AIBU to want to sell my house and daughter wants continue to rent it ?

[Chloe2434]

This is difficult to to decide.

my daughter is 42, working with 2 children ( my lovely grandchildren) One has anxiety problems, young teenager. daughter has rented my house for 6 years. I did want to sell my rental house previously but my daughter wanted lower rent and asked to rent mine for a while. Its now been six year, i charge low obviously.
iv been diagnosed with a slow growing cancer and explained to her i want to sell it and release some capital so i can do a few things while I am still relatively healthy, my daughter has called me selfish, “ I'm throwing my grandchildren children out etc ‘ it’s causing us to argue and the guilt gets to me, as to be honest she is single and rents are hard aren’t they for single parents.

I agree with @ThisJadeBear and others - the OP has two adult children to think about. The 42yo is unlikely to change, this isn't just temporary circumstances. She should be thankful for all the help she's received so far, and asking herself how she can help her mum after this diagnosis. The usual response would be to try to reduce the mum's stress. I am so sorry this is what you're facing @Chloe2434 .

The resident daughter needs to accept that she is living beyond her means. She doesn't own the house and never will unless she improves her finances substantially. The house could be sold while mum is alive or after as an inheritance. Whatever guilt resident daughter is putting on her mum now, she'll try with her sister when it comes to selling the house and splitting the inheritance. Not dealing with that fact is just kicking the can down the road and hoping resident daughter does the right thing eventually.

Anyway, OP needs to put herself first for a change. If that means selling the house then so be it. It could be the making of resident daughter. At the moment she's not living as a full adult and being propped up financially by her mum could be a source of resentment here.

I wonder what OP's partner, friends and other daughter think about the dynamics at play here.

You are not being unreasonable, your daughter is being selfish - albeit I can understand her panic.

do you own the house outright? Could you take out a mortgage on it to release the money you want - maybe through equity release so you don’t need to pay a mortgage now, or increase her rent to a. Pay off the mortgage and b. get her used to paying market rates?

Or is it possible to sell part of the house to her now? She takes out a small mortgage now to pay you the amount you want to release?

i wonder if a financial advisor might be able to help if you can set out the goals of releasing cash now and the need to later split the inheritance? I’d be concerned that by buying and selling you will incur costs on doing up the house and fees/stamp duty etc. and I wonder if there is a clever way to release the cash and keep her in the house (but maybe on a higher rent)?

In any event you need to start having a discussion with her about her poor financial planning. Does she know that the house will be split and she will only inherit half? How is she planning for that? If I was her I’d buy a flat now or house in a cheaper area and start building equity for her eventual house. Has she spoken to a financial advisor about how much she could borrow? It might be more that she thinks.

Is your daughter working?

Why can't the adult who has children house them herself? Why hasn't she made any provision after 6 years of low rent?

YANBU

Your daughter presumably chose to have those kids. She has had years of cheaper rent, some help with bills and £15k contribution towards a deposit. Time to stand on her own two feet, that’s more help than some people ever receive! I couldn’t imagine trying to guilt trip my sick mother for my own lifestyle choices when she has already helped me more than enough. Yes it’s hard for her but you’re hardly kicking her out with no notice and no money.

No you’re not dying!

I agree with this - OP try and sort this out now even if it’s difficult, or there will likely be a battle between your daughters after you are gone.

I have seen this play out in my wider family, and it didn’t end well, with resentment on both sides and siblings who now no longer speak.

Money brings out the worst in people, and it seems like your daughter already sees this as ‘her’ house.

You can give her some time to sort something out - she has options even if she might not like them. Plenty of people raise kids in apartments quite happily.

Is she really going to struggle to find appropriate, affordable accommodation? I could not turf out my child and grandchildren unless I was penniless myself.
I would perhaps start charging a bit more rent? Would that give you any extra money to play with??

We had a similar situation in our family. The house was sold to the DD for around £50k. There was a private agreement drawn up that another £15k would be paid to her sister, over a agreed term. Within three years the home owner could get a remortgage and pay it.

That doesn't solve the problem when OP has gone.
This situation has the potential to split the two daughters apart after OP’s demise and needs sorting NOW whilst OP is well enough to do this.

She can enjoy the proceeds of the sale and both daughters can be gifted a sum equally.

Time for the 40yr old to cut apron strings of dependency.

This level of entitlement is shocking.
You'd need it spelt out that the help may not be forever?

OP is living in someone else's house.

He could die and she gets kicked out by his kids if any.
He could kick her out.
She may want to leave if he cheats or becomes abusive.

Why would you need a handout and not help yourself in the time you're paying low rent?

No good deed goes unpunished.

There is no sprightly or wrong here. If you were renting to a stranger you’d be within your rights to sell. But you are not you are providing and subsidising your dd and dgc home, you were enabling her to live beyond her means and she is obviously going to be aggrieved, and frightened/defensive, when the bank of mum closes.

