AIBU to skip old friend’s wedding after evening-only invitation?

[CovenOfCheeses]

I have a friend from UNI, who I have been a best friend to. I supported her during her divorce and throughout her life in both an emotional and financial manner. Over the last few years I have not met up with her as much as my eldest daughter died traumatically and my youngest son went off the rails and I have to deal with both these issues while holding down a job as a single parent to three children. She is footloose and fancy free and does not have any dependents. She contracts and then goes on holiday for 6 months of the year. She owns a 5 bedroom house outright after her divorce and rents rooms which mostly pays her way. I have struggled financially and do not have much disposable income, time or energy to go out all the time. We no longer go out together as much as we did when we were younger.

She has met a younger man and they are getting married in the summer. I cannot afford to go to her hen do (which may be cancelled anyway due to the ongoing issues in the Middle East) but told her that I cannot do an expensive hen do.

Anyway, I got an invite to her Wedding for all my kids and myself but just to the evening do and not for the wedding breakfast. The wedding is in a country house in the middle of nowhere as is the Church. This would mean that we would have to go to the Church where my youngest daughter has been chosen to be a bridesmaid (with a cost of £100+ as a contribution for her dress and flowers) then hang around for 3-4 hours while other people have their wedding breakfast then head to the evening disco. we would have to spend to go to the nearest town by ordering a taxi in advance as service is very poor in the area. We also have to pay to stay nearby as the hotel is booked up with guests and is expensive anyway. We are just invited to a disco at the hotel where there is a paying bar. The food and drinks for the breakfast are being paid for and most people will be drunk when we arrive.

I would not mind if this was a cost thing to them, but people that she has just met who are his friends are being invited to the breakfast as well as his extended family and friend network. I just found this out from people who are on her Facebook who have also not been invited to the breakfast. She seems to have totally gone with his friends and family and seems to be excluding all her former friends. Only her parents and their new respective partners are invited to the breakfast as well as her “new” friends.

Do you think I should avoid her wedding altogether?

the fact you dd is bridesmaid, has to pay for her own dress and you’re not even given the courtesy of an all day invite is appalling

100% this!

I also think that 15 your daughter is old enough to know the details,given that shes meant to be a bridesmaid - explain to her the situation as you have us.

I have never been to a wedding where only a select few get invited to the meal afterwards. It has always been an invitation to the whole thing (ceremony and meal) or an invitation to the evening only.

It is very rude to invite people to a wedding ceremony and not invite them to the wedding breakfast, and not usual either.

Could it be a mistake?

If you want to go, can you go without the kids? Just say they can’t hang around all that time in the middle of the day…?

Just ignore me, my wedding etiquette is from the US, I had no idea we are so different. We don’t have child bridesmaids, any children are flower girls or ring bearers and there is only one meal after the ceremony- the reception followed by a party.

If we have an early afternoon wedding, we have a wedding breakfast that is small before the ceremony.

If we have a morning wedding, we have a rehearsal dinner that is small the night before.

I agree. Aren't flower girls a more recent thing? I'm ancient, and in my day bridesmaids were usually children.

The different traditions are fascinating though!

Is my understanding right that in the US bridesmaids would generally be expected to pay for their own dress? That would be another difference as here the bride would be expected to cover their costs (another black mark for the bride in OP’s post)

This. I don’t do evening invitations generally anyway. This is particularly cheeky, if she is expecting your daughter to pay towards being a bridesmaid. I wouldn’t go.

Yes, bridesmaids do usually contribute towards the dress or buy it. It’s up to the bride. If the bride dictates that you all wear a specific dress, she should pay for it. If the bridesmaids have a say in the dress usually you contribute towards the cost and sometimes can alter it slightly to be a more flattering version for your body type. I was a married and visibly pregnant bridesmaid at one wedding. Which I know was a break from tradition!

But a flower girl (child)’s family should never pay for her dress or flowers.

It is fascinating. My family emigrated to the US from the UK shortly after my 10th birthday so all my bridesmaid days were in the US. Then was back in UK for almost twenty years raising my kids and now back in the US for now.

YANBU. Who asks a child to be a bridesmaid and then only invites her and the rest of the family to the evening do? That is extremely rude. You don't need to lose the friendship if you don't want to, but I would be skipping the wedding, and if she takes offence so be it. Personally I wouldn't call her a good friend.

I think you shouldn’t attend at all. She’s being really unfair in your daughter.
but to be honest, I stopped reading at the hen do being in the Middle East. Aside from the current concerns, who the hell does that and expect teir friends to go along with that expense. Wow!

@SpiritAdder Ah, I was a bridesmaid at 10 in the UK in the 1980’s. Definitely called a bridesmaid not a flower girl and the bride paid for my dress.

I was slightly horrified when I came to the US and realized that bridesmaids had to pay for their own dresses! My MOH dress (that I paid for) wasn’t to my taste although I have friends who were obliged to pay for and wear true monstrosities. 😂

Based on OP's initial post, hrtft, I'd decline the entire thing. Logistically it's difficult and expensive. I'd send a small gift with a card and my regrets without explanation other than, Regrettably we won't be able to attend after all. Wishing you both every happiness on your special day.

What am I even reading?! Your friend is being so wildly unreasonable I think you must have it wrong, surely? Has she actually told you that you aren't invited to the main bit of the wedding, or has there been some sort of mix up with the invites? I'd seriously double check this, as would be a shame to lose the friendship over an admin error.

If this is actually what she's proposing, I wouldn't stop your DD going at 15, if she or her "cool Auntie"(!) can arrange transport.

The bridesmaid not being invited to the dinner is weird but it honestly sounds like you’ve outgrown each other. Which is sad but happens sometimes.

I was a flower girl at aged 9 43 years ago. I’m in Scotland if that makes a difference.

Your friend is being very very unreasonable, but she is also a life-long friend, and presumably has occasionally seen you be unreasonable too. And this doesn’t sound like it’s been done purposefully as a snub, more as thoughtlessness.

I think that in these circumstances, with a very old friend, I would still try and attend if I could.

Depending on the ages of your children and how far the wedding is from home, I would either all go for the ceremony and then all leave after; all go for the ceremony and just you go to the evening do. Or just go with dd - do ceremony, chill in your room and then go to the evening do together.

It won’t be a lovely, relaxed, fun wedding like ones you’ve been to before but I think that there is still a value in being there for an old friend.

Come off it! Daughter is a bridesmaid (guessing she is photogenic)
Of course the family should be invited to the reception.
Bride is out of order

Who's idea was it that your daughter is bridesmaid? Was it your friend's? Or did you suggest your daughter could be available?
Im trying to think how this has come about. How many other children do you have that would need a place at the wedding meal?

It's all too complicated. I would politely turn down the invites and withdraw my daughter from being a bridesmaid. At the very least you should be invited to the whole day, as should your daughter.

Who the fuck doesn’t invite their bridesmaid to the whole reception? That’s a batshit scenario “thanks for holding my bouquet, now if you could bugger off for a bit and we’ll see you in a few hours”

I wouldn’t go to any of it, it’s quite odd that your DD is invited to the wedding but not you!

This! ⬆️ What an odd thing to do! I wouldn’t go (any of you) - the friendship is clearly fading - let it go.

you need to speak to the bride
ask her if she really expects you to disappear for the day?

I disagree. I think the friendship is already fading, and the OP doesn't owe her "friend" anything. It sounds like the friend just wants the daughter for a photo shoot.

I’ve never heard of someone being a bridesmaid but then not invited to the wedding breakfast. Are you absolutely sure that’s what’s happening?