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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriends debt.. gutted

95 replies

ForLuckyReader · 14/03/2026 23:13

Gutted.

Just found out about boyfriend’s (33) debt. He took out a 2 X 15K loans 5 years ago after he bought his house. The interest on them is huge. He will be paying them off for next 3 years. He has no spare £ each month due to the minimum payments, car finance and his mortgage.

My heart has sank. I am an avid saver and have worked so hard to get out of my working class background (I am a Dr now). Both parents on benefits since a young age and have sacrificed so much to get to this point to ensure I have enough £ as an adult. The poverty trauma is real.

Anyway.. I’m bloody gutted. I just know this isn’t going to work.

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 15/03/2026 10:31

IngridsLittleToe · 14/03/2026 23:28

Having read the other thread where you are living rent free in his house I think you're unreasonable to judge!!!

Wtf! So she isn't helping him to repay debt because she is a freeloader! Unbelievable OP

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/03/2026 23:04

I don’t see the issue. He has loans out that he is paying an will be debt free in 3yrs

I have to pay an ex dh loan as he doesn’t and under my name and have think just under 4yrs left on it

yes it pisses me off totally but im
paying it and roll on 2029 (I think)

Nipnap · 16/03/2026 18:14

Gold digging much.

YerMotherWasAHamster · 16/03/2026 18:18

So you live for free off him, are not happy that he doesn't pay for everything and dont think things will work out because he's got debts? Why? Scared he might expect you to pay your own way in the relationship?

Crushed23 · 16/03/2026 18:46

Aluna · 15/03/2026 07:44

First and foremost - congratulations on working hard to qualify as a doctor; secondly it’s perfectly ok for this to be a dealbreaker.

You’re young and you will have plenty of other options.

If you’re working in a hospital setting there should be a reasonable supply of male medics.

r.e. your last comment, that’s unlikely to be the case. Depending on OP’s speciality, there will be a minority of male medics. A relative graduated medical school a few years ago (and is around OP’s age) - the cohort was 60%+ female.

gentileprof7 · 16/03/2026 18:46

DO NOT buy a house with him or give him.any money. I probably wouldn't marry him either as then what's your is his.

Aluna · 16/03/2026 18:58

Crushed23 · 16/03/2026 18:46

r.e. your last comment, that’s unlikely to be the case. Depending on OP’s speciality, there will be a minority of male medics. A relative graduated medical school a few years ago (and is around OP’s age) - the cohort was 60%+ female.

So? it’s still better than working in an all female office.

Crushed23 · 16/03/2026 19:00

Aluna · 16/03/2026 18:58

So? it’s still better than working in an all female office.

For meeting a partner? Of course. But not as good as, say, 30 years ago. Mind you, there are more male nurses than there used to be.

Thingcanonlygetbetter · 16/03/2026 19:05

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 14/03/2026 23:22

No wonder she can afford to save as her totally outgoings on a roof over her head and food is £350 a month.
@ForLuckyReader if you leave there is no where that you are going to live for that money.

mothersdaywoe · 16/03/2026 19:17

Goodness me the second week in which I bought my house the roof basically blew off
And I was made redundant
Obviously, I took out 15 K plus loans to resolve both those situations
Doesn’t mean that I’m not a saver. I had to put down 70 grand as a deposit. That didn’t come from anything other than saving savings and hard work

McSpoot · 16/03/2026 23:01

gentileprof7 · 16/03/2026 18:46

DO NOT buy a house with him or give him.any money. I probably wouldn't marry him either as then what's your is his.

Don’t worry, she doesn’t give him any money. She lives, rent free, in his house and pays a pittance for expenses.

40YearOldDad · 17/03/2026 08:45

It's not often I think this, but LTB. He'll be much better off without you, 😂

Swiftie1878 · 17/03/2026 08:47

ForLuckyReader · 14/03/2026 23:13

Gutted.

Just found out about boyfriend’s (33) debt. He took out a 2 X 15K loans 5 years ago after he bought his house. The interest on them is huge. He will be paying them off for next 3 years. He has no spare £ each month due to the minimum payments, car finance and his mortgage.

My heart has sank. I am an avid saver and have worked so hard to get out of my working class background (I am a Dr now). Both parents on benefits since a young age and have sacrificed so much to get to this point to ensure I have enough £ as an adult. The poverty trauma is real.

Anyway.. I’m bloody gutted. I just know this isn’t going to work.

Thank goodness you’ve found out now.

Cut and move on.

