AIBU to want my adult son to keep caring for me?

[Tessy1965998]

I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year. I live my son who is in his mid-thirties. He moved away for uni and spent some time abroad in his 20s, but aside from that we have always lived together. We cared for my mother, his grandma, together for a few years before she died. Since my cancer diagnosis, my son has been taking excellent care of me. He has a girlfriend and I think that they might decide to live together soon, but where does that leave me. I divorced my son’s dad and our relationship was always pretty toxic, so it’s pretty much just been me and my son.

Am I unreasonable to think that my health comes first and that my son should stay put and care for me until I’m better instead of just moving out with his girlfriend? He hasn’t mentioned moving out and has mentioned getting some external professional care support, but I don’t want that.

Incredibly selfish! Mid 30’s and still living at home - give him a break and let him live his life! He can care for you from a distance and coordinate carers etc but to ask him to put even more of his life on hold is incredibly unreasonable!

I think this is a helpful and kind response.

Also OP don't see it as black and white, he'll still love you, he'll still be there for you from the sounds of it, he'll just be able to live his own life with there being other help for you also. He must get that, he can never get his young life back, he must get on and live his life, but doing so doesn't necessarily mean abandoning you, you'll still have your DS and he'll still love you from what you've said, I'm sure. You don't want your DS to reach 50 and wonder where his life went until that point. I wish you all the best with your treatment and wish you well.

I’m only 60, so didn’t expect to be so incapable at this age it’s devastating. I’ve spoken with my son, he and his girlfriend want to buy a home together this year and my son wants to propose. They are both mid thirties and want to have children so I understand that they need to move forward. And they have said that they will look for a place close by so he can continue helping me.

I’m obviously delighted for them, but the timing is not ideal. My chemo should have taken 3 months, but there have been delays so I don’t know how long it will take. I just wish that he could just stay put until at least the chemo is done and I see where we’re at

If they're mid thirties and want to have children, no, they can't put life on hold for you. Your treatment isn't going to be over in a few months. You're (hopefully) in for the long haul. To ask them to be available to you in the height of their relationship and in the last available fertile period for her, is absolutely not on.

I know it's hard, and I suspect that a lot of people on this thread saying "I'd never expect this if my children" might find that they feel quite different should they ever be unfortunate enough to find themselves in your position. Or at least might wish that their child could support then, even if they wouldn't ask it.

But you're being unfair. Your son and his girlfriend need to progress their relationship and their baby-making time.

And where may you be at?

If you are in a worse position health wise then you are right now - what then for him?

I get that you are scared and dont know what's coming, but please please please dont ask you son to put his life on hold for yours Let him move forward . He will be there for you, but from my own experience I lost a lot of good times with my mother, as I resented her need for me when I so wanted to move on with my life.

Hello,

I can’t imagine how scared you must feel. But I did find this paragraph unsettling

He has been an absolute rock for me over some very difficult times, the death of my parents, divorce and now this. He keeps my spirits up and provides a lot of emotional support.

You are describing parentification, which can be very damaging.

When parents rely on their child too much,
it often creates an unhealthy dynamic known as parentification, where roles are reversed and the child provides emotional or practical support the parent should handle. This "enmeshment" removes boundaries, causing the child to feel overwhelmed, develop anxiety, or lose their childhood/own life priorities, as they prioritise the parent's needs over their own development.

Do you think getting in torch with some support groups either in person or online could help?

You really need to let him go with a clear conscience.
He can't be your carer.
It's selfish of you.

You need another plan,OP. It's a hard time for you but nonetheless, you need to make better plans.

If there is professional support could that mean better practical care for you, and more enjoyable times for you with your son, preserving the great relationship you have with him, whether he’s living with you or not.

https://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/

Join a forum like this, OP. There's other people who have been there, are there, just like you. It's a scary time for you. Your son isn't going to abandon you but be proactive too, help yourself as well. A big hug for you. Walk forward

Your son's fiancee-to-be is in her mid-30s - they shouldn't postpone their plans if they want more than 1 child.

As to your independence, I'm surprised that you would rather your son help you with toileting and mobility than a professional carer.

I'm actually quite staggered at the naked self-centeredness of it all. I understand you're scared but you are literally asking him for to put his life on pause at a very critical stage that will determine his future.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but that is selfish.

