Page 9 | to think I should have been allowed to hold my new nephew

balmain · 18/06/2008 21:36

Some new mothers are just rude and precious.

But then so are some experienced mothers, never been and never will be mothers, busdrivers, teachers and posties.

One of my SIL's was needy, self-absorbed and demanding before she had a baby and, unsurprisingly, continued to be so afterwards.

Yes having your first child is a seismic event, but the idea that everyone else should ignore and excuse out there behaviour, to the extent they're even meant to pretend it isn't strange, doesn't really help anything. The best thing my mother, sister, MIL and friends did for me was help normalise things by acknowledging that I was hormonal and in unfamiliar territory but also helping me get my feet back on the ground.

balmain · 18/06/2008 21:39

Some new mothers are just rude and precious.

But then so are some experienced mothers, never been and never will be mothers, busdrivers, teachers and posties. Why assume that every new mother is actually lovely and is only being rude because she's had a baby?

One of my SIL's was needy, self-absorbed and demanding before she had a baby and, unsurprisingly, continued to be so afterwards.

Yes having your first child is a seismic event, but the idea that everyone else should ignore and excuse out there behaviour, to the extent they're even meant to pretend it isn't strange, doesn't really help anything. The best thing my mother, sister, MIL and friends did for me was help normalise things by acknowledging that I was hormonal and in unfamiliar territory but also helping me get my feet back on the ground.

WinkyWinkola · 18/06/2008 22:48

Wilfsell, super post.

Why is it that when a new baby arrives, everyone starts in on the "But I want this," "I expect that," " How dare they not accommodate my need in this area?", " Don't you know who I am? I'm the auntie/grandparent/cousin?" Feck off.

Just back off and let the parents adjust and come to terms with stuff and it will all normalise in time. Stop the selfish pressure. It's not about you IYSWIM.

And for those who say," Oh she's just had a baby. She's being precious." Try to walk in someone else's shoes. Not everybody flies through this experience with sheer joy and exuberance and wanting the baby passed around. You yourselves might but other people might not.

WinkyWinkola · 18/06/2008 23:20

When you post about PMT, everyone is sympathetic and understanding.

But when someone posts about being 'hard done by' a new mother, everyone is attacks the new mum for being selfish, eccentric or whatever when she has probably exhaustion and a trillion times (or something) the amount of hormones affecting her for a long while. It's too much to expect totally rational, normal behaviour.

thumbwitch · 18/06/2008 23:30

in which case, why did they bother to invite the OP to travel 4 hours to visit? They should have said they didn't feel like having her over after all - she gave them that option.

AbbeyA · 19/06/2008 07:20

I think that the whole point is that OP was asked to visit, but having travelled for four hours she was then called a stranger when she is one of the closest blood relatives the baby can have!

I can understand new mothers feeling precious and 2Happy on p3 wasn't happy at her inlaws holding the baby but she at least says that was an unfair, unhealthy and hurful attitude and that she was totally different with her second.
It is actually much better for the baby to have an open,loving and friendly family IMO.

Bumperlicious · 19/06/2008 07:55

Agree hold heartedly with willself. New parents get to be as screwy as they want IMO. You can be upset, that's your prerogative but I think everyone should stop judging them and going on about how extremely unprecious they were about their babies.

PFB always bandied around here as an insult, but sometimes people are just doing whatever they can to get through and we should all be a bit more supportive.

ally90 · 19/06/2008 08:26

I think everyone is different. At 2 days old I did not mind my pfb being passed from nana and grandad...but then at about 2/3 weeks my mil and sil and her 2 children turned up and mil and sil proceeded to hold dd as she screamed blue murder for about 15/20 min (could have been 5 I was stressed!) and when she finally piped down (to get breath) mil would coo to sil 'oh she likes you!!' I could have done violence I really wanted to ask for her back but just did not have guts and felt so ashamed I could not protect my own child from idjits like them . After that she was v unsettled didn't really sleep at all for 2 nights, hv said it could have been confusion as to who mum was . Really pissed off with sil as she had given me the 'oh I know how it is when they are first born and everyone coming round!' then goes and does it herself . I still have a lot of anger about it . Anyhoo, after that over my dead body did anyone pick up dd apart from me and dh. We are the only one's to have looked after her and she is now 2.2yr and looking to stay with someone other than us for first time today. So I defy anyone to say that you cannot manage til they go to playschool without a 3rd person to look after them!

But I do get why you would feel upset at what they said and no holding.

ally90 · 19/06/2008 08:28

Blood relatives can still be strangers. I'm closer to friends than my own family, I see them more often and I'm naturally more comfortable with them around my dd...

getbackinyouryurtjimjams · 19/06/2008 08:34

"So I defy anyone to say that you cannot manage til they go to playschool without a 3rd person to look after them!"

Why would you want to though? Genuine question- I don't see the advantages tbh- and it becomes far less practical to do that when you have two or 3 or more kids.....

I've always been a bit of a fan of attachment parenting up to a point, but I remember seeing an AP'd baby left at childcare for the first time and oooooh it was painful. Fine now, but it did make me think if I ever had another (which I won't) that I would never go full on down the AP route because of the pain of separation.

