AIBU to think parents decorating brother’s new house is overstepping?

[Firewizard]

I have my own views on this but am often shouted down and seen as weird so looking for outside opinions.

My brother is 31 and has recently moved house. He’s single but got a steady girlfriend he’s been with for a year or so. The house is a bit of a do-er upper so he has made a start with cleaning and some simple decorating.
My parents went to visit him last week to see the house for the first time. They have been decorating while he is at work all day and then goes to the gym or sees his girlfriend in the evening, doing tip runs and deep cleaning his appliances and flooring.

They were also very involved in the buying process, calling the solicitors and estate agents to chase them up. They said they were just helping as my brother is very busy at work during the day.

Is this normal family help or does this leak into the realms of overstepping? My brother is very happy for them to do this because he is quite lazy and it means he doesn’t have to do it!

As for the person who said you will all be overstepping too - my adult child is one of the independent ones. Doesnt have the sense to ask for help so we dont offer more than the occasional comment if they are making a very serious mistake. We've said nothing about less serious mistakes, it's their life and they live with the consequenceces.

OP you should perhaps consider whether your determination to go it alone is as beneficial as you think.

DD, 42 moved into her second house about 6 weeks ago, 50 miles away. We are both 72. She took a couple of weeks off, but we drive over most days for a couple of weeks, painting walls and ceilings, painting kitchen cupboards, laying a floor in one room, taking up and hanging curtains. She has also put a lot of effort in, and had tradesmen in too. Result is She now has a lovely house, still with loads to do, but comfortable. When DS moved into a new flat a couple of years back, DH helped with the painting. Why wouldn't you? The DS and DD chose colours etc, we were just the help. Be less keen if they were out gallivanting, but both work, and both did their share too.

It's normal parental behaviour where I come from

This has made me roar with laughter. Your brother is onto a winner. Had he been living at home beforehand? If yes you could read it as so desperate to be rid of him. My parents helped me decorate, but sadly I didn’t have anything like the service OP’s brother is getting.

It sounds like a bit of sibling jelousy going on. I'm sure if you asked your parents for help they would only be to happy to help you.

It's only overstepping if they was doing it against his wishes/without prior permission and he was upset about it. Don't get me wrong I'd not be impressed as I very much prefer to sort things myself but obviously your brother is a different person and if he's happy to let your parents do it let them crack on.

Firstly it’s none of your business and secondly, your brother is quite happy with the arrangement

They’ve babied him all his life so it’s just natural they continue. He is used to the dynamic, as are they. It’s not normal in general terms, but it’s normal for them.
do you mind that they do this or are you just asking in general?
it’s not normal but as long as nobody is offended / hurt / upset then let them be.

his GF may be in for a shock, though!!!!

My BIL is a manchild, mothered by his GF. This is due to my MIL being useless. He met this girl at 13 and she has mothered him ever since, with the approval of my MIL as it let her sit on her arse all day. He’s now 28 and it’s a very very sorry state to see. Still with the GF who still does EVERYTHING for him.

My parents helped me to do a lot when I lived alone, both in the house with decorating and especially in the garden. My DP helps out with his adult children’s homes and so do the parents of their spouses. I will do the same for my DS. This is completely normal family behaviour.

Minus the washing and cleaning, you are describing my brother. We joke he's spoiled but the reality is my parents are very generous and help each of us out in different ways.

My brother is married and his wife is very happy with the set-up. Maybe that makes him a man-child and her a woman-child?? I don't know. But I think once everyone directly involved (i.e. your parents, your brother, and his girlfriend or any potential future girlfriends) are all OK with it then fuck what everyone else thinks (including you!!). It works for them!

Your brother has a steady girlfriend for a year that you've never met??? Now that to me is what I would be worrying about!

I think as long as your brother is fine with your parents'involvement there's nothing to say 🤷🏼‍♀️ Some people love the proximity of their parents, others rather prefer to spread their wings and leave the nest. To each their own.

Im surprised at the responses. Helping with DIY is one thing but cleaning, ringing estate agents, solicitors, going to the recycling centre... all screams man-child to me.
Now that I think of it, when my DH bought the house we now live in he was early 20s and his father did all this. To this day my DH will do anything rather than ring up a tradesman or anyone to sort something. They always did it for him. Our 1 year old €1100 TV stopped working in Feb and he wanted to buy a new one rather than ring the shop where he bought it and get it repaired. He has no clue about most practical things required to maintain a home. So ... there are long term consequences of parents babying a son or daughter like this. Mostly their future spouses suffer the consequences.

