AIBU to want my adult son to keep caring for me?

[Tessy1965998]

I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year. I live my son who is in his mid-thirties. He moved away for uni and spent some time abroad in his 20s, but aside from that we have always lived together. We cared for my mother, his grandma, together for a few years before she died. Since my cancer diagnosis, my son has been taking excellent care of me. He has a girlfriend and I think that they might decide to live together soon, but where does that leave me. I divorced my son’s dad and our relationship was always pretty toxic, so it’s pretty much just been me and my son.

Am I unreasonable to think that my health comes first and that my son should stay put and care for me until I’m better instead of just moving out with his girlfriend? He hasn’t mentioned moving out and has mentioned getting some external professional care support, but I don’t want that.

I assume you've moved in with your dad and put your life on hold.
I refuse to let my adult DC care for me. Seeing them thrive is worth far more to me, knowing they'll be ok when I'm no longer here and I'm a fair bit younger than the OP and know how long they think I'll live. The OP is also refusing to find out her prognosis. She could live for many years. Do you think her DS should really potentially give up the chance to have DC?

Jesus Christ some of these responses.

The OP has shared that independence is a part of her identity that she feels is under threat from her metastatic cancer. And your response is to rubbish how independent she has been? I can’t fathom what you gained from this nasty jibe.

Unreasonable in every possible way. Let him go and don’t ever guilt him. If it was me I’d make damn sure he never knew how bad I got.

So what do you suggest Op? She should not let her child live his life and be her carer?

As someone who was in a similar position to your son having helped in caring for a grandparent and then a parent (although I did not live with my mum and she accepted professional carers), your precious time with your son should be spent as mother and son, not as caregiver and care receiver. Also surely there are aspects of personal care such as washing, dressing etc you wouldn't want him to help with?

So sorry to read about your illness OP. It must be scary. As a mum the same age do comfort yourself that whatever happens you have raised a lovely man who is caring and has a job and partner. That’s what we want for our children. It would be more worrying to think of potentially leaving him alone if he didn’t have these resources.

Sorry about your diagnosis. But let your son get on with his life. Sounds like he will be around to help even if he moves out.

if I were you, I think I would try and change your attitude and embrace this. Be part of his moving out. Help him choose stuff for his new place and engage with him and his girlfriend and get excited for them. Obviously you don’t know your prognosis, but wouldn’t it be nice to see a grandchild at some point in the near future if they go ahead and get on with married life?

Be part of the next phase of his life rather than trying to block it. That will bring rewards for both of you.

It's difficult to retain independence when you're very ill. You're not independent when your son cares for you. Get carers in and allow your son to live his life. Keep your relationship with your son happy not needy

Im really sorry to here of your illness,but I really think its so unfair that you expect your son to take care of you.Im disabled have 3 grown up sons how selfish would I be wanting them to care for me.They deserve there own lives and happiness,as harsh as i may sound i think your angry if he did choose to move out,please dont make it harder on your son,as you could loose him all together.Encourage him to go live his life with his gf and hopefully one day he will have a family of his own,which eould be wonderful having grandchildren.It sounds to me you are a little controlling did he have a choice to help you care for his grandmother?or was this just expected of him?I was 18yrs of age when I nursed my mum with cancer and had a new born at the time,but that was my choice not my mums,and let me tell you sumthink im 57yrs old and it still effects me to this day,sadly I lost my mum.Did you ever ask your son how helping careing for his grandmother effected him?I bet no to that one,dont ever think your son loves you any less for not wanting to care for you,if hes suggested outside help thats his way of gently breaking the news he cant do it.Allow and encourage him to live his life to the full hes so very young,my 3 grown up sons are fablous but I certainly dont expect anyone of them to be my carers.Take care

All of this.

OP stop being so bloody selfish!!!

I'm so sorry for your diagnosis. My DH has stage 4 cancer, thankfully now in remission. However we have been in the position of considering care options and I'm a spouse not a child.
My husband thought I was brilliantly supportive. The truth is I didn't cope anywhere near as well as my husband thought I was....I hid all my fear and toll it was taking on me. He has no idea of the stress, insomnia, panic attacks etc.
Active care duties and a full time job would not be compatible. Horrible as it was, if my DH had died, my career was what would pay the bills to keep DC with a roof over our heads. I realized at some point I might need professional carers because much as I love him, I couldn't sacrifice my career because we would have to go on living.
It's a really raw emotional time. My husband would get the rage and blow up over nothing......well not nothing he was scared of dying. As his wife I got it....we dealt with it. It's not the time to start living with someone new i.e sons girlfriend. Their relationship will be healthier if they have their own home.
Cancer can go in waves. My DH is on second round. It has taken about 18 months this time from diagnosis to remission. It's a rollercoaster and we are still in treatment. We will be for next 5 years and it could well come back. Cancer is part of our lives now. I don't think you can hold your son to it's just 6 months, it's just a year etc....there isn't a time frame. Cancer just does what it does.
It must be really, really scary but I think you need to start investigating getting some external help. I wish you luck with your treatment. But please let your son get on with the house, wedding, babies. He sounds like a good man.

