To get DD out of a rave

[TheSassyHedgehog]

We've just realised DD (17) is probably at a rave in the middle of nowhere. We knew she was going to a party with a friend but thought it was in the city we live in. However from her last location on phone, DH and I can see she's a good 20 ish miles away, probably in woodland, no houses for miles, and there's no signal now so we don't know how she'll organise to get home, plus have all the worries about whatever's going on there. We were young once though and know she could be having the time of her life but we want to get her home as it'll be getting cold. We think DH should drive to last known location and look for her but she may well be furious. AIBU?

What a load of bollocks

Bloody hell 2pm!! That is a logistical nightmare!

What time did they go out?

Posted before you edited!

I bet the parents tracking their adult children’s whereabouts and imposing curfews would have a fit if their 18 year-old daughter was in a controlling relationship with a boyfriend who dictated what time she could stay out with friends until. It’s astounding that they can’t see the difference.

This is the problem with modern technology. In my (olden) days there were no mobiles, no tracking, and our parents lived in blissful ignorance. If we wanted a pickup we arranged it before we left. I can’t imagine how grim it must be to have parents constantly on your case and spying. But I should add that when my cat disappears for too long I’m almost dialling emergency services.

When someone is 18 they are an adult. You can’t tell them what to do anymore. Also surely they can drive themselves?

My oldest went and travelled independently at 18’and is a calm and sensible young woman. It would be really weird if I started telling her what to do. She’s an adult.

Again... I dont understand parents these days. 3am, not in contact, possibly at a rave at 17 yet the concerned parent is at fault??

‘The brain shrinks and takes a long, long time to recover’

Sorry you are just talking out your arse now.

A massive amount of it IS down to the parents. If you are tracking your 17/18 year old on an app, setting curfews and generally treating them like a little child, then yes the parents are stunting their adult development.

Why have you brought ND into this when it has absolutely no relevance to this thread?

That's literally insane.

Your post is really unkind and factually incorrect.

The brain atrophies and reduces in size. Aka shrinks.

Largest university of Bath study to date https://www.bath.ac.uk/announcements/largest-study-to-date-reveals-stark-changes-in-brain-structure-for-people-with-anorexia/ cites sizeable reductions in three measures in the brain.

https://www.gaudianiclinic.com/gaudiani-clinic-blog/2015/11/2/how-anorexia-causes-a-starved-brain-understanding-cerebral-atrophy cerebral atrophy in the title.

Due to these structural changes, it is not uncommon to regress by several years.

No, sorry this is not scientific or correct.

People with eating disorders brains do not shrink - you are being ridiculous and yes we can all find an articles on this sort of conspiracy nonsense, it doesn’t mean it’s scientifically correct.

And even if it was, does that mean you treat a 17 year old like a little child? How is that meant to help their development and transition into adulthood? At what age would you deem them able to take accountability?

Or will they always be excused by you?

And like I said, which you have blatantly ignored, what does neurodiversity have anything to do with this thread?

@PixieTales
You are making some big assumptions about my parenting here. I’m not going to engage any further, not because I believe you’re correct but because I think you are looking for a fight. And I don’t want one. So I’m going to step away now.

Thats extremely ironic considering you are the one who interjected yourself into my reply to a completely different poster to you - non of which had nothing to do with you.

There was literally no reason for you to quote me, but you did. You don’t like my response, that’s on you.

Stop picking a fight with the mother of a teen with an eating disorder about her own child. She has quoted scientific studies to back up what she says about brain differences and you’re still at her.
In case you didn’t open the first link, it says “A major study, coordinated by neuroscientists at the University of Bath (UK) with international partners, has revealed key differences in brain structure between people with and without anorexia nervosa.” that’s the opposite of a conspiracy theory.
She knows her daughter..you don’t. If she’s regressed by a couple of years then parenting appropriate to that age makes sense. Have some compassion for the love of God.

Leave her to it. But when you next see her (sober) have a genuine conversation with her about never getting into a car with a drunk or high driver. And ask her how she got home from her party. Don’t mention you checked the location of her phone.

