AIBU to want my adult son to keep caring for me?

[Tessy1965998]

I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year. I live my son who is in his mid-thirties. He moved away for uni and spent some time abroad in his 20s, but aside from that we have always lived together. We cared for my mother, his grandma, together for a few years before she died. Since my cancer diagnosis, my son has been taking excellent care of me. He has a girlfriend and I think that they might decide to live together soon, but where does that leave me. I divorced my son’s dad and our relationship was always pretty toxic, so it’s pretty much just been me and my son.

Am I unreasonable to think that my health comes first and that my son should stay put and care for me until I’m better instead of just moving out with his girlfriend? He hasn’t mentioned moving out and has mentioned getting some external professional care support, but I don’t want that.

Massively unreasonable yes. It's his decision and quite honestly its better for his relationship and mental health to get professional care for you. No parent should expect this ... visiting often, taking to docs etc. Sure but caring ? No...

OP, you have been very lucky to have had your son for support for so long, and I can imagine that you feel you need to continue to have this with your illness, which I’m sure is daunting. But kindly, your son has done more than enough, he can’t be (& perhaps shouldn’t have been for some long) your support forever. Hes not a partner or a carer and at 30, he needs his own life and to plan his own future.
I’m sure he will be around to help with some things, and that’s something you both have to discuss, but to expect him to put his life on hold for longer whilst he supports you, I’m sorry but that isn’t fair at all.

There is support available out there, and whilst it may not be your first choice it’s still an option that should be (very) seriously considered so you can get options in place.
Dont make him feel obliged or guilty.

I wish you well x

I do understand why you want your DS there, but you are severely underestimating the impact, stress and psychological strain it takes to care for a family member.

Combine that with working full-time, having a serious girlfriend, and being an age where independence, freedom and socialising are very important........it is unsustainable to do it all.

He is likely very stressed already with your prognosis and caring for you, but puts on a strong front for you. The fact that he has suggested external help is him saying it's too much.

I saw that you stated children caring for parents is expected in your culture, but if he is the only one that can care for you, that is a huge amount of pressure.

Of course, with your diagnosis you want him close, its security and familiarity.

As his mother, would you be happy knowing that caring for you may affect his job/career, relationship and isolation from friends? I would ask to to be completely honest about how he feels to care for you, give him a few days to think about it himself and respond. He will not want to upset you and from your OP, it doesnt sound like he wouldnt abandon you.

I wish you all the best in your treatment.

I’ll be pushing my daughter out the door. Go and live your life. Drop me in a bottle of wine and a chippy tea if you’re nearby.

There's no need for that. Please remember you are responding to a very poorly person who is having to contend with a huge battle. Definitely disagree (I do too) but please do it kindly.

It's not independence if your son has to help you go to the toilet. I'd rather paid help do that for me than make my child do it. Keep your relationship as nice things, as nice as you can anyway, so he has good positive memories of you

Yabu. Adults social services can help you. You can get a stair lift. He could be working towards a serious relationship & having kids, surely he can't do that if he's caring for you. Speaking a someone who is disabled, my kids aren't my carers & never will be. I also value my independence. SS can help you stay independent for as long s possible

You’re projecting here. OP has asked a sensible question about something she is likely to have to face. It doesn’t mean she is t reading the rest - she has acknowledged what people have said.

I don’t think this is the right place for this thread as @Tessy1965998 needs the understanding and advice, which she’s getting, but not the rather unhelpful and nasty responses alongside those.

What about your son’s independence?

I don’t understand how having your son help you on the toilet is more independent than having trained carers do it.

It does sound like your independence means the loss of his. I think you should get some professional help and allow this great young man his own independence and a full life and allow him to be your son.

Firstly I'm sorry to hear of your cancer diagnosis. I mean this from a good place but please let your son move on with his life. I cared for my parents for five years and it broke me. The first thing I said to my son at the time is that I never ever would expect him to do that for me. I'll put myself in a home first. Please reconsider what you are expecting him to do.

I am so sorry you are facing this. It must be incredibly difficult. I completely understand your instinct to want your son there. I really do.

Whilst I did instinctively vote 'YABU' - I actually don't think you are. If I were you, I'd be frightened and worried. I'd want someone that I loved by my side. (I think most people would.)

You can't stop your son living his life (and I don't think you'd want to). I think you just want comfort in this time, having given the same to him. Ultimately, this is therefore his choice. If he chooses to stay, that is one thing. If he chooses otherwise, you will have to accept it and make decisions from there.

Best of luck (and un-mumsnetty hugs x)

My young daughters had to do stuff for their dad that no daughter should have to do. And that must have been difficult for him, too. But he wanted to be at home to the end and we wanted to do that for him.