Oh and for what it's worth I don't think you deserve the vitriol in the comments above. That's uncalled for.
Please can we remember that this is a woman who is sick and likely very scared. I'm sure posters can get their point across without needing to be so nasty about it.....

I just wish that he could just stay put until at least the chemo is done and I see where we’re at

But kindly, based on what you’ve said already OP, there’s always going to be something else you need from him. I know your perspective is currently clouded by your diagnosis and it’s very hard for you to see how (somewhat understandably) selfish you’re being, but you need to accept that your DS has his own life to lead and let him go. If that means accepting professional help then so be it, the very fact your DS is suggesting that in place of him staying as home to support you should tell you everything you need to know about how he’s feeling and you’re really not being fair to him.

I am sorry.

How much care do you actually need at the moment? It's lovely that your son does look after you but for him to do it alone is too much, he needs help. He deserves a life of his own.

I'm so sorry you're poorly but you never hold back your child's happiness and wellbeing for your own needs.

You need to encourage him to focus on his relationship and own life so he has something else besides you. Get external help and be happy for him.

I’m so sorry about your diagnosis and you must be very nervous about the chemo. Can you talk to macmillan or a therapist at the hospital ( macmillan would be quicker as you just phone and get put through to someone) about whats likely to happen with chemo? The unknown is often worse than the reality. Your son hasn’t moved yet and is staying near by and you’ll hopefully soon have a grandchild 😉
May I suggest you try the cancer forum on mumsnet? I think you’ll get more understanding and support there maybe.
Wishing you the very best and sending you a handhold during this difficult period.

Thank you for writing this. I am so ashamed to read such nasty, vicious and cruel comments. This has to be a new low for Mumsnet!

We all appreciate that the OP is going through a very bad time in her life.
However, the OP only has independence because her son is providing it.
OP, you son and his girlfriend need to move on with their lives. If they want to have a family then they need to start soon.
You are thinking after chemo. Then it will be when you feel better. It won’t stop.
you can’t use your son as your crutch.

DC should not be doing personal care for their parents. This is what professional services are available for. The support tour son should be giving you is a visit to have a cup of tea and a chat, maybe lifts to doctors or odd jobs.

Its actually awful saying you are unreasonable as you are so ill and even i feel guilty so goodness knows how you are making your son feel, but with each post you sound more and more unreasonable. You should never voice any of what you have said on here. Support him and tell him you are grateful for what he has done for you that you are happy he is wanting to do all the things he has said. Make sure you speak to the relevant people to get help at home.

What a wonderful son you have. I think he should continue being caring towards you but not for you, if that makes sense. He has a life to live. Accept some external support and make it easier for both of you.
I say this as someone who is a joint carer for someone who won’t accept any help. It’s hard, heartbreaking and can end up putting your life on hold in lots of ways. I luckily have family support hence joint carer, but if it’s just your son doing this, I’d say he’s done a fantastic job and let him enjoy his adult life now.
I do believe that children should care for us in some way if we’ve been good parents, because I think that is part of community, but not as full time carers, and not at the expense of living life.

Have you thought about a stair lift. You don’t need to buy one you can rent them and I believe are fairly cheap to do so.

Do you want your son to be guiltily looking forward to your death so he can be free and have a life ?

Because unless you change, thats what's going to happen. He is going to feel resentful of your demands and guilty for feeling like he will have a better life once you are gone.

After all the replies on this thread the only thing you latched onto was the possibility of being shown how to get him to feel better about carrying on caring for you.

Let him care about you, not for you, before he does neither.

“He has a girlfriend and I think that they might decide to live together soon, but where does that leave me”

OP, it leaves you as a parent who loves her DS enough to let him be free to lead his life as he wishes. Of course your son wants to move on with his life, especially as he and his GF are mid - thirties - surely you wouldn’t want to deprive him of his chance of being a parent? OP, let your son know you will manage, and get in some carers. Then look forward to your DS’s wedding and hopefully the arrival of grandchildren. He will love you so much more for this than being guilted into staying as an unwilling carer, and maybe losing his GF in the process. He has already done way more for you than you might reasonably expect - be grateful, and let him go with good grace.

If I was the gf there is no way I would be moving in with my bfs' mum to help him nurse her. Just wouldn't be happening.