OMG - just seen the link. You are (the female version of) cocklodging! How dare you criticise him when he is bankrolling you, a doctor(!), while you save away.
Pay him some bloody rent and his finances will be sorted out much more quickly.

BudgetBuster · 17/03/2026 09:16

gentileprof7 · 16/03/2026 18:46

DO NOT buy a house with him or give him.any money. I probably wouldn't marry him either as then what's your is his.

This is hilarious. The OPs boyfriend owns a house that she'll happily live in with little to no contribution.

I think he's the one who needs the warning not to marry his sponger of a girlfriend.

Bellyblueboy · 17/03/2026 09:35

Why does this upset you so much? He took out loans for his house? And has a car on finance.

can he afford the repayments? How high is the interest rate?

be honest - do you want a high earning partner and is that the issue - rather some fairly ordinary loans?

As a doctor, depending on how many years you have been practicing, you will earn in the six figures. You will still likely need a mortgage? And maybe a loan at some stage of you want to do renovations. I assume you will never buy a car in finance - but a lot of people do.

I just don’t understand why this is sick an issue for you - unless he is a low earner and that isn’t what you want (which is okay)

liamharha · 17/03/2026 10:06

3 years isn't the end of the world .
I suppose you have extremely different views tho regarding finances which might be a problem.

RealEagle · 17/03/2026 10:27

You pay him rent ,he clears his debts quicker SORTED

Badbadbunny · 17/03/2026 10:54

YANBU. For a successful long term relationship, you both need to be on the same page in all aspects. Financially, you're not. It's entirely up to you whether it's a deal breaker/red line.

It probably would be for me. But I'd need to know what the two £15k loans were for. I'd also be thinking whether his car finance was a necessity, i.e. for an affordable/realistic car, or whether he was constantly leasing a "billy big bollocks" car to make himself look big! I'd basically be re-evaluating his entire personality/attitude/etc.

If the two loans were for "genuine" reasons, i.e. necessary home improvements required upon buying his home AND his car was a realistic/average one, then maybe I'd be able to work with it, but I'd also want to satisfy myself that when he'd paid off the loans, he wasn't just going to splurge again, getting into more debt etc. Likewise, I'd want to satisfy myself he didn't have other debt, i.e. credit cards he wasn't paying off in full every month, etc.

I absolutely abhor debt. It can ruin your life. Fair enough when it's absolutely essential, i.e. a mortgage or a loan for a new roof for your house or a new boiler, etc., but I couldn't be involved with someone who gets into debt for things that aren't necessary, i.e. holidays, a car beyond their needs, hobbies, etc.

Yes, I've had "debts", mainly our mortgage which we paid off in full after five years, and a couple of times we've had zero percent car finance, (but we had the money to buy outright, so we could pay off the loan immediately had we wanted to, but stupid not to benefit from zero percent interest whilst earning interest ourselves!), and once when I was on the bones of my arse earning a pittance and trying to finance my own accountancy studies, I put some study books on my credit card knowing I couldn't pay it off in full, so I paid half and the rest the following month, incurring a few pounds interest which I really, really hated, but it was a necessity and well controlled. The only time I'd ever not paid my credit card in full.

Luckily (well not really as I wouldn't have chosen him otherwise), my DH was exactly the same, so we were on the same page from the day we met. He never had any debt either, in good control of his money, etc. My previous only serious boyfriend was the opposite, and it really changed my opinion of him as soon as I found out, so we only lasted a few weeks - he had loads of maxed out credit cards and store cards, paying off the minimum only every month, and spending like there was no tomorrow buying rounds of drinks for people he didn't know, throwing clothes away rather than washing them, he was "into" photography and must have had a dozen cameras, etc. Just sheer spending with no thought about the debt he was wracking up nor how he'd ever pay it down.

My elder brother was the same, drowning in debt with nothing to show for it, and I think that's why I am the way I am. He'd leave his card statements, bank loan statements, etc lying around and I could see the interest and charges being added and it almost made me sick. Likewise he had barely nothing tangible to show for it, but loved the attention of constantly changing his cars, designer clothes, throwing money at his latest hobby so he had the biggest/best at whatever club/society he'd joined. It was all attention seeking. Sad really. He's retired now, still in enormous debt, living in a tiny squalid house that is in a terrible state, lived his life just robbing Peter to pay Paul to service his card debts, loans, overdraft, etc., all despite having a well paid career. Literally nothing to show for it. He'll have paid tens, if not hundreds of thousands in interest and debt charges, and all he has is a house full of old junk, dozens of electronic keyboards, dozens of computers, (all covered in dust), half a dozen clapped out old cars in his drive and front garden. So, so, sad, all because he couldn't control nor manage himself financially.