But do you really want your son to be doing your toileting and all over washing, @Tessy1965998 ? Do you want to put him through that? Even though there were three of us at home to care for my DH, we still left the majority of his personal care to the carers who came in. It was basically mainly overnight where the girls and I took turns to do shifts and had to manage toileting and dealing with his stoma bag.

I'm sorry for your diagnosis, but you can not expect your son to put his life on hold for you. That's incredibly selfish. It's not his fault you and his father split up. You have to find another way to get care, set your son free ...he has his own life to lead

Personally I would never expect or want my kids to stop living thier lives to care for me.

I am currently in remission, I did not and would not ask any of my four children to look after me.

I’m sorry you are sick. Is your cancer terminal? How long do you have left? I think a little differently to most on here in that, if you won’t live much longer then I don’t think it’s unreasonable to hope your child that you have allowed to live in your home well past the age you would expect them to will look after you. If we’re talking more than a year or two then yes, it’s unreasonable.

The irony that you value your independence but don’t want your son to have any is hilarious.

honestly I’d prefer paid care to family for personal help. Your poor son.

That’s something your son has to decide for himself OP. I do think some of the other posters were too harsh though. A lot of people seem to recoil in horror at the idea of caring for someone or putting anything above their own enjoyment. I think it's great that your son is so supportive and caring. But at the same time, it’s not fair to expect him to care for you full time when you have other options, as that quickly leads to burnout. Like most things, it's good to have a balance. If you could get carers in part time to give your son a break, that would be much better for him. I would also definitely see if you can get any equipment that can help you in the house.

I am probably in the minority here. You mention you have plenty of space. If the girlfriend moved in with you it would save them a lot of money in rent. There would be some quid pro quo in that case (free rent in exchange for caring for you). Do you get along well with the girlfriend? Is she comfortable around you?

I am so sorry for what you are going through OP. I hope you make a full recovery.

Why do you want your son to ruin the best years of his life hauling you to the toilet?

You’ve taken more than enough time already.

Some parents would be ashamed. Then again, some parents love their kids and don’t see them as unpaid staff.

Do you have any inkling at all that the woman you’re talking to has terminal cancer ? Agree or disagree by all means, but OP is clearly very unwell, facing some truly dreadful treatment, and very scared/worried for the future, and this level of nastiness is totally uncalled for. Some posters would be ashamed.

Do you think it changes things at all that he’s benefitted from reduced price accommodation until he’s in his 30’s though? He’s probably saved himself tens of thousands of pounds. I don’t know, it does seem selfish at face value but she’s allowed him to stay for a long time and she’s not asking for a massive amount if it’s only for the chemo period.

OP I feel for you, really. But it isn't fair for him to put his life on hold when he has already done that for quite some time. I was carer for my mum in my late teens and early 20s and she wpuld no doubt have described me in similar ways - as her 'rock' etc through divorce, bereavement and serious ill health. But the cost to me at a young age was immense. She died when I was 21 and I do not regret or resent any of the time I spent caring for her. At the same time I am 💯 sure that had she lived longer i would not have the life I have now. I would have been expected to put my life on hold for as long as was required and would have had to stay in a low wage job, in my small hometown. I would not have made use of any of the opportunities I know deep down my mum wanted for me before her illness took over. It would have had long term consequences for my life and not positive ones. Caring for our parents as they get older is important, but the natural order is that children are able to fly the nest and have their own families too. Sounds like your son has done his time. Let him be your emotional support as much as he can, and allow someone else to do the legwork so he can have some independence.

Its great that you have a son there for support, but to want him for personal care is really asking way too much

You are not keeping your independence relying on your son to get you to the toilet. You already need help. And sorry for the bluntness , being guided to the toilet soon becomes needing help removing underwear and wiping - do you want your son to do that?

Ive been a carer for the past 20 years - Im 62 and finally have my home back - I buried step dad in 2011 and mum last week Me and DH were their support system, they lived with us but were independent , and we were there as they aged and could no longer cope with running a home themselves. I did washing cooking cleaning. We had to live our lives as being 20 years older , as we had to live to their wants and needs

Mums death was quick, 4 weeks from admission, possible bowl obstruction - turned out her bladder cancer which had been managed for 15 years had exploded and had invaded bowel , uterus, ovaries and just about every where . She was on a catheter and driver within a week and in a nappy after 10 days - still they were arranging her discharge to us and I had to hold my ground and say not a mission without 2 carers 4 times a day as well as community and Macmillan. I buried her last Thursday, the Thursday previous I had community saying they had the air bed for her and when would they deliver !!

There was not a hope in hell, with all the will in the world, could I have taken care of her at home , I am half her size and weight, I couldn't have supported her standing Even the Physio at the hospital had stopped working with her to keep her mobile for discharge as she was too poorly

Im not saying your prognosis is going to end up in death, but your treatment is not going to be easy and you will have "accidents" there will be times when you cant even hold a glass - do you want your son to be the one who puts his life on hold to do that for you?