To get DD out of a rave

[TheSassyHedgehog]

We've just realised DD (17) is probably at a rave in the middle of nowhere. We knew she was going to a party with a friend but thought it was in the city we live in. However from her last location on phone, DH and I can see she's a good 20 ish miles away, probably in woodland, no houses for miles, and there's no signal now so we don't know how she'll organise to get home, plus have all the worries about whatever's going on there. We were young once though and know she could be having the time of her life but we want to get her home as it'll be getting cold. We think DH should drive to last known location and look for her but she may well be furious. AIBU?

A 17 year old is not a child.

Your daughter would have worked out how to get home before going.

She is with friends, they'll be fine.

I can't believe you are tracking her.

Calm down and get some sleep, she'll be home soon.

She's phoned us just now so DH is going to get her. Before this, DH drove out to her last location at about 3am and in the vicinity he saw lots of cars parked up and a few groups of young people but he couldn't hear music or get any idea of which direction they were coming or going from, but we guessed that was probably the gathering she was at, then he came back. We were really conflicted about what to do, but as it turns out she's ok and has had a good night and doesn't know why we were worried 😬 Thank you all for your responses.

Your last post at 3.40 didn’t mention dh driving out anywhere - only that the pair of you were still worried

A 17 has rung you at 6am from the woods and is surprised that her parents were worried that couldn’t contact her?

I sincerely hope once she’s 18 she insists that you stop tracking her!

I presume you won’t allow her until then? Although if she has a job and is paying for her own phone, then she should stop it now,

It would depend on circumstances for me. If she’s broadly sensible and has a nice group of mates shes with I would be ok with it. If she was vulnerable and there alone or with one girl maybe is worrying.

A friends Dd was into that scene it’s quite hippyish / alternative they’re usually a nice crowd. Neither of mine into it too cold snd muddy!

For as long as my children are reliant on me for transport… I am tracking them

I’m glad all is ok op. I would have been concerned under the same circumstances too.

What - even when 18 and at university, living in a student flat?

Expect them to stop allowing you to transport them! You expect as adults you dictate they’re going to be tracked?

Good god, imagine infantilising your adult children that much, that they can’t say no, or they won’t get a lift.

So if your adult children needs “transporting” to age 22, you’re going to insist only if you can track them? Invade their privacy?

I hope you’ve chosen to move somewhere with good transport links.

What do you think she was doing in the woods until 6am @TheSassyHedgehog?
What has she said she was doing in the woods until 6am?
Balance that out with the anxiety and agree future communication and build trust.
Just cos she's ok staying up all night shouldn't mean you have to because your worrying potentially for no reason.

If my 22 year old is still reliant on mummy for transport - I’d be worried

I didn’t say wanted a lift etc
I said reliant on me for transport

I know it’s outrageous isn’t it!

Parent can’t cope with “stress” so child has to stick to outrageous rules to accommodate their issues. Instead of parent dealing with their own issues.

Imagine an 18 year old at a party saying I’ve got to go now, mummy wants me home! 🤮

If you want to respond to me, it’s best to tag!

My comments remain the same, lift or transport etc.

You’ve no right to invade an 18 year olds privacy, being the parent doesn’t change that.

its weird,

Same 18 year old needs to ring mummy to ask to come and collect and bring them home

Whatever, it’s still wrong at 18!

I don’t have the location of my 19 year old. Why? At uni and not reliant on my for transport.

i have the location of my 15 year old. Reliant on me for transport.

for me that was my stake in the ground on the issue and neither so much as ever had anything negative to say about it

“Whatever” 😀

Yeah, ones not raised by me!

Mummy is also insisting that the 18 year old gets an uber, they can’t use public transport, expensive for most 18 year olds that could just get the night bus.

I bet that 18 year old and his friends LOVE fact they’re getting an uber instead the night bus 😂

I think you’ve handled this really well @TheSassyHedgehog
Open communication, no judgement or anger, checking she’s safe and then stepping back and letting her do her thing. This is exactly the kind of parenting that means in future she’ll tell you where she is.

??

Your “child” will be the next MN saying they can’t open the door, use public transport, find their way out of an issue on here!

Because mummy was a helicopter parent, even when they’re all “grown up”.

You weren’t a raver then 😂 you were a clubber.

I was a definite good girl and even I went clubbing at 17 with no curfew and my parents just went to bed. Why are people so intense now?

I’d be a sleepless wreck if I didn’t sleep til my late teens got home. In her gap year Dd then 18 worked in a restaurant and often went out afterwards and wasn’t back til 4ish - on week nights!