AIBU to want my adult son to keep caring for me?

[Tessy1965998]

I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year. I live my son who is in his mid-thirties. He moved away for uni and spent some time abroad in his 20s, but aside from that we have always lived together. We cared for my mother, his grandma, together for a few years before she died. Since my cancer diagnosis, my son has been taking excellent care of me. He has a girlfriend and I think that they might decide to live together soon, but where does that leave me. I divorced my son’s dad and our relationship was always pretty toxic, so it’s pretty much just been me and my son.

Am I unreasonable to think that my health comes first and that my son should stay put and care for me until I’m better instead of just moving out with his girlfriend? He hasn’t mentioned moving out and has mentioned getting some external professional care support, but I don’t want that.

I'm so sorry to hear this @AnImmenseDislikeOfPeople but maybe have a scroll through the elderly parents board and see how difficult it is for children when their parents refuse outside care, and how the advice is generally that the elderly person has to accept it if they need the care, as it isn't up to their child to give up their life. You risk pushing your son away for good if you carry on with 'only you can care for me'. I hope your treatment goes well but try and put yourself in his shoes. At that age, would you have wanted to move in with and care for your mother in law?

Stop saying I wish he would stay put, and set your son free OP, you’re just constantly loading him with guilt for going.
Start today, change your mindset, and think of him and his partner, they have their whole lives ahead, building a home, having children.
Give the gift of a happy fulfilled future for the son that you claim to love. You have done all of these things and now it’s his time.
Please stop being so needy, greet his future plans with a smile and encouragement, start making the arrangement for carers tomorrow, you must be pro active in this or you will be constantly making him feel guilty for going.
Don’t ruin his life, is that what you really want your legacy to him to be.

It’s not healthy for you to see your son as your rock and for you to be so reliant on him.

He probably feels extreme guilt for wanting to live his own life and make choices for him knowing that you have such dependence on him.

He can still support and care for you whilst also living his own life and you’re being extremely unfair saying you don’t want professional help in the home as this just puts all the pressure on him.

You say you’re very independent but your posts beg to differ and it seems you lean on your son an extremely unhealthy amount.

If you love him you should let him go and live his own life because the way you’re treating him right now isn’t loving. It’s controlling and heavy with emotional blackmail. Have you ever stopped to think about how he truly feels?

I hope you give the big C a kick up the arse and recover well. I'm so sorry you are in this situ. But I think YABU to expect this - your son may have had enough caring for everyone. Sadly if you don't survive and he chooses not to care for you he will live with that decision.

Have to agree with this.

I'm sorry you're having to go through such a tough time OP, but your son shouldn't be shouldering all your physical and emotional care. He isn't your husband/partner!

The way you talk, reminds me of my own DM. She always tramples boundaries and has a 'but what about me!' attitude which feels so incredibly oppressive and is really selfish. As a consequence I am riddled with anxiety, low level depression and live with fear, obligation and guilt 24/7 because I've put my own DH and DC ahead of her. As a result of my DMs behaviour, my DB has nothing to do with her now (gone NC), so please don't be 'that' mum.

I hope your treatment is successful and you make a full recovery to enjoy future years with, what sounds to be a lovely DS and future DIL. 💐

"I have taken care of him his whole life and could really use the support now."

That's not how parenting works. Taking care of him is the bare minimum of parenting. Not something to be banked and pulled out when you need care yourself. It must be difficult to be in your position, but where is your care for him now?

I was my father's carer when he was had cancer. I have a medical background and was able to laugh when he couldn't get to the commode fast enough and ended up shitting all over me. I wasn't upset by the smells and the medications and the dressing changes. But what was terrifying to me was the overwhelming need he had for the security of me being there. To watch my 'rock' turn into a frightened child - that was traumatic.

I would never want that for my son, or for myself. Getting professional carers will allow you to keep your dignity in a way that using your son as care will not do.

Op i mean this kindly but you dont know what will happen my dad was given afew years and he had 10 but deterioratedover time, he had carers in until he went to a care home before he passed away. Your son is mid thirties he wants to settle down get married and have children he cannot put his life on hold. You need to find support and access the necessary services.

Yes I agree.

Oh my darling. I mean this in the most kind and gentle and loving way. You need help with the stairs and the toilet; who you receive that help from does not make you any more or any less independent.

Ask your GP surgery for a Occupational Health visit to review your home for any assistance aids that may help you. Things like grab handles and a raised toilet seat with arms, and a walking frame with a bucket you can carry things in are the things that are going to make a difference to how independent you can be in your own home, rather than the technicality of who helps you. You may also find it useful to browse a mobility shop's catalogue, and see if there are any aids that you didn't know existed but you think might be useful to you. There are long handled aids that help people to wipe after using the loo, for example.

I understand it must be extremely scary for you and you want familiarity. However, your son is in his 30's, don't you think he deserves a life of his own? He's already helped you care for his grandmother but you are expecting him to care for you solo. That's a huge amount of strain on one person, especially one who (I assume) works full-time. You may not want external help, but for your son's sake, you need to accept it. He will burn out very quickly, if he's trying to juggle too much. What would happen then, if your son becomes unwell himself, due to the pressure on him, and he couldn't care for you???

