AIBU? Costings and date nights

[ForLuckyReader]

I’ll stick to the facts.
— I (28) have been living with DP (32) for about 8 months now. He owns the home via mortgage which he has had for 5 years.
— I pay half of bills which is £150 per month — I pay half of food shop which is £200 a month - 70% of which is food for DP.

DP never offers to pay for a date night, ever. It’s always split on Monzo - everything from coffee to a meal. I want to be taken out once in a while. It gives me the ick.

AIBU

This set up wouldnt be for me because i'm a generous person but you arent getting a "bad deal" here...you have a very good one

Honestly you are basically living at home with your parents with zero rent and should have saved 10k or so already by living with him for 8 months. This assumes you havent been paying any rent to him or buying things for you both when out (which i would because again its the decent thing to do if someone wont accept rent... I do it if i stay with a relative for a fee nights)
I dont know students with costs this low.

If you like him otherwise.... I would just put all joint expenses on a separate card of yours. Ie. You buy all joint outings and invoice him half at month end.
It removes the absolutely vagina shrivelling "you owe me £3.65" ick ....q

Tbh he’s probably expecting you to treat him
he’s saving you at least £500 a month in rent
thats 6k a year at least

Why aren’t you buying him a drink or meal sometimes given you’re living mortgage / rent free?

For those that haven't, seen the linked thread from same poster yesterday - the BF is in debt and the poster is a well earning doctor.

To the OP if you are looking for an excuse to leave then just leave him. I wouldn't want a long term relationship with someone in debt either.

Please don't try and push him beyond his means 'for love' though or leave him out of pocket when you go by not paying share of bills. It's not fair.

She pays £150 for bills. She’s already leaving him out of pocket.

Then get out.

So you are living rent free @ForLuckyReader ?

This is fine for now, but he owns the house. If you see your future with him and kids you need to be contributing to the house and mortgage so you aren’t shafted if you split.

God how grabby, imagine wanting to live somewhere for free, and thinking it’s your right, as he owns the house, and not contributing. Do you think the same of any one who owns a house, like landlords, you should be able to just front up and live there just paying utilities etc,

and do you ever take him out. Pay for him as way of thank you for letting you live in his home.

Exactly this. Your outgoings are so low; I hope you are saving to invest in your own property given how much money you musr have spare

You wouldn’t run for tne hills If a bloke moved in, didn’t want to pay any rent, and expected you to pay to take him out.

right.

Do you, every ow and again take him on a date where you foot the whole bill. If the answer is no, then why do you expect him to do it.
It should be split 50/50

If you grew up in poverty, how did you train to become a Dr debt free OP?

Genuine question from someone who had to work to live so couldn’t afford to study.

You might need to go to some of Op's other threads to get more background about her situation.

Given the other post about his debt,what do you expect? He might have money to treat you (how often do you treat him?) if you paid some rent to him.

I'm surprised the bills are so low. Ours are around £600 pcm.

I'd say £500 would be closer to your share of household expenses even if you don't want to pay rent. Then he might have some spare cash.

How is it stingy, she's paying £350 a month the live at his, that seems low and below half of standard outgoings, council tax, gas, electric, water, internet/phone/TV, food, TV license, food etc.
She isn't paying rent.
It should be her paying for the dates of anything

This sounds really grim, I couldn’t deal with it! Even if I go out with a friend I’m more than happy to get them a coffee, can’t imagine asking for their half sending on Monzo!

I feel mixed about this. On the one hand, you’re living there for nearly no money. On the other hand, I’d hate the splitting everything 50:50. It gives me the ick too. But I don’t ask friends to split the cost, I’d rather be the generous one and buy coffee/lunch etc.

I’d want to move out, pay my own way for living expenses, then probably decide I don’t like his stinginess.

Because of this you are saving a huge chunk each month by not paying any rent.
Regardless of all that why do you expect him to take you out and pay the full bill if you don’t, and don’t intend, to do the same for him?

It sounds like he has some resentment that you’re not contributing more - hence sending you the monzo requests .
You’re a cocklodger in female form - whatever that word is ?!

You are the one who should be treating him to date nights as a thank you for his generosity! Stop being so entitled!

Yes the ick from me. I’m a lot lot older and I still feel this is very unattractive in a man. Sorry I’m old fashioned in that way and sending a Monzo request for half a drink is showing tight vibes. You pay your way and would I suspect buy drinks and food anyway without the 50/50 expectation. If he is in debt do you think he might be using you to share costs on his house he has had for 4 years and 4 months before you arrived when he’s now in debt. You won’t have any claim on the house so are you saving for your own deposit on a house (I do hope so) otherwise you might be a convenient lodger? Do you both see a future with eachother?

I don’t seem to be able to search by user.

I asked that last night. Must be the only completely debt free newly qualified doctor in the country

I think you are right not to pay for the mortgage. I think he is mean with money and that’s very off putting. He sounds like one of these men that will expect you to pay half the bills when you are on maternity leave. People have very different set ups - some couples split everything (regardless of salary) others split based on proportion of salary, others put all into one pot. The advice you get here might be from someone with any of the above setups so not unbiased. Work out what you think is right and if you don’t align then have a chat and take it from there, but often it’s a big thing to overcome - good luck. FYI myself and husband have one pot, no him money/my money and he is a much higher earner. My parents were also like this - my mother was a SAHM and father always said we both work and all money shared. This is why I think your BF is tight. I also lived with hubby and did not pay his mortgage and after about 1.5 years when we decided to take relationship further we both went on deeds and I became 50% owner of house. I did not want to pay for someone else’s property.