To get DD out of a rave

[TheSassyHedgehog]

We've just realised DD (17) is probably at a rave in the middle of nowhere. We knew she was going to a party with a friend but thought it was in the city we live in. However from her last location on phone, DH and I can see she's a good 20 ish miles away, probably in woodland, no houses for miles, and there's no signal now so we don't know how she'll organise to get home, plus have all the worries about whatever's going on there. We were young once though and know she could be having the time of her life but we want to get her home as it'll be getting cold. We think DH should drive to last known location and look for her but she may well be furious. AIBU?

@BoogieTownTop It’s not ‘weird’ that some parents track and give lifts to and worry about their 17/18 yr olds. Stop shaming people because they’re different from you.

Only if mummy is paying for it!

What a great parent that makes them!

Mummy doesn’t like you being on the night bus, because all the grown ups are on their! You get an uber and mummy will pay for that, but that means I track you.

Oh, why dud you go to Jane’s house, I thought we agreed you weren’t going to see her anymore, because mummy doesn’t like her.

Ridiculous!

It really really is! She’s not ‘in the woods’ alone - there’s likely 1000 other people there all having a great time. Anything she could be getting up to in the woods she could just as easily be getting up to in a friend’s bedroom or a pub in the middle of the city.

Well yes obviously if mum is paying for it 😐

You’re one for hyperbole and !!!! Aren’t you? Reminds me of my 15 year old

When did I say it was wrong to worry?

Oh, I didn’t!

Being a parent is full of worry, but you need to learn to manage that and allow your children to be adults!

Its bloody weird to insist an 18 year old that is an adult has a 2 pm curfew, not a tracked and can only come home by uber!

You honestly think that an 18 year old should be dictated to like that? Christ they could be parents themselves.

You’re on shaky ground legally restricting the movements of 18 plus adults.

Sadly, young women are vulnerable nowadays and if I had seen her location I would have been very worried indeed and would have done the 3am run that your DH did. Glad she is ok OP.

Of course mum is paying for it, lets her control the situation. Holding the purse strings!

If at 18 your child can’t navigate the way home without mummy paying or it, then you’ve gone wrong.

If in extreme emergency, something going wrong they need to call on you, the same as a partner or whatever would do, then fine, that happens. They navigate that.

My 18 year olds didn’t need to be tracked, they were capable to be adults.

The tracking is for your benefit, not theirs!

There absolutely is. There was one near Bristol a few weeks ago.

people dress sensibly and dance - keeps you warm!

I wouldn’t go and get her. But I’d be having a serious chat about trust and safety the next day.

Dare i say it?!
I have to leave the discussion because I’m cooking my 17 year old a fry up before driving him to rugby training? 😂

This! I am trying to imagine the kind of 18 year old that doesn't fall about laughing at a 'curfew '!
We can't set an age that someone is legally an adult and then impose things like curfews on said adult. In fact, we should have been preparing this young person for years beforehand to become an adult at 18.
I have a 19 and almost 16 year old, I have never tracked either of them to avoid exactly this situation. Do I worry? Of course I do but that is my problem, not theirs.

Last point
from me… it’s a quid pro quo. She’s ringing daddy at 6am for a lift home. So him tracking her location seems reasonable to me.

once she doesn’t need dad to come and collect her, then dad doesn’t have any grounds for tracking

Exactly!

But that’s somehow deemed that we don’t worry and we’re shaming other parents!

No we’re allowing our children to become adults, as mum always said, you have children, you give them wings and you let them fly. You don’t keep them in cages.

Not many nightbuses in the woods !
For me collecting them is about safety , I will still collect DD aged 19 rather than her putting herself in potentially dangerous situations ( saw me in my car on Brighton SeaFront @ 3am on January 1st - the joy.) Doesn't give me the right to track her though. At 17y, year 12 I would say a bit young to be out all night in term time. Y13- well your A- levels not mine !

Dd2 17 has always seemed older than her peers shes reasonable grown up sophisticated is always recommending books we have good conversations etc. She has an epic social life with friends and long term boyfriend. Saturday job so has some money of her own. It would actually feel weird if I suddenly said to her a time she has to be home by.

That’s fine!

Di you track her and impose a curfew?

How did she get to the woods? Op didn’t take her child?

Perhaps she could use the same mode of transport to get home?

It was after 6 when she was ready to call her mum and dad taxi, that’s light here, she could perhaps walk from the woods she’s been racing on all night to sone transport?

I'm in my 70's and I'm relieved that there was no "tracking" when I was a youngster.
My parents were bad enough with the interrogation about where I was going etc, etc
Thing was we all looked out for each other and I think we were more independent and savvy at 18 than my own DC'S were. Perhaps nowadays we are far more aware of the big bad world out there because of living in a media heavy atmosphere, without appreciating there have always been "dangers" out there albeit different dangers but our kids have to grow up and learn to live and deal with it all.
There is a very fine line between being overwhelmingly protective and just gently watching out and guiding them.

I’d have a conversation with her about drug use if you haven’t done that already.

Yes this is most likely my DS sound system! He is at Uni in Bristol but they have a massive sound system in a lock up and their free parties have been going on all over winter, even in the depths of December. Hundreds of young folk turn up they even put free tea, coffee and snacks out for them.

OP you are really going to need to chill out and try and relax over the next few years. As a Mother to a 21 and 22 YO it can be hard and yes i am aware of alllll the dangers but you need to stop the tracking for a start.

Of course it would!

Shes an adult and you’ve moved into an adult relationship with mutual respect.

No clearly not (you're just making up your own narrative there for added "cool mum" status), but whilst still at school.

@BoogieTownTop
I’m calling you out on ‘it’s weird’ and ‘ridiculous’. You can disagree without denigrating the way other people parent.

No such thing as a night bus here. Three options to get home - parent pick up, uber or get in a car full of kids with a teenage driver.

I'll carry on picking up my child or paying for an uber thanks.

Some people are so desperate to be viewed as cool.

There have been plenty this year already in my neck of the woods.