AIBU to think parents decorating brother’s new house is overstepping?

[Firewizard]

I have my own views on this but am often shouted down and seen as weird so looking for outside opinions.

My brother is 31 and has recently moved house. He’s single but got a steady girlfriend he’s been with for a year or so. The house is a bit of a do-er upper so he has made a start with cleaning and some simple decorating.
My parents went to visit him last week to see the house for the first time. They have been decorating while he is at work all day and then goes to the gym or sees his girlfriend in the evening, doing tip runs and deep cleaning his appliances and flooring.

They were also very involved in the buying process, calling the solicitors and estate agents to chase them up. They said they were just helping as my brother is very busy at work during the day.

Is this normal family help or does this leak into the realms of overstepping? My brother is very happy for them to do this because he is quite lazy and it means he doesn’t have to do it!

this.

Yes if you’re jealous and think it’s unfair, then just own that, the whole overstepping cut the apron strings thing is not believable nor is it your place to decide the relationship between your brother and his parents,

I sold, emptied and cleaned my son's house ... he was in another country.

Our child lives in another country and for the past two years DH and I have been travelling regularly to help them renovate a house and assist with childcare. It’s what families do. Some of the comments on this thread are awful and smack of jealousy regardless of how they’re dressed up. It’s simply nobody else’s business what families do or don’t do to help each other whether it’s financial help or practical help.

I imagine they’re doing it while he’s at work because the whole point of helping him out is to get him comfortable and settled as quickly as possible. Or do you think they should only offer to help after 7pm and on weekends?

This is man has bought a house by himself at 31, which is frankly a fantastic achievement in this day and age - far from the actions of a pathetic man-child, as you’ve labelled him.

If he is working full time and is by himself then decorating his house by himself would take forever. When my parents bought a doer upper at his age years ago, we all chipped in to help - even on weekends when they were both working overtime I’d be stripping wallpaper with my granddad and uncles. They weren’t my parent’s PAs, they were just helping their family out in their free time. And we’ve all done the same for them, too.

But I now realise that anyone who accepts help of any kind is a pathetic, worthless cretin who is abusing the hospitality of others and who should die alone.

Chasing his solicitor maybe a bit extreme - but helping with cleaning and decorating a doo-er upper is perfectly normal. If he's doing none of the decorating then they should make him start but it's pretty normal to train kids who havent got a clue, even if they are 31.

He may very well be a man-child, but there's no overstepping happening here.
Presumably he's also dating an adult, who has agency and will decide if this is the kind of man she wants to build a life with.
For all you know he's perfectly capable, and whilst your parents get to feel useful doing up his house and all sorts; he then uses his spare energy to do all sorts for his girlfriend.

More fool you then.

He hasn’t bought it alone though has he because not only did mummy and daddy have to find and view the house, communicate with the solicitors and decorate it, they also paid his deposit according to the OP. My vagina would clamp shut at a man with such a lack of independence.

@TunafishSandwich I’d question the ability of someone who didn’t know he needed a stamp

At face value, this seems like a nice thing your parents are doing for your brother (because he is happy for them to do it).

However, the bitterness, jealousy, and hostility you clearly feel towards your brother makes me think there might be more going on - was he the 'favorite child' in your family OP?

I was the gf in this situation and it ended with grandma picking out all the colour scheme then having a key cut and visiting weekly to cleans. Good luck to her is all I can say! 31? Absolutely overstepping to an unhealthy degree.

Nobody asked you about your vagina 🙄

Keep your hair on sweetheart it’s a common turn of phrase on here.

Not overstepping at all if your brother is happy for them to do this.

Whether this makes him a ‘man child’ or not is a separate debate.

But if your mum and dad are retired and have time on their hands and your brother is otherwise busy, then it sounds like both parties are happy with the arrangement. And as you state they would have done this for you, had you wanted, I don’t see how it affects you.

Without a wider picture it's impossible to know but from your example it does sound like there could be a level of enmeshment.

It's one thing to counsel and support your adult children - that's s lovely and a great family dynamic. Its something else completely to take the reins and do all the planning, actioning, chasing up, etc! And actually not that supportive in the long run. Like you said, working through a big event provides valuable learning and development opportunities which your brother has now missed out on!

OP, please keep in mind that the people calling you unreasonable are probably overstepping in their own children’s lives too.

31 🤦‍♀️

It sounds very much as if (at least at this stage) this isn’t the girlfriend’s home and they live separately. She definitely sounds like a girlfriend rather than a partner. As other people have said it isn’t overstepping because he’s happy with it. The initial post saying he is single but has a long term girlfriend sounds as if it does describe the situation as he sees it.

You sound incredibly jealous - throwing out the ‘I don’t behave as such as I am an adult’ Phrases. Do you not like him? Do you suspect they’ve given him money to buy the house or something?

Let me guess @Ladybyrd , you have a brother and your parents do lots for him?

You couldn’t be more wrong, but did she hit a nerve for you?

No, a much loved son who parents are happy to be in his life and who is happy for them to be involved. A bit like my relationship with my parents (thank you, Mym, for making my curtains!!). But clearly I must be a girl child!!

I do that for my youngest DD. However she is autistic and works as much as she can, so I take over were necessary so she isn't overwhelmed. I do childcare for my middle DD, practically co-parent and do housework. My eldest doesn't need me to do anything except put her Christmas tree up. My sister does house/pet/building work sitting for her. I know a couple who have done, what your brother does, from his Mum, they are both ok with it. Each to their own.

Well, as long as he fully appreciates it…

Ages ago, but I still remember being appalled when my in laws had been at youngest BiL’s new place for hours - FiL doing the garden, MiL doing various jobs, plus finishing off the curtains she’d made for him and hanging them.

BiL came home from work, said he was off straight away to play tennis, didn’t thank them or offer to make them a cup of tea.

@Itisreallynobother Oh bless your heart. You got the paid version so you can snoop ❤️

He’s 53 and still lives with them. Each to their own.