And like you OP I bought my first flat with no help from anyone and get irrationally annoyed by adults that can't seem to do adult tasks by themselves.

I think this may have deep rooted issues with childhood. My brother was youngest and the only boy and not expected to do anything round the house. We all had it drummed in to work hard at school or get a job. He was asked to leave a private school due to behaviour. None of us got a chance for private school!

have you always just got on with things? Maybe your parents would help you more if you let them. You don’t have to be fiercely independent.

My parents and a grandparent helped me renovate my do er upper when I bought mine. I did however sort all the solicitors paperwork out, book trades etc, with guidance where needed. I was also on site most weekend's, often with my dad or mum. My grandparent gave me £10k deposit and my mum was guarantor. It was such a boost for me to get on the property ladder and now 20 years on the equity in that house contributed to what we have as a family now. It help secure me for my future, which is what they wanted. I do think that if hes not doing some of the work then he is taking advantage a bit and not using the time to learn for himself how to do things. He might be busy in the week but there are weekends. If your parents are happy to do it and don't feel this then maybe you need to try and ignore.

It wouldn't bother me tbh! I'd just be happy that he still had a loving relationship with his mum. I also wouldn't interfere in that relationship as long as they're both happy
To many men stop having a relationship with their parents when they get a GF.

My parents in law went into a new house we once bought and redecorated a room without asking us. Some of you have no idea what overstepping can look like!

But she hasn’t, so maybe she’s happy with it, or maybe the story isn’t quite as you’re suggesting 🤷‍♀️

We both work full time and are also renovating our house. My parents have helped loads especially with things like
tip runs, waiting in for deliveries, gardening for us etc isn’t that what you do for family if you can?

I'm struggling to see what business it is of yours though? You don't have to live with him or date him or help him out. You can choose how much or how little you're in his life.

Maybe he is a man-child and maybe his boundaries with his parents aren't what mine would be. We haven't heard the other perspectives.

On the other hand he's bought a house at the age of 31 and he has a girlfriend who seems to be happy with him, his house decoration arrangements and his parents, so he's obviously not a total loser.

Oh Jesus some of the responses on here! Yes it sounds weird!!! Helping paint or with DIY after moving is one thing; but this way more than that. They’ve over-stepped in not letting him be an adult and learn. Yes it could be viewed as loving parent however they won’t be here for ever or always as capable. Before someone goes off on me, I have a sister like this and though she’s highly successful; my parents have sorted her house and bailed her out to the point that she’s never had to face managing money or her hubby who rarely works and runs them up debts. As my parents have done things like helped with the house buying, set her hubby up in a business, bought him a car etc etc. We’ve ended in a position where they have no money to retire so can’t and she now feels she’s too financially stuck with her husband to leave (they’re now in a form of bankruptcy). I don’t believe this would have happened if she’d been let to struggle or fail over buying her first house or the first big debt as she’d have had to deal with it.

And yes it doesn’t become as a sibling your business as it impacts your parents and your sisters family now look to you to bail them out.

I mean, I'm like you, I wouldn't like it. He's happy, they're happy, so nor really your business

Parents love to clean up shit for their adult son whilst he takes his girlfriend out? Really? If that's the case, I can now clearly see who's fault for why we have so many useless, selfish, lazy, entitled men in this world.

That's called 'cutting your nose off to spite your face'.

When my ex and I bought our first house, my Mum (who was a brilliant and enthusiastic decorator) came down from Yorkshire to London for a week and decorated for us. She asked if we would like her to and we said we would. We were both crap at decorating - why have "pride" if your parents are happy to help?

Perhaps he is. But the point is that it's none of your business.

Sure, if I was dating him, I'd think his parents' involvement was extreme, but as I'm not dating him, that's irrelevant.

If he was your boyfriend, this would be your business. But he's not, so it isn't.

Currently he and your parents have an arrangement that appears to suit all of them. You can certainly think it's odd, but it seems strange to be so bitter about it, because you've said yourself that you wouldn't want the same thing from them. It's not like they're favouring him over you - you've actively chosen not to have that level of involvement. You're not missing out on anything because it's not something you want in the first place.

You obviously don't like your brother very much so assuming there's a lot more to this that you haven't told us.

If you were his partner, and you felt suffocated by his parents' involvement, you'd have good reason to be posting. But as his sister, I just don't think this is anything to do with you.