AIBU to think parents decorating brother’s new house is overstepping?

[Firewizard]

I have my own views on this but am often shouted down and seen as weird so looking for outside opinions.

My brother is 31 and has recently moved house. He’s single but got a steady girlfriend he’s been with for a year or so. The house is a bit of a do-er upper so he has made a start with cleaning and some simple decorating.
My parents went to visit him last week to see the house for the first time. They have been decorating while he is at work all day and then goes to the gym or sees his girlfriend in the evening, doing tip runs and deep cleaning his appliances and flooring.

They were also very involved in the buying process, calling the solicitors and estate agents to chase them up. They said they were just helping as my brother is very busy at work during the day.

Is this normal family help or does this leak into the realms of overstepping? My brother is very happy for them to do this because he is quite lazy and it means he doesn’t have to do it!

It's not overstepping if he welcomes it, the definition of overstepping is stepping over someone's boundaries.

I can remember having my head in my brothers oven, cleaning it with mum. They bought a flat together and mum would go to their home and clean it once a week, dragging me along in summer holidays. I did kinda ask wtf we were doing there when they were grown men. We stopped not long after that!

Some parents just like to help and that's nice - am sure you'd do it for yours.. but if he's a giant man child, no won't do him any favs. If your brother is still looked after too much compared to you, take it as a complement? That they know you are a capable person and kicks ass.

I'd be thrilled, and I was, when my parents helped me and my husband with decorating and getting the garden in order in a new house. But I think there is a broader issue where I do agree with you. There is a difference between adults helping each other and parents enabling their adult children in a way that means they can't cope with the admin of life independently. It sounds like they are tipping into the latter. There isn't much you can do about it though.

So this is actually “I resent that my parents are helping my brother out.”

Entirely your problem.

I voted that you were being unreasonable.

My husband helped both of our sons when they bought their own places. The elder lad was more experienced so it was a project for the two of them. The younger lad, not so much experience, nor was his property the total renovation job that our elder son’s property was, so my husband did things like installing new light fittings, fitting out the
pantry with a really good shelving system, fitting out the fitted wardrobes similarly, replacing curtain poles, etc. Our younger son learned a lot during it, to be honest.

I consider that we were just paying it forward, as my dad would have given my husband a helping hand when he was renovating our own house nearly 40 years ago.

I think your analysis is spot on. The stamp thing is 🤯

Maybe the fact that you are so judgemental and barely seem able to conceal your contempt for your brother is a reason for not having met his girlfriend. You dont sound particularly nice. He probably knows you look down your nose at him. Maybe just worry about your life and not other people's.

He has a long term GF - their realtionship is also none of your business.

It's not what I was looking for in a partner but equally I was one who decided what I wanted and didn't need potentail future relatives trying to tell me what I wanted.

If you were the GF I'd suggest you have a good think about what you are getting into but you say you are the sister. You are trying to tell you parents how to parent their other child - the other child what help the can and can't accept form their parents and now the GF what she should and shouldn't want in a spouse.

You need to step back -- if your brother keeps losing GF over this and asks you can say something otherwise you are massive overstepping.

My parents helped me when I both my houses with decorating etc and yes did tip runs, they did the same for my sisters

Friends have done the same for their kids

I get it OP, I think. My brother is like this, my mother, especially, seems to believe that men need more help with these things. The expectations of me
over him are huge, he just sits back and lets it happen despite them being very old. I’ve tried to raise it in the past but they evidently treat us the same so I don’t bother and I don’t let it get to me. However I also set firm boundaries, I don’t let
them expect more of me. I do what I tbink is right for me. Ignore it OP, you won’t change it and it will eat away at you.

He could be a man child yes, however your question is about your parents overstepping the mark which is a no as he has asked them to help.

I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who's mum wanted to decorate "our" house but this isn't the case as he's bought it himself.

It would be overstepping if they were imposing there decoration ideas on him. The words that I use would be on the lines of infantilising.

Since he’s happy and your parents are happy then all is fine but his gf needs to watch out if she has opinions on stuff like interiors. Adult children who are super dependent like this often have parents who are controlling because they assume that their child can’t even do basics.

They would do the same for me if I asked, but I never would because I am an adult and have a sense of pride…..

