AIBU to think parents decorating brother’s new house is overstepping?

[Firewizard]

I have my own views on this but am often shouted down and seen as weird so looking for outside opinions.

My brother is 31 and has recently moved house. He’s single but got a steady girlfriend he’s been with for a year or so. The house is a bit of a do-er upper so he has made a start with cleaning and some simple decorating.
My parents went to visit him last week to see the house for the first time. They have been decorating while he is at work all day and then goes to the gym or sees his girlfriend in the evening, doing tip runs and deep cleaning his appliances and flooring.

They were also very involved in the buying process, calling the solicitors and estate agents to chase them up. They said they were just helping as my brother is very busy at work during the day.

Is this normal family help or does this leak into the realms of overstepping? My brother is very happy for them to do this because he is quite lazy and it means he doesn’t have to do it!

If they want to do it and enjoy it then why not. I came home yesterday to find my dad in my garden cutting the grass. He’s semi retired and gets bored and he enjoys finding little bits to do in my house and garden but I rarely ask.
I do agree with things like arranging viewings though, that’s something he could do himself

Sounds like you think your parents should step back and I’m sure they will when the flat is sorted. It’s perfectly normal for parents to help their children even when they are adults. My DF tiled our bathroom when we couldn’t afford to pay someone to do it, now my DH is always round at one of the ACs with his toolbox to fix stuff.

Exactly the same situation here. It didn't end well in our case, as having been bailed out excessively and never having to accept consequences, he came a cropper.

As long as everyone concerned is happy with the arrangement I can't see the problem.

Why does this bother you?

If however there have been times when you have been in need and they haven't been willing to help, I can understand you feeling that this is unfair.

It's not them being unfair. She's said they'd do it for her, but she's a proud adult so doesn't want them to. So they don't, because they don't overstep. It bothers her because they're not doing what she deems correct and she knows best.

Our first house was a doer-upper - cost us £5k (in 1984). We moved in the day after our wedding to discover that the electrics kept tripping out for some reason so had to go to MIL's house (she lived 10 minutes down the road) for me to get a cup of tea (I NEED tea on a regular basis), but the last thing that we'd have done was to let her know that we didn't have any electrics as she would've insisted on us staying with her - you mean on our honeymoon? 😱 No way. So we got a takeaway, bought some candles, opened our wedding presents & had a lovely romantic evening sleeping on a mattress on the floor of the living room of our doer-upper.

The next day DH got an electrician friend who he knew from the rugby club in who sorted our electrics at 'mate's rates' with DH labouring for him.

We did the house up & 2 years later sold it for over £20K. But we did most of the work ourselves, never would have asked or expected any help from family.

edited for clarification - didn't want to drip feed

I'm the only person in my family who has painted my house, but every single other house had had at least one room painted by me.

My mum was similarly involved in my brother's house purchase. (This brother had to ring home from university because he didn't know how he had his tea...).

I think posters are being a bit disingenuous about the level of dependence here. Buying a house is a legal transaction with legal implications - it is very daft to farm out parts of it to your parents. Help with time consuming and practical tasks is one thing, allowing your adult son to reach 31 without knowing how to do a letter is ridiculous! My son is 2 and he can put a stamp on a letter.

Have you missed some 0s?

I voted 'you are being unreasonable' because it's nothing to do with you.
If he's happy, then that's fine.

You know the answer! Everyone would be falling over themselves to berate the man child and telling the woman to get the hell out of Dodge. People just like to be contrary on here.

My mum and dad did exactly the same for both me and my sister

Tbh I wasn’t really that bothered but they were so keen and pleased to help did have the heart to tell them no

This. It’s classic mumsnet double standards. If the GF had posted she’d be told he’s a pathetic man child and to run for the hills (and he absolutely does sound like a pathetic man child).

helping with decorating is one thing but doing it all like his servants while he’s at work? Arranging viewings and contacting the solicitors for him? What kind of useless incompetent blob have they raised? I bet he won’t lift a finger if he ever has kids either.

Nope, they’re only overstepping if he is uncomfortable with it but he doesn’t sound like he is at all. I think they’re just being helpful which is lovely.

I dunno, it's very different if it's the partner from inside the home/relationship who has a problem with her DP and the in-laws. This is the sister being judgy about her brother, parents and by extension the girlfriend. In the hypothetical post you're describing, OP would be the superior SIL sticking her oar in to shit-stir.

If your brother is happy for them to do it and they’re not being coerced it’s great!

I think it’s fine to be superior and judgy about a 30+ year old man who doesn’t know the function of a stamp or how to ring an estate agent to view a house. It’s very funny how, when it suits, MN commenters become the paragon of live-and-let-live as if they’ve never judged anyone else’s lifestyle choices when they’re probably doing it right now on another thread.

This wasn’t your original question though, people have been answering that rather than being asked to comment on the whole family situation.

Is this normal family help or does this leak into the realms of overstepping? My brother is very happy for them to do this because he is quite lazy and it means he doesn’t have to do it!

It's not overstepping if they're not making decisions without his approval.
Doing things without asking would be overstepping. Choosing the decor would be overstepping - unless he asked them to choose it for him, and then it wouldn't be.

It doesn’t sound as though it was ever your problem. 🤷‍♀️. He’s happy, they’re happy. Sorted. ✔️

When my eldest two have bought new flats it’s just assumed jobs are divided to everyone, we have a painter/decorator, plumber and joiner in the family and most of us are handy, garden falls to me!
Your parents do seem to do an awful lot.

Buying a home is a significant milestone and having family support in any capacity is absolutely not something that should even raise an eyebrow. It’s what families do.

I wonder if all the women who would “run for the hills” at having in-laws who are so involved would change their tune if they ever needed those in-laws to provide childcare.

I can think of a few women I know who have had their fathers pay their rent all their adult lives, buy them cars and gift them deposits, but who would quickly dismiss a man like your brother as a “manchild” for having a supportive family.

Those women sound equally as pathetic as OP’s brother and I’m sure many men would run a mile from a woman-child like that. Nobody is saying families shouldn’t help as support at all but this is beyond help, it sounds like they’re his servants and PAs.

So you'd really expect a big pile-on about this guy and his parents having a perfectly happy time decorating his house that has nothing to do with anyone else, especially not his sister who has invented some fake concern about 'overstepping' when she just wants a medal for being the good girl who does everything right. Chances are there's things the brother might be better than her at, but the stamp example is her trump card so she can always come out on top.

I had a couple in their 60s on our local neighbourhood WhatsApp group doing research on bifold doors. I had recently project managed our ow home renovation so invited them round to see ours.

While there, they admitted they were researching them, not for themselves, but for their daughter’s mid terrace in a completely different area. Because she’s “very busy at work”.

I was like “yeah, Im busy too - my hands full doing this whole house renovation, a kid and a job”.

So many parents these days baby their children well into adulthood. These are their decisions to make and their work to do.

you have made your choice, he has made his. Its really not your business to comment unless you feel its unfair.