Badbadbunny · 17/03/2026 10:58

@Bellyblueboy

As a doctor, depending on how many years you have been practicing, you will earn in the six figures. You will still likely need a mortgage? And maybe a loan at some stage of you want to do renovations. I assume you will never buy a car in finance - but a lot of people do.

The OP says basically "all" his money is going on the debts, car, mortgage etc., meaning not being able to save etc. That's a problem, especially for someone working and earning decent money.

I'd hazard a guess that if and when the OP gets a house, car etc., she won't be "maxing" out getting the biggest house/mortgage and most expensive car she can afford leaving nothing left over.

Most people, especially decent earning professionals, don't "max out". They take on controlled debt, at the same time as being able to keep/add savings.

Sensible people, when budgeting, if they came out with a "spare" £500 per month, wouldn't spent it ALL on a car lease. They'd get a lease (if they wanted to go down that route, many don't) for maybe £300-£400, still get a decent car, but also plenty left over for savings/unexpected expenses.

sunsetsites · 17/03/2026 11:02

Badbadbunny · 17/03/2026 10:58

@Bellyblueboy

As a doctor, depending on how many years you have been practicing, you will earn in the six figures. You will still likely need a mortgage? And maybe a loan at some stage of you want to do renovations. I assume you will never buy a car in finance - but a lot of people do.

The OP says basically "all" his money is going on the debts, car, mortgage etc., meaning not being able to save etc. That's a problem, especially for someone working and earning decent money.

I'd hazard a guess that if and when the OP gets a house, car etc., she won't be "maxing" out getting the biggest house/mortgage and most expensive car she can afford leaving nothing left over.

Most people, especially decent earning professionals, don't "max out". They take on controlled debt, at the same time as being able to keep/add savings.

Sensible people, when budgeting, if they came out with a "spare" £500 per month, wouldn't spent it ALL on a car lease. They'd get a lease (if they wanted to go down that route, many don't) for maybe £300-£400, still get a decent car, but also plenty left over for savings/unexpected expenses.

It doesn’t actually sound like all his money goes on debt at all though as OP makes it clear they go out to dates at restaurants and drinks etc.
She’s not worried about him not saving enough when she’s also saying he should be treating her to more fully paid dates.

BudgetBuster · 17/03/2026 11:41

Badbadbunny · 17/03/2026 10:58

@Bellyblueboy

As a doctor, depending on how many years you have been practicing, you will earn in the six figures. You will still likely need a mortgage? And maybe a loan at some stage of you want to do renovations. I assume you will never buy a car in finance - but a lot of people do.

The OP says basically "all" his money is going on the debts, car, mortgage etc., meaning not being able to save etc. That's a problem, especially for someone working and earning decent money.

I'd hazard a guess that if and when the OP gets a house, car etc., she won't be "maxing" out getting the biggest house/mortgage and most expensive car she can afford leaving nothing left over.

Most people, especially decent earning professionals, don't "max out". They take on controlled debt, at the same time as being able to keep/add savings.

Sensible people, when budgeting, if they came out with a "spare" £500 per month, wouldn't spent it ALL on a car lease. They'd get a lease (if they wanted to go down that route, many don't) for maybe £300-£400, still get a decent car, but also plenty left over for savings/unexpected expenses.

If the OP bothered to contribute properly to her living arrangements (in his mortgaged house) then maybe he could save more

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 17/03/2026 11:44

BudgetBuster · 17/03/2026 11:41

If the OP bothered to contribute properly to her living arrangements (in his mortgaged house) then maybe he could save more

is there another thread? How do you know they live together?

BudgetBuster · 17/03/2026 11:46

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 17/03/2026 11:44

is there another thread? How do you know they live together?

Yes, another thread. Previous posters have linked it earlier. I'm not sure how to link l, sorry.

AnAppleAWeek · 17/03/2026 12:04

I am an avid saver and have worked so hard to get out of my working class background (I am a Dr now).

😂

sunsetsites · 17/03/2026 12:12

AnAppleAWeek · 17/03/2026 12:04

I am an avid saver and have worked so hard to get out of my working class background (I am a Dr now).

😂

An avid saver who has only just started being able to save because her bf doesn’t charge rent or much bills.