AIBU to think parents decorating brother’s new house is overstepping?

[Firewizard]

I have my own views on this but am often shouted down and seen as weird so looking for outside opinions.

My brother is 31 and has recently moved house. He’s single but got a steady girlfriend he’s been with for a year or so. The house is a bit of a do-er upper so he has made a start with cleaning and some simple decorating.
My parents went to visit him last week to see the house for the first time. They have been decorating while he is at work all day and then goes to the gym or sees his girlfriend in the evening, doing tip runs and deep cleaning his appliances and flooring.

They were also very involved in the buying process, calling the solicitors and estate agents to chase them up. They said they were just helping as my brother is very busy at work during the day.

Is this normal family help or does this leak into the realms of overstepping? My brother is very happy for them to do this because he is quite lazy and it means he doesn’t have to do it!

Yup…. Thought so 😀

Trey MacDougal vibes

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHERAnd therein lies the problem, because his next partner will be handed that gauntlet.

They get very angry at me when I try and suggest they let him do things for himself.

if anything you’re overstepping by trying to interfere like this!

Spot on. This place is a psychiatrist’s wet dream sometimes 😂

I think your issues about your parents and brother could probably benefit with talking it through with a professional!

Meanwhile… they no doubt enjoying decorating their son’s new pad and he’s enjoying being at the gym… blissfully unaware that sissy is in a mood

A friend of mine has a son who is a highly trained professional and just was intimately involved in all aspects of his house purchase _ it was bizarre! Helping with decorating I can see, but I would expect him to help. But the over protection of adult children is so odd to me.

I think you have used wrong wording. Its not overstepping as your brother wants your parents to do it.

Perhaps more overly involved.

Your parents aren’t overstepping

your brother is taking advantage of them

My mum and dad gave my so much help with cleaning and DIY when I bought my first house alone. I was so grateful. I wouldn’t have asked or expected it. I think some parents do love to help. But I’d feel bad if they were doing it when I wasn’t there. And I think we’d probably all help each other in the same way - I took a day off work to help my brother move house because they had little kids and a lot to do. But it’s more that we all muck in rather than anyone is incompetent like your worry re your brother….

So they are happy to do it and he is happy they are doing it.

And you think this is problematic?

I’ve also loved learning DIY skills from my dad over the years! We’ve got matching overalls 😂😂😂

DH has a relative in his 50s who still lives with parents, who has meals and laundry done for him. He does very little in return, even though parents health is not very good now. He is very happy for his DM to do this. His DM hasn’t really let him grow up and be independent. All because they are happy to live like that doesn’t mean it is healthy.

@Firewizard what a lucky brother you have. I would certainly do the same for mine if I had the time.

Your parents want to see their DS settled and it will give them peace knowing he’s comfortable. As long as your DB is happy with their involvement then they are not over-stepping.

He’ll have to put his big-pants on when the bills come rolling-in, cleaning needs doing and he has to cook for himself daily, so it won’t take long for him to become responsible member of society, so just let him enjoy the help he’s getting at the moment.

Op you are the one overstepping. If your mum continues to visit the house regularly to do his washing once he's settled then yes she isnt letting him grow up. But many parents help with DIY.

Many parents also help with childcare, strange how that isnt seen as overstepping if both parties are happy with the arrangement. Indeed a portion of mumsnet seems to think it's their duty.

If his girlfriend was moving in then you'd expect her to be having a say on colour schemes and to be in there herself with a paintbrush. If she was a sensible girl she'd appreciate the help.

Totally normal. DF and FIL spent three months doing up our first house before we moved in. DH did help, but he worked full time. They were both retired. I visited the house less than five times during that period.

My neighbours are regularly doing a two hour return journey to help their daughter with the fixer-upper that she bought. They're enjoying it. It's given meaning to their retirement, she's really appreciative, and it's actually brought them together.

And as I said before, her sister and I helping my DD decorate her first house, was fun, and a really happy weekend.

It'd be nice if your brother joined in with his parents rather than heading to the gym after work, but that's the only failing I can see.

Frankly, I don't believe the stamp thing. I suspect there was a miscommunication there.

I assume when OP says single, she means unmarried?

I would have loved to have this type of help from my parents. And I will be delighted to help my sons in this way when they're older, if they're also happy with the arrangement. Is that not what families are for?

I don't see what any of this has to do with you.
Are you jealous?

I thought it was a parents job to raise independent adults who can arrange their own house viewings but each to their own. I think I’d take out a restraining order if my parents tried to be involved to this degree

I think you’re confused maybe, there is a difference between accepting help and needing it, and someone who is busy who has parents, that fhey Get on with, who are willing to help doesn’t make them dependent. And I say that as someone who is no contact with my parents, I feel no need to attack as you do, those who have better relationships.

My daughter doesn't have access to her phone during the working day. So I have, occasionally, made calls on her behalf. I seem to recall needing to do that when her useless, work-shy solicitor wasn't doing his job, and who she simply couldn't get hold of during her twenty minute lunch break. Which presumably was his lunch break, too.

Parents and and adult children help each other out the only time i know where anyone has an issue is when there is jealousy

For normal families it is normal

I think there’s a difference between helping out and doing everything for an adult child who could be capable of doing these things themselves. So doing laundry and cooking for a son (and possibly not for a daughter) because he couldn’t possibly be expected to do it.

Does seem slightly off parents doing things whilst he is at the gym.

Hopefully, also the son will do things for his parents too