Hindsight being a wonderful thing, arrangements like this very commonly go wrong and ruin family relationships. You thought you were doing a good thing, she thought she had security for her family.

Only you will know how this will pan out as it all depends on relationships and people’s individual ethics and personalities.

Good luck with both your dd and your treatment. 🩷

That's you, OP has her reasons.

Her job to house her children not yours. Yanbu.

If your eldest went through similar and is in housing association can’t your other daughter explore that?

I think you are being more than fair.

People can be quite poor, you know.

I agree with this. Better to sell the house now and give the DD a realistic amount to work with, than put it on the other DD to have to turf her sister out one day.

That's not OPs fault, I grew up in a family in real poverty, my mum didn't expect her mum to house her indefinitely. She worked multiple low paid jobs, my dad worked 60 hour weeks in factories. OP is offering get daughter 15k after 6 years of low rent, when does it end?

@BoredZelda
OP is choosing to put herself before the needs of her child and grandchildren. By definition that is selfish.

Really?

I am a tad shocked by some of these responses. OP has a terminal illness and wants to enjoy the rest of her life, for however long that may be, and spend some of the money she has earned over the years - let's be clear it is her house and her money after all.

The DD needs to learn (quickly) to stand on her own two feet. I cannot see for a moment that someone who has financially subsidised their adult DD and two DGCs for several years can be labelled selfish!? Are you all for real?

OP I'm not sure what the answer is from a financial perspective but I would be expecting my DD to be finding ways to help herself. The DD is the selfish one expecting her terminally ill mother to live the rest of her days supporting her and her family and consequently not being able to create her own last memories before her illness takes hold. Shocking.

I think the bigger issue here is not that OP wants to free up money to spend now, but that this is OP’s main asset, and will have to be sold eventually because she has another daughter who will inherit half of it. That’s a minefield.

My Gran lived in a big house that she shared with my Aunt (separate kitchen, living areas, but still just one house). When my Gran died, half of her share had to go to my Mum, so my Aunt had to sell. But she didn’t want to. She dragged it out for years, letting the house fall apart so it was unsaleable, and eventually bought my Mum out for a derisory figure. They never spoke again.

OP’s older daughter has got to vacate this property at some point, otherwise the other daughter is disinherited.

The entitlement from your daughter is shocking. This is your house and you obvs want to be fair to both daughters. Not just the one who is already getting a lot more financial support. Your plan sounds reasonable. You absolutely should free up a bit of cash to enjoy life in care you can’t in future (although I hope your cancer recedes obvs). Your daughter should be supporting you not calling you selfish, when it is clear who is the selfish one.

I'd have thought that if OP had funds from the sale of a house she wouldn't have any need to worry about finding the cash to rent, etc..

I'm sorry to hear of your diagnosis.

Edit ... sorry OP I've just seen that you're intending to purchase a smaller property.

I think the best thing to do in this situation is for you to serve her notice legally. She needs to apply for social housing and go through the process of being made homeless. She obviously can’t afford to privately rent, so this is the best way to meet her long term needs. Maybe you could help her out with moving costs and decorating her new property when she gets one. As much as I sympathise with your DD, it’s your house and your money, and she’s been very lucky to have rented it so cheaply for this amount of time.

As horrible as this is and she shouldn't have called you selfish, because this is an awful situation for you - Nothing would trump putting my children on the street. I just couldn't. Social housing is awful, run down, filled with mould, and private renting is a rip off.

Before anyone jumps on the UC band wagon paying rent - It's capped. They pay up to £700 maximum on private rentals. It's my job to know this. Sometimes they pay even less depending on means tested income (work , capital, inheritance. If you left her inheritance over 16K, then her UC will stop completely. If you left her a mortgaged house like the one she is living in, then she can potentially claim Support for Mortgage Interest.)

Either way, I think if your daughter found herself homeless with children then I wouldn't be expecting her to support you through your cancer journey, because you'll both be in a horrendous situation.

Can you do a 2nd mortgage on the home and increase her rent slightly? Or increase it anyway to get some extra income for yourself? Lump sum from pension? Draw down?

This is a very complex situation to be in. People saying the daughter should have saved - Great. Yes. She would then have her UC cancelled and need to live on those savings to pay rent/mortgage, and then reclaim, but a capital deprivation decision would need to be made, to ensure she hasn't purposely made herself broke to claim benefits.

All scenarios leave them screwed. One major scenario can be prevented by not putting your child and vulnerable grandchildren on the streets. You can have peace of mind knowing they have a roof over their head, they won't have to struggle, you can continue a good relationship with your daughter.

If you do decide to sell, then I think you need to accept that your daughter is also a mother, and a mother will be furious about her children being made homeless. 3 bed houses are in short supply. A privately rented one starts lowest arpund 1300 a month.

What do you want for your daughters future when you are not here and she will still he a single mum?

Good luck with this one.

YANBU. Daughter is on a good deal and knows it. Time for her to grow up and face reality.