Oh well you win the prize for being their best child then. No one's asking you to be his girlfriend and she's an adult who can run for the hills if she pleases. You sound like you think everyone should be like you and they're wrong if they're not. But if you were so happy with your own life, this stuff wouldn't bother you so much. They're all happy with how things are, so it's you overstepping really.

Your parents are enjoying doing it
Your brother is happy for them to do it
He doesnt live with his girlfriend so they arent overstepping by decorating her home.
There's really no problem if they are happy with it.

I think there is a difference between helping and doing something for someone. On one hand I’d love to have someone who helps me with things that I actually want help with, but I wouldn’t feel happy or confident if I was 30+ and mummy had to do things for me because I didn’t know how. I would be surprised if his relationship lasts unless his girlfriend is the same kind of person

Are you? An adult i mean?

Your post comes across as petty minded and childish. Your parents are probably getting some joy out of being able to help him.

You said he cleans his house and has done some decorating.

I think you’re now adding stuff on because the thread hasn’t gone your way.

My parents would and have done this kind of thing for both me and my sister - decorating and packing up houses for moves anyway. They've also given me large sums of money, just because they can. I have absolutely no problem with any of this and am very grateful to them for their help. I trust them not to overdo it (for their own well-being) and we communicate well - they have their own opinions, which I'm willing to listen to as sometimes they have good ideas. At the same time, if I'm set on something they will go along with it.

I would happily do the same for my kids, and I certainly wouldn't think they were overly dependent or not 'properly' grown up if they let me do this.

If it’s a doer upper I hope they haven't ignored the practical stuff and gone straight for the prettifying! It’s always tempting to ignore the structural boring stuff like plumbing , electrics, damp, roof and insulation and head straight for the colour charts!

I think if your brothers girlfriend had posted the responses would be very different!

It's only overstepping if he's not fully on board. Seems like he is, so it's definitely not that.

That doesn't seem to be the main issue here though. He seems to be incapable of managing his own life in general. That's a much bigger problem than people helping decorate. And yes, if I was his girlfriend I wouldn't be for long. I have raised two children. Don't need to take another under my wing, especially a fully grown one.

Why are you so bothered? It’s not you that’s doing the decorating or cleaning

When my DD bought her first home (alone) she asked if I'd come along with her to view it, and to visit the mortgage advisor. She knew that she didn't have any experience in any of this, and that I did. When her solicitor turned out to be useless, I offered to come with her, and was able to step in and give him a bollocking when he outright lied to her (she didn't have the experience to know that he was lying about the legal process). I was happy to do those things.
When she moved in, her sister and I helped her decorate.

On the other hand, her sister and her husband were determined to do it all alone and without any advice from either set of parents. So I kept my nose out. Unfortunately their purchase and the price they paid, have proved to be far from ideal, which I was aware of at the time. But I have to bite my lip. After all, my late DH and I were entirely independent in buying our first place. We just got away with it.

I have two sons.
One wanted us to be very involved when he was buying is house at 23. We went to show room after showroom, looked at what colour schemes he could have etc. He bought everything but he wanted our opinions.
Since he bought it it looked unfinished as she didn't care about soft furnishings. I asked him if he wanted some pictures, rugs etc and he said do what want, he didn't mind.

Ds2 and his girlfriend when they bought their house at when he was 22 and she was 21. He was happy for us not to be involved and I know I would be over stepping as it was his and his girlfriend's place. They have a theme that they like do I have treated them to several pieces of art that they have chosen themselves.

If ds2 wanted me to be more involved I would. I am happy to accept boundaries (ds1 has none apparently!!! 😆 🤣)

Ds1 isn't a man child though, he cooks, cleans, washes etc and runs his house by himself and it's always clean and tidy.

When I bought my first flat at 26 my parents travelled 400 miles with a car boot filled full of DIY equipment. They also guarantored my mortgage and contributed to my deposit. My dad drilled things while my mum and I went out shopping for curtains and bedlinen.

It was an exciting and fun time for all of us, and I’m deeply grateful they were there to share the ‘rite of passage’, and I’d hope to do the same for my own kids. Buying your own home means you’ve really left home for good.