited to the wedding breakfast?

Seems a bit odd.

I wouldn't go, your daughter will be alone for ages if you're not involved in the daytime part of the wedding. What are you meant to do for hours all dressed up and nowhere to go? She should not be charging you for the dress either. Tell her you can't make the logistics work with an evening only invite.

Extremely odd that your daughter is a bridesmaid but you all aren't invited to the entire wedding.
I don't know why people do this. If you can't afford to have people at all parts of the celebration, you are planning a wedding you can't really afford.

She's the one who's destroying the friendship though.

Oh no.I pressed the wrong thing sorry, yanbu at all she just wants your daughter to be involved because it will look good for her, meh I would bow out

The thing about weddings is that the ceremony is about the couple but the party afterwards is about the guests. This couple haven’t considered how weird and inconvenient it will be for you having to ferry your daughter to and from the church while not being welcome to attend until the evening.

I think in this case it would be fine to graciously turn down the invite and say that, unfortunately, you don’t think you can make your daughter being a bridesmaid work. But do it now so they can make other plans. Then don’t give it another thought.

Basically - she’s got the idea of a Rolls Royce do on Fiat 500 money. It’s cost cutting. What does your dd think? Puts her in a difficult position I think.

I thought you was being U about the evening invite until I read the bridesmaid bit. That’s proper weird.

My daughter (15) really likes Aunty X because she is fun, trendy and smokes, drinks and swears like a trooper, talks openly about her sex life and had a new boyfriend every time she comes around. Usually much younger, more immature and pretentious without much intellect

She is cool whereas I am staid and boring. I don’t know how to tell my daughter that we are not going as she was looking forward to it. I will also have to tell her that Aunty X wants you to be bridesmaid but you have to leave after the photos. I hope my daughter reacts the right way or she may blame me for spoiling things as she usually does.

i don’t care about the friendship, it is telling my daughter that she is being used and I am trying to protect her that will be difficult.

Well, if your dd kicks off then send her to the wedding. But don’t you hang around. Let her hang around and truly learn what it’s like to be disposable.

@CovenOfCheeses Do you want your DD to admire that type of women? I’d have swerved her years ago. Not a great role model! Your DD won’t be happy will she! At least you won’t need to buy a present! You’ve bought the bridesmaid dress.

If her soon to be husband is younger, do you think she's avoiding asking her friends as they'll just highlight how old she actually is? I only say that as it seems none of her friends are invited to the meal. Sounds like you guys are pushing 50, how old is the new circle of friends?

Surely if part of the wedding ‘package’ your dd should be there all day

and bride should cover all costs of a bm

Well it obviously has run it's course.
I would thank her for the invitations, "unfortunately none of us are able to attend" , wish the couple well for the future and back away. If she wants to continue the friendship on a more sensible basis, she can contact you.

As a PP said, the bride can invite anyone they want to any part(s) of the wedding. And the invited guests can, very reasonably, accept or decline that invitation.

In your shoes I'd decline the invitation to the evening do and withdraw your DD from her bridesmaid role.

In terms of maintaining the friendship... if you want to try to keep the friendship, you could apologise and say that unfortunately the logistics don't work for you, buy her a nice present, and offer to celebrate with her and your DC on a different day. Or, if the friendship has run its course you can tell her how hurt you are, that you thought your friendship meant more than this and that you feel as if you have been dumped in favour of her newer/younger friends.

In terms of what you tell DD that rather depends on what you tell your friend but a 15yr old should be able to understand either that the logistics are impossible and not fair on her siblings to be hanging about for hours; or that you feel that you've been treated badly.

Who the hell asks for a contribution for bridesmaids dresses?! I’d say thanks for the invite, but no thanks.
also how can she be bridesmaid if she’s not there for the ceremony? Have I missed this info?

We had one like this. We went for the important bit, the church service, and then went home. We weren’t the only ones.

Is your daughter definitely not expected at the wedding breakfast? Because that's bizarre. How about the rest of the bridesmaids?

If you choose a long standing friends daughter to be bridesmaid, you invite their parents to the whole event. You also don’t ask bridesmaids to pay for their dresses. She’s being very rude.

Agree either with this. Usually I don’t get the histrionics and faux offence taken over evening only invites.

Personally I find weddings mind numbingly dull so an evening only invite is a win win for me ax that’s the good bit imo.

However in this case, the fact you dd is bridesmaid, has to pay for her own dress and you’re not even given the courtesy of an all day invite is appalling.

Id decline the whole thing. Unless your dd is desperate to be bridesmaid, I’d pull her out of that as well.

She sounds like an absolute dick head. I’d let this one go, op, and don’t look back.

I would decline.
I have nothing against evening only invitations as long as they actually are evening only and reasonably local. But to invite someone to the ceremony but not the wedding breakfast is very bad manners in my opinion and to have a bridesmaid who is not invited to the meal is downright bizarre. Initially I thought you were going to say your DD was 3 or 4 and they didn't want her running about at the meal,which would be bad enough, but to do that to a teenager is just odd. Are you sure that at least she isn't invited to the whole day?
Either way, I wouldn't go or take the other children but I'd probably be looking to see if there is a way for bridesmaid DD to still attend if she wants, especially if I'd already paid for the dress.

It sounds as though you don’t like this woman at all, so I don’t know why you’re bothered about potentially ruining a friendship.

You chose to have kids and she didn’t - it’s no wonder her life is so different to yours and I don’t understand the jealousy and resentment.

I personally would drive to the wedding but then leave afterwards.

That way your DD gets to be bridesmaid, you get to see your friend getting married but you don’t need to wait around or have the additional expense.