AIBU to think parents decorating brother’s new house is overstepping?

[Firewizard]

I have my own views on this but am often shouted down and seen as weird so looking for outside opinions.

My brother is 31 and has recently moved house. He’s single but got a steady girlfriend he’s been with for a year or so. The house is a bit of a do-er upper so he has made a start with cleaning and some simple decorating.
My parents went to visit him last week to see the house for the first time. They have been decorating while he is at work all day and then goes to the gym or sees his girlfriend in the evening, doing tip runs and deep cleaning his appliances and flooring.

They were also very involved in the buying process, calling the solicitors and estate agents to chase them up. They said they were just helping as my brother is very busy at work during the day.

Is this normal family help or does this leak into the realms of overstepping? My brother is very happy for them to do this because he is quite lazy and it means he doesn’t have to do it!

I have two adult children one of them has health problems so we have done cleaning, decorating and general DIY for them they are single without children. The other one is married with children and would be horrified if we suggested doing this for them, but we do childcare for them instead. Each has different “needs” and we help them both in the way that they need, isn’t it what parents do if they are able?

Agree with this. It’s a huge overstep for someone who hasn’t invited it but seems like the brother is happy to sit back and let them get involved.

Its my idea of hell but each to their own

Since he’s happy for them to do it, I would say it’s not overstepping.

He’s single but got a steady girlfriend he’s been with for a year or so.

Huh?

I know they are just trying to be nice but he is very naive and I worry they aren’t letting him learn by not cutting the apron strings. He didn’t even know you had to buy a stamp to post a card fgs! They get very angry at me when I try and suggest they let him do things for himself.

He has a stready GF, works and own his own house so I don't think he's been stunted.

DH has an uncle who was thwarted by his parents getting independence - he move out for a while but they soon had him back under their roof one GF who got chased off - stopped going at as parents waited up till he was home even in his 30s. He eneded up giving up work and spending over a decade caring for them to be left very alone. There a less drastic story in my family - more independce but never moving out his house.

I don't think any good will come of you saying anything to him or them - there all happy with situation it's you not directly affected who seems annoyed and trying to tell them all how they should be behave and how they should relate to each other - which is frankly overstepping.

When my ds 25 bought a house I decorated it.
I can wallpaper and he can't. Pretty simple decision to help out.
He's still my dc however old. Why would I not want to make his life a bit easier? Are you pissed they don't help you out?

Helping with decorating if mutually agreed, fine. Overstepping would be if he hadn’t agreed and they came and did it whilst he was at work.

Bring hopeless and not being able to cope with admin etc and normal adult life decisions and then doing that for him is not good and if I was the girlfriend I would be running for the hills.

Does he do his own cooking, laundry?

I dream of people doing things like this for me.

It’s not overstepping if both your parents and your brother are happy!

Just because you think he should do it on his own, that’s pretty irrelevant.

He has a job, a GF, keeps fit, has bought a house, cleans his house, has done some decorating…..seems fine to me.

It is lovely that your parents are helping him.

We have so much more time than our adult children who busy building careers and lives so if they want our help, we give it. It’s what happy, healthy families do. We struggled to do it all alone, with shit parents and never want our children to feel so alone.

You sound unhappy in some way. Not everything has to be made hard by others to teach them a lesson. Be happy for your brother. Be happy that you have such supportive parents. You and your brother are lucky, I’d love to have that.

It sounds like its infantilising rather than overstepping. I'd hate it if my parents had done that, and would find it incredibly unattractive if I was the girlfriend, but if he's happy and they're happy just leave them all to crack on.

Ok you’re jealous. That they are doing all this for him. And you need to get on top of that, it is never over stepping when both parties are happy and in agreement, your jealous and sibling rivalry shouldn’t stop them

sorry but you’re going to have to get over it.

I think it's pretty normal for parents to help adult children in decorating/DIY/gardening/ car maintenance/ childcare.

If one side has the skills and the other doesn't then why not work together to pass on those skills? Why watch someone struggle.

Some people (including me) might prefer to do it themselves, even if they make a terrible job of it (definitely me) but that's mostly because I'm an awkward sod who hates being told what to do or decisions being made for me.

Others are more sanguine and can cope with instruction/advice. It does depend on whether it's a mutual thing and that your brother is choosing the paint/paper etc himself rather than being railroaded in their decisions.

So he wouldn’t be what mumsnetters vehemently describe as a ‘man-child’ then?

If you were dating a man whose mum came and did his washing, cleaned his house, mowed his lawn, and made phone calls for him, you’d just think that was a nice close-knit family?

Man-children are always ok with being infantilised because it means they don’t have to do anything for themselves!

@Firewizard Were you an independent 'me do it' sort of child who did things by themselves and preferred that whilst he was a 'you do it' child who was happy for someone else to dress/feed him?

I wouldn't have this, ever.
But, if he's happy with it....

If both sides are ok with this, then it's fine. Wouldn't be for me though, at a younger age I bought my first home and dealt with solicitor on my own and I actually wanted to do it up myself. The only thing I did ask is if my Dad could return with me for a second viewing.

Why are you interfering with your brother's relationship with your parents. it's none of your business.

Why would it be overstepping if everyone is happy?

Basically everyone included had family help declaring their first home to some degree.

If they are happy it is fine. You.sound jealous tbh.

I went away for the week on holiday and came back to find my downstairs toilet replaced, retiled and painted. My dad had organised and paid for it as a surprise! At least your brother is aware of what is happening!

Everyone but @Firewizard who seems to be very very put out!

He didn’t even know you had to buy a stamp to post a card fgs!

well this is odd. And you say he has a full time busy job?

If I was his girlfriend, him needing his parents' help so much instead of being an adult and doing a lot of this stuff himself would be a turn-off. Not saying parents can't help at all, but at 30 I'd expect him to take more responsibility than this. It doesn't sound like he's the main driver in getting things done in his life, and he should be. It's nice to have parents over to potter and help with a bit of DIY and decorating, and also nice to have the voice of experience to consult, but that's all.

If he gets married, I wonder if they'll go with him to choose the marital bed, like in Sex and the City when Charlotte's MIL went along with her and Trey, and they all lay down on it together, LMAO!

But maybe his girlfriend doesn't care