It’s lovely that your son and partner have said that they would buy a home near to you. This should give you the impetus to start working out how you can adapt your current home. You said you had a high-powered job before so you’ve got the skills to sort this out apply to this new situation and you will impress and surprise yourself

Has anyone bothered to consider what the GF wants? If I had a boyfriend who suggested we move in with his DM so we could care for her I would be out the door and looking for another BF, the money we would be saving would be the last thing on my mind.

While that may sound selfish I have a friend who was stuck with caring for a very unpleasant MIL for several years. It was cruel and I wouldn't have put up with it. I'm not suggesting that OP is unpleasant, but it is a lot to expect someone to do for someone who isn't even a blood relative.

He has been an absolute rock for me over some very difficult times, the death of my parents, divorce and now this

Or to word it another way, you've spousified him. He shouldn't have had all those burdens, you should have turned to friends primarily. The fact you don't have a spouse isn't his fault or his problem. He didn't do the "in sickness and in health/for better for worse" thing with you, and as such he should be free to go live his own life.

Him and his girlfriend need to move in together (not with you, I'm sure she doesn't want to get sucked into being your carer either, just because she's there), establishing their relationship on a solid footing on neutral ground. Then I expect at their ages they'll be thinking about having children. At which point they'll be in need of support themselves for a while and maybe (depending on what other family are around) might not get that support. So if they end up coping with starting a family by themselves, I wouldn't expect them to be able to be hardly any support to you at that time.

Your expectations of your son are completely unrealistic. You need to start accepting help from professionals. Stop selfishly putting yourself at the centre of your son's life. His life should not revolve around you. Whatever help and support you gave him was called being a parent which is something you chose to do, it's not something he now owes you payback for. He didn't ask to be born.

I don't think it's a case of you being reasonable/unreasonable.
I haven't read the whole thread but it sounds like you're thinking about what might happen.
If I was in the position of your son, I'd want to be able to spend every moment I could with you given that you have a stage 4 diagnosis. And if I had a partner then I'd like to think they would support me in moving in with you and taking care of you.

But...I do think you're probably being unreasonable to not accept outside care.
For you and your son.
When it comes to palliative care they support the whole family and I would strongly recommend you look into it. X

I've just had a brief look at some of the replies to your post. And it makes me feel so sad. In your son's position I would happily have my life put on hold in order to spend more time with you. I'm in your son's position and would love to have more time with my dad because I know he's not going to be here soon.

It's so easy for other people to judge and say this, that and the other.

definitely unreasonable. Your poor son... he is a young adult man. Let him live his own life. Get your own carers.

Please stop this. We are in the same position. You don't need him (I'm shocked you're even bringing his GF into this), it's just what you want. He's done more than enough already. Can you not see you've turned him into a surrogate husband?
You don't sound like you care that he and his partner want to buy a home, marry and have DC. At 35 his partner's fertility is counting down quickly if they want more than one DC and want to marry first.
Take the outside help, enough with the selfishness. He's done more than enough and no doubt will always be there for you. Send him off with your blessing. You don't even know your prognosis, unfortunately I do.

The son and his gf are mid thirties and would like to start a family together - putting their life on hold at this stage may mean they can't have children or can't have more than one child.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position.

I think you do know, really, that your son can only do as much as he wants to do. He’s a good son, he’s not abandoning you, but he does want to take this step with his partner and I’m sure you want it for him too. It’s time for him to step back just a little.

I spent almost all of my twenties caring for a parent and I don’t recognise the bullshit that many posters are coming out with. I hadn’t ’failed to launch’ and my life certainly wasn’t on hold - this stuff IS life. You’re not infantilised because you have a caring role - quite the opposite. But no matter what stage of life, you can only be a carer to the extent you are willing and able to do so. It is ok to want to pull back a little.

I really wish you well OP.

I am sorry about your cancer. However you haven’t really been independent if your son had to prop you up all these years!
You said you have had a high paid role- use some of that moneu to buy in some support with what you need. And if you have several friends, they won’t mind helping as long as one person is not doing everything.

Sorry u are ill but this is not your son’s responsibility. He has already looked after your family his gran and he is only a young man. Let him live. He might be trying to put roots down now for when u are not here and trying to find his own way. You are being extremely selfish. Your son can fair enough make meals, do some cleaning etc but he should not be doing personal and intimate care, and he needs to work too. (Neither should a daughter have to do so either not just cos he is male) You need to get carers in, and let your sone have a life.