To get DD out of a rave

[TheSassyHedgehog]

We've just realised DD (17) is probably at a rave in the middle of nowhere. We knew she was going to a party with a friend but thought it was in the city we live in. However from her last location on phone, DH and I can see she's a good 20 ish miles away, probably in woodland, no houses for miles, and there's no signal now so we don't know how she'll organise to get home, plus have all the worries about whatever's going on there. We were young once though and know she could be having the time of her life but we want to get her home as it'll be getting cold. We think DH should drive to last known location and look for her but she may well be furious. AIBU?

For all those saying nothing happens in the woods. We’ve got woodland and always have teenagers there, they’ve got a firepit, take a speaker out and they talk, drink and sing. Can be very tame and not at all the scene you imagine!

Glad you’ve found her and she’s had a good time.

Yes absolutely! I have covered the gamut of venture scout gatherings in the woods which sound very much like what you describe, through to free party style raves underneath motorways in Salford. The spectrum of what could be going on is quite wide!

Your daughter won't understand the worry of parents, until she becomes a Mum herself! Yes, it was always likely your daughter is perfectly OK and having a wonderful time. However, it's that tiny percentage that says she might be in trouble. Glad your daughter is OK!

Yes there are scenarios more worrying than woodland raves. It’s a gentler slightly hippy crusty type crowd that are into that. Agree logistics tricky if no public transport and too far for an uber.

Thank you. I think we all have to find our way. And I can understand if you’ve not had to go through the things our family has, I can respect the way I see things to be completely alien. Dd has been unwell for 2.5 years now and still doesn’t want to admit to herself there is an issue. It is an important tool for me in ways, that most parents can’t possibly imagine.

There is a great podcast episode about this topic that I’ve just listened to - definitely worth a listen, talks about exactly this scenario and what actually keeps teens safe - it’s not tracking.
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/ask-lisa-the-psychology-of-raising-tweens-teens/id1525689066?i=1000754415778

Dd said she was going to a party. Dd said she would be back really early hours in the morning .
If op hadn’t checked the location. , there would have been no worry .
Dd did what she said she was doing .

I get op’s worry however she did check and did see there was a get together . So she got some peace of mind untill dd was ready to come home .

You know that they could just send their live location and share for a specific amount of time when they’re ready to be collected? If they’ve got signal to ring, they’ve got signal to send that. If they don’t have signal, the tracking won’t show you where they are anyway, just where they were when they last had signal.

We as a family have family sharing for app purchases etc. That then shares all device locations too. We only really use that for when my eldest contacts me from a friends phone at uni to say he left his phone somewhere the night before and can I see where it is for him, or if someone’s travelling home and let us know when they left, we sometimes look to see how far off home they are if we are coming dinner for when they get there (on Friday my son was running late travelling back from uni - luckily I checked that and saw he was about half an hour behind so I didn’t put the dumplings in the casserole too early or the baguettes in the oven so they were still warm when I served up later).

You definitely don’t need to be tracking them constantly. You shouldn’t be tracking them to keep tabs on them ever.

Glad you have heard from her - it's hard to relax sometimes if you don't know where they are, but it's not unusual for them to do things they haven't told you about. I think phones are great but make the worrying worse if they don't answer!
Looking back, I did some ridiculous things at that age, or slightly older, including also going to a rave in the middle of nowhere, driving to London in the middle of the night (two hours away), driving in a friend's car to the south coast and getting a ferry to France on the spur of the moment, going to France for a few hours and coming back (didn't tell my parents or anything like that!), going to beaches after going out all night. It's lucky my mum couldn't track me, or she would have been very worried!

OP id guess you don’t have any older children because you seem very nervous about your 17yr old having a night out ?

I can’t believe your husband drove around at 3am to look for her !
Maybe get some help for your anxiety. She’s 17, not 7 !!
You need to loosen those apron strings else she will just end up lying to you about what she is doing . The thought of mum and dad barging into her night out !! She would be crucified by all her mates !!

I have scanned through the transcript and I agree. It’s about peace of mind, not safety. For example, 17 yo dd went to a rave in Manchester and stayed in a hotel overnight with a friend. I woke up in the night - as I always do rather than through worry - and I could just check where she was. Knowing she was safely back at her hotel, I could go back to sleep. I don’t think I’d have let her go to the rave without this as a tool. She has been using someone else’s ID as these venues are 18 plus, albeit a large proportion of teens apparently aren’t and some 16 yos are allowed to go as well. She’s year 13 for reference. Wouldn’t have let her go in year 12.

If my child was not responding and their phone was showing them in the woods in the night, my first thought would not be ‘a rave’ 😯

Maybe I have read too much Take A Break magazines.

Yes. The thing that is actually keeping them safe is knowing they can call their parents when they need help - this only happens when there’s trust.

it really is unless you are very sheltered

Its nothing to do with being sheltered or even an age thing if someone has said they are going to a party in a city and then their phone is showing them in the woods at 2am i would panic they've been murdered and their body dumped i would think this whether they where 17 or 37

Someone forgot where their car was then was ok to drive ! To be honest that is the most worring this on this thread.

Op you need to say to your daughter i honestly don't care what you do you're old enough to make your own decisions but please just tell us where you are going so we don't panic and think your body has been dumped in the woods at 2am

Agreed, I am very surprised at the responses to this. I would defnitely drive out there and assess the scene.

Exactly this

This happened to me last summer with my 17 year old.
Lots of worry for hours one day due to location tracking.

He was fine but I’ve not looked since. I strongly recommend not checking location.

I’m glad she had a good night and I’m glad young people still meet like this.

Glad she's home safe, OP.

FWIW, I think a rave in the woods is infinitely safer and more fun than a night out in town. If I had a teenage daughter, I might even deliberately introduce her to the rave scene rather than watch her go down the soulless route of pubs, clubs, and searching for taxis in the early hours.

The best parties are small, organised quietly, and leave no mess. And they do happen in woods, all year round. I once went to one in North Wales in January. Let's just say that shortly after, I invested in an insulated coat 😜

Really? I do that in the supermarket car park all the time

Every days a school day

Techno parties in woods with dancefloors under taurpaulins in February in sideways rain turning to sleet were a highlight in early 2000's.

Glad she’s safe and sound.

As a good mother you can’t help but worry. It’s only natural, she’ll always be your DD even at 40!

In some ways, I think the days without mobile phones were far easier for parents, because they were totally oblivious to where we ended up!!