To get DD out of a rave

[TheSassyHedgehog]

We've just realised DD (17) is probably at a rave in the middle of nowhere. We knew she was going to a party with a friend but thought it was in the city we live in. However from her last location on phone, DH and I can see she's a good 20 ish miles away, probably in woodland, no houses for miles, and there's no signal now so we don't know how she'll organise to get home, plus have all the worries about whatever's going on there. We were young once though and know she could be having the time of her life but we want to get her home as it'll be getting cold. We think DH should drive to last known location and look for her but she may well be furious. AIBU?

Lived in london, night buses galore! How do you think the DD got to the woods?

Picturing ops DH as Liam neeson with his special set of skills tracking her down!

I think this is a great example of why tracking people, kids in particular, is a bad idea. Just because we can, doesn’t mean we should. It’s giving a message ‘you can’t be trusted in the world without our supervision’, which does feed through into kids’ psyches. And obviously causes a lot of unnecessary anxiety for those doing the tracking. She’d told you she’d be out until the early hours, you either trust her to make her own choices about that or you don’t, imo. And at 17 I don’t know what the other options are. I think you know all this op, which is why you felt so conflicted about it. Turn the tracker off.

Well thats nice for you but the OP doesn't live in London and you were taking the piss out of my post and I don't live in London either. Neither funnily enough do most MN users.

My DS could also walk of course. It's only 14 miles..

I have two DC. They both have very large groups of friends. All bar a couple were subject to very similar rules. Most were collected by parents (or one parent would bring a group of them back) or could get ubers (girls had to share to the same location so that they weren't in the uber alone). DS2 had one friend whose parents didn't care where she was and she often ended up sleeping in our spare room since she couldn't get home and was drunk.

Mine are now both at university, I still have find my friend on their phone for emergencies.

I’m just relieved she’s safe, I would have been as worried as you OP.

I loved a rave back in the day and have raised three adult DC who between them certainly kept the Manchester night time economy going.
However, if DD wants to be treated like an adult then she should act like one and tell you truthfully, where she is going, and what time/ how she is getting back.
There are very few areas of the UK that don't have WiFi coverage so I'd ask her to leave her phone switched on too.
Does she think you'd be disapproving and that's why she never told you?

You obviously haven’t had a rave near you. They are all self contained vehicles that provide their own power, they cut fences to get on to land, the rave in our village was on military land, the police have no powers to shut it down, they just sat in their van looking really pissed off, my sister rescued one teenager who couldn’t remember where her car was, drove her around until she found her car

I wonder how the DD got to the woods?

Isn’t that what you’re supposed to be doing at 17?

Who knows, probably got a lift with someone or got an earlier bus (in this area buses run until about 1.30ish to limited villages), or got an uber. What does the have to do with her getting home? She lied to her parents who when they discovered where she was were worried.

If you would be happy with your child getting into a car with a teenage driver who has been to a rave in the wee small hours, then that says more about you than me.

When my then 19 year old went travelling, was very happy to have tracking on phone. Obviously not used to collect her if I felt she was out too late, but just for MY peace of mind. I never used it to berate her for time keeping etc, but was very glad I could sleep some nights knowing where she was. If my young people don’t want me tracking them, they can remove it, so far they have been happy for me to have it, and it has been used at times to pick them up if they have asked. They are in their 20s now, I will continue to use it as a way to help me feel like we are in touch unless they remove it. They can track me too…this is far too boring for anyone to do!🤣

Tracking devices can be a useful tool. I use it to see whether dh is on his way back from work for example. With my 17 yo dd, I will use it for much the same reason, such as when she went to the gym with her friend the other day, just to check if she was on her way back so I could plan her dinner. She has anorexia so this sort of stuff is incredibly important. She wasn’t where I expected her to be and was actually at a tanning salon. I haven’t told her I know she wasn’t where she said she’d be. That’s not important. As long as she’s eating, I’m not going to stop her from doing stuff like that, which I disagree with it. So it can be a useful tool.

Some kids need more guidance than others. My dd does, which caught me by surprise because she used to be so sensible, and still is about a lot of stuff. And it should never be about the parents. Giving your 18 yo a curfew because you can’t handle the stress is ridiculous. My dd went to a festival last year at just turned 17 and stayed for 3 nights. I didn’t have a clue what she was up to and she was constantly filming, I imagine, so her phone kept on running out of charge. This was good for her to have the freedom.

Should have added OP, so glad your DD is safe and coming home.

With consent and not forced, I think that’s appreciable.

Some couples we know track each other.

No parents “you’ll be tracked until I say you won’t”

My daughter and her friends all track each other on their phones, just to keep everyone a bit safe and also to get an idea of where they are. She is 30 years old now but is an intrepid globetrotter and travels the world, alone sometimes, to far flung places. If you have this network with friends it does not feel so much like Big Brother. At 17years if she is with her friends , having fun, I would not worry, it’s part of growing up. When she gets back home you could ask about where she was and let her know you worry.

Because it’s morning and she could’ve used the same transport?

She’s 17 and the cusp of being an adult, so she should be able to navigate such stuff.

She did decide to call dad taxi, which worked for her.

If my daughter had done this at 17 she'd have heard about it! At 18 I'd have said not a word (unless I was expected to be on call for pick-up - then I'd have expected easy contactability). It's about learning boundaries and responsibility.

Oh and my “children” are fully grown up adults, so I’ve done just fine.

But let’s see how yours fair later in life. That’ll be what says more about you.

It wasn't morning when the OP found out she was 20 miles away from where she was supposed to be, in the middle of woodland. She could have been in very serious trouble.

You're simply determined to be cool. Crack on. We all parent differently but I'll stick with my style.

And nobody said they were tracking their child without their child's consent. Certainly in my family we all have everyone linked (even PIL for similar emergency reasons) and anyone can turn it off at any time).

She's legally a child so her parents are perfectly entitled to track her for her own safety.

Good point. Teens all track one another on Snapchat unless they’ve turned it off. I contacted one of 17 yo dd’s friends last summer to ask where dd was. She’d ran off as I was trying to talk to her, blocking me, which turned her location services off. This is not the first time this happened. I didn’t want her to be burning off loads of energy and she was crying, besides herself upset and got in the car when I located her.

Some teens need protecting more than others. Mine is vulnerable.

I’m so sorry about your daughter’s illness, that must be a terrible worry. I agree some kids need more guidance than others, but for me if they are not ready to be independent then they are not - tracking is not parental guidance. I don’t want to argue with you at all though, we all have to do it our own way, personally I believe tracking in general is bad for the mental health of both the tracked and those doing the tracking.

Sadly not all teens are, as able to do this as per my dd. I’ve explained why in other posts.

We gave up on tracking when an idle glance at it showed dd1 was in Taiwan! She was actually at a pub quiz at uni but they had a weird wifi in the pub she was in.

I really don’t understand parents who say they wouldn’t be concerned about a 17 year old being out all night, probably in the middle of nowhere, not really knowing what they were doing or when they’d be coming home. 17 isn’t a mature adult - the brain isn’t fully developed by then and 17 year olds are capable of making some very silly decisions, especially under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs. Very naive to believe that anyone at a rave in a field isn’t going to be taking some form of substance.
My concern here would have been how they were planning on getting home - clearly there was no plan as the daughter decided to ring in the early hours and ask for a lift home. Not much consideration to her parents at all but better than getting in a car for a lift home with someone who had been there and potentially drunk or had taken something.