You need to read the OPs updates

I feel like people are acting like you've been proper paranoid here OP and I just want to say - if she implied shes at a party in the city and then you see her location is in a remote woodland location... yes you were right to worry!

They'd all have been kicking themselves if it had turned out she'd been grabbed and dragged out to the middle of the woods to have unmentionable consequences, and OP was sat at home thinking 'everyone thinks I'm overkill on mumsnet so we wont worry until tomorrow morning'

Let this be a lesson to her, let you know her location in advance so you don't have to worry. It's about responsibility nevermind that shes nearly an adult. She's NOT yet.
No, they didn't have location tracking in our day BUT she knows her mum DOES have location tracking and it is part of her life/upbringing. So if she knows her mum may well login and see her in the middle of the woods, then as practically an adult she should have the foresight to send her mum a message saying 'just to let you know, I'm here and I don't need a lift home'

This, don't alert her to his presence if not necessary. Patenting never gets any easier, does it?

Sorry to add to this, but I have been thinking about this a lot last this morning. I think the fact that some people are saying its crazy to behave like this towards your children, I even saw one compare to an abusive relationship, which is just ludicrous.

I live in a main city and would categorically never allow my children to do certain things. I was away at a family party yesterday, they live in a small rural village. My cousin allowed her daughter to walk to the shop, in the dark I was shocked, but then I get that they live somewhere different to me. When I was at school, I loved spending school holdiays at hers we had so much freedom. It made me think of this post and all of the conflicting views.

Does your location reflect your views?

We used to go raving in woods, fields, carparks... don't ever remember feeling cold!

Spiral Tribe, UK Free Party, UK Tek etc were always in woods or fields (usually without the landowner's permission). Pretty sure the same thing still happens.

@CuppaTeaBab yes of course your location affects your views and your perception of danger. I thought nothing of letting DCs walk to and from grandparents (15 minutes through woodlands and fields) when they was little. They're hardly going to get abducted by a badger, or mugged by a gang of voles.

By far the biggest danger to children, whether they are in a city or in the countryside, are car drivers. Avoid those - by avoiding roads, easy to do in most areas of the countryside - and your child will be safe. They do have tracking on their phones (life360), but reception is incredibly patchy so it comes down to trust. I trust them, and we live in an incredibly safe area where a loose horse will be the talk of the village for weeks so yes, I don't waste a moment worrying about their safety just walking around. They cycle a lot (mostly off road) and of course have helmets and lights to switch on on the road sections.

So basically, keep your children away from cars, and give them the best chances of being seen if cars are unavoidable, and they'll be fine.

This has been an interesting discussion and it's definitely made me reflect. On the 'tracking' front, it's a positive thing for us 99% of the time e.g. DD using it to try to get a food order in whenever she sees I'm near a shop 😄 However I agree at nearly 18 it's definitely her choice, and I don't want it to cause issues, so I suggested stopping it earlier. Her words were 'no way, I like knowing where you are!' On the party front we knew the location of the gathering was tbc but it took her, her friend (and us) by surprise it was such a long way out of the city. They'd even met in the city centre expecting it to be somewhere in closer radius. DD wasn't being deceitful and she knew we had her location, and we knew an abduction was highly unlikely... It's obvious now it would be somewhere remote where the party/rave wouldn't get shut down so easily (duh!), but we only realised that as it was happening and then she was out of range as no phone signal so we probably panicked too much. She did use her initiative next morning walking with friend a few miles to ask a homeowner (lucky them) if they could use their WiFi to book an Uber. She then rang us and DH offered to pick her up so she cancelled the Uber. DH saw loads of the party goers traipsing the 7-8 miles, probably to the nearest pub /train station so I can see that's all part of the fun of it. DD got some lovely sunrise photos. Apparently there were even first aid kits at the event. Anyway, all good in the end.

I’m not ‘picking a fight’ I’m responding to someone who decided to interject themselves on my comment to another poster, then derail the thread talking about how eating disorders shrink brains and bringing up neurodiversity - non of which has any relevance to this thread.

So yes I will call that out.