100%% agree. Son was turned into a surrogate partner.

Agree if they are l mid 30’s want to buy a home, get married and have babies they don’t have the time to wait till you’ve finished chemo for him to move out and finally start living his life.

Also as much as you want him to help you, what about his feelings for having to be the one helping you bathe and toilet?

He already gave up most of his younger years helping your mother and then the help he has given you so far.

You birthed him and raised him and part of that job is to set them up to leave not keep the captive forever.

I do feel sorry for OP, but this thread has given an interesting insight into elderly DPs minds and how they justified taking so much help from us at vast detriment to our own jobs, lives and happiness.

Like OPs DS I suspect we hardly figured in the equation in their thoughts, except in terms of how much support they could extract from us to keep their “independence “.

In DPs case I have to forgive them because their reasoning could have been addled due to extreme old age and dementia.

But here OP I know what you’re facing is scary but do you really want your DS to continue being there knowing that you’re going to cause him to resent you possibly forever if he misses his chance to have a life partner and become a father to his own DC ?

Sorry you’re going through this, absolutely awful for you all.

I think it’s a lot for your son to take on, he’s still so young and has his own life too.
What are your sons thoughts on this, has he said he’ll be there and care for you even if he was to move out?

I would try to put in some outside support, home care etc to at least help with washing/getting dressed if you’re struggling with this(I’m not sure if you are?) .

Your son sounds like he isn’t just going to abandon you but maybe some outside resources could just take the pressure off him slightly and make you feel a bit more in control too.

It sounds like you have a very close relationship with him OP so there’s nothing that would suggest that he would abandon you just because he’s finally ready to settle down. If he’s cared for multiple family members before you then he obviously has a sense of duty but also a desire to help family in need.

You may be surprised how comfortable you feel with outside carers. Finding the right one is important though, could your son help you interview some (if you’re going private) and make sure your needs are advocated for? It doesn’t sound like he wants to drop you and run away, so involving him in the process of finding the right care team would be appropriate. You may find having external carers actually gives you a better sense of independence.

I'm a son, who cared for my dad through dementia, at the cost of a career and a relationship - and now care for my mum, whilst juggling work and life with a wonderful lady.

I'm going to take the opposite view, you only get one mum and dad, hopefully they are good parents and put a huge amount into raising us, we should then give back when they need us.

I hopefully have decades ahead to do whatever I want - as for jobs and relationships, well they can come and go, they are unpredictable, you only get one mum.

I would say he should stay put and care for you after chemo before moving out - he can move out and still care if needed.

Your son has already dedicated a huge chunk of his life to caring, it's really cruel to expect more. Let him actually live his life and have a family of his own.
As sad as it is that you're unwell, that's not fair to put it on him. Truly. Don't make him feel guilty. He's clearly a wonderful son and has done more than he ever should have.

I really hope you're not guilt tripping him with all this 'stay put' rhetoric.
It's time for him to live his life.

I am so sorry you are going through this and I wish you a speedy recovery.

However, your son should be encouraged to move on with his life - he’s mid thirties after all.

He’s been your support for all
these years and I am guessing that he is treated, by you, like a pseudo husband but that isn’t healthy.

I am of the mind that a mother should always be a mother - we are there to support our children, as our mothers were hopefully there to support us. I don’t want my child to have to bear my grief or my pain, even when they are into adulthood. I have friends who, when I express this, say ‘but how then is your relationship authentic’ ? I reply that it is - it’s an authentic parent /child relationship.

It is your time to be supported, yes, but it sounds like you have needed a lot of support over the years and this can be stifling for an adult child

You don’t have decades though @DeftWasp . Life is now and you can’t make up for what’s lost during your 20s and 30s.
Kudos to you for looking after your parents so well but the OPs son is at crucial time when it’s a case of now or never when it comes to relationships and children, he should feel free to push on whilst still helping to care for the OP. I’d want carers and my DC having oversight but not my care completely engulfing their lives

He doesn't have to choose one or the other, his girlfriend can move in, have a child or two there. or he can move out, nearby and hybrid organising paid carers to be with his mum some of the time but still being in overall charge of the situation.

Who knows what lies ahead for any of us, but at mid 40's I'd like to hope I've got a few decades left to go, which will be my time.

Yes there is. Because before she was ill herself she had him caring for her mother too. Sounds like he’s been caring for years. Bless him.
Totally selfish and unfair on your son OP. You don’t want carers because you value your independence. Well you’re not are you.
And ideally his girlfriend should move in too. To care for you as well? Really?!

Your first sentence was going to be my first sentence. OP. I find your comment about timing quite hard although I am sure you didn't mean it that way. Have I had experience of giving a loved one end of life care at home? Yes I have so yes I know what i am talking about even though it wasn't a parent. I have done parental care too but as a shared time with siblings and none of us lived at home with that parent. I repeat @Tessy1965998 stop this now.

No to this. Just no.

No I hope the op realises the ds needs to love his life. Mid-thirties is already a long stretch and he needs to be encouraged to go.