WinkyWinkola · 19/06/2008 09:11

They probably invited the OP because they weren't thinking straight about that either.

An open and loving family wouldn't get shirty about not holding a new baby or a cup of tea. An open and loving family would think, "Ah, she's needing a bit of time to adjust and I'll just back off a bit with clamouring to hold the baby. I'll be understanding and not think about myself and what I want for three or four weeks."

Or is that too novel a notion?

bobblehat · 19/06/2008 10:12

New baby ettiquitee is a minefield isn't it.

I when ds1 was tiny I hated other people touching him, yet I let them through gritted teeth. When I'd chilled out about that I'd have been devistated if someone refused a cuddle - how could they, he was the most perfect, beautiful baby every to be born

Her brother could have called before she set out and said that although they'd invited her, things were a bit frantic (even made up an appointment if he did not want to sound streesed) or even taken her to one side once she was there and had a word.

But not being allowed to make yourself a brew after a long journey is downright rude, as was the stranger comment. Yes, new mums are allowed to go a bit loopy, but by what she said there were others there as well.

Maybe something had gone on before and they were making a point to the GP's, but on the face of it yanbu

ally90 · 19/06/2008 10:53

getbackinyurjimjams

Why would I want to? Because my dh and I feel that is what is best for our dd. We will be doing the same with our next dc.

We wont' be leaving our dd at playschool without a lead up to it! That is why dd who starts playschool in september is now going to be spending a number of hours with my friend to get attached to someone other than us. Its just a gradual process. And I will be getting her to spend time with the playgroup leader who will be there too when she starts playgroup...and I will be gradually be taking a back seat.

motherinferior · 19/06/2008 11:01

Agree utterly (as so often) with the Wilfster.

Actually I still shudder at the friends' toddler who rampaged round the room when DD1 was a few days old. Granted, I was utterly out of my tree. But, er, I'd recently had a baby, dammit.

getbackinyouryurtjimjams · 19/06/2008 11:20

ally90- I suppose I just think that life can sometimes get in the way of plans (I do admittedly probably know a higher proportion than most who have been in very difficult situations) and to be unable to leave your child with anyone just seems to have the potential to make it far harder to deal with life's crises.

mygirllollipop · 19/06/2008 11:57

Haven't read the whole thread but I am in exactly the same situation.
Drove 4 hours to see family (just BIL and SIL) with 4 kids in tow. We weren't allowed to take the kids to see their cousin as 'there's not enough space' but MIL came to their house with us.
SIL wanted us out from the off saying she needed a bath (well have a bath in peace and leave nephew in capable hands of his dad, gran, aunt and uncle then), and that they needed to go to shops (we asked if there was anything we could get on our way over). And we never got to hold him.
Definately put it down to PFB syndrome.
DH did get to hold him a couple of weeks ago, I wasn't there as the kids still weren't allowed to go. Then they wanted us to stay an extra day so we could all go somewhere together, even though we had been trying to arrange something for the whole week we were there, and been cancelled on many times. Argh.

getbackinyouryurtjimjams · 19/06/2008 12:05

"I wasn't there as the kids still weren't allowed to go. "

Oh that's so sad, babies love other children (even if first time mum's don't) - he could at least watched his cousins from the safety of someone's arms). I know it doesn't matter so much when they're tiny newborns but I have know a few people who have been like this and ime it just stays the same until they have their second child. When they suddenly become sane. I always feel sorry for thew kids though when they're older babies/toddler and want to get stuck in with the pack of kids and aren't allowed.

I remember hosting a coffee morning for bumps and babies when ds3 was tiny. Several first time mum's came. One explained in great detail how her baby wasn't allowed to cry at all because she believed crying to be damaging for babies. Fair enough, her baby. So I popped off to make a cup of tea etc for everyone- got back and ds3 was screaming the place down. He was fed up lying down. All the idiots mothers were staring at the their pfb's babies not attempting to console/pick up ds3 at all. Obviously it was OK for ds3 to cry .

I cancelled the next bumps and babies and refused to host anymore!

MsDemeanor · 19/06/2008 14:01

Wow, the sheer effrontery of an invited visitor who OFFERS to make a cup of tea for herself after a four hour trip. What a bitch

ally90 · 19/06/2008 14:50

Getbackinyurjimjams - agree it does make it harder

getbackinyouryurtjimjams · 19/06/2008 15:00

I meant for the child though ally. Was thinking of one case where the mother needed to stay in hospital for something potentially serious and ended up discharging herself because she didn't want to leave her toddler with someone else (there were people who were willing). I just think those sorts of situations aren't in any ones interest tbh.

AbbeyA · 19/06/2008 17:21

I agree getbackinyouryurtjimjams that it is not in a toddlers best interests to be restricted to always having their parents in attendance. Life can be unfair, as in the mother discharging herself from hospital. The father of my pnb was killed in an accident before my DS was a year old so I am very thankful that we had an extended family who were able to rally around and stay, helped by the fact that DS was used to being left with them.I am assuming that you won't even use babysitters ally90.
We will have to agree to disagree on being welcoming to visitors with a new baby but in the case of the OP it is a bit much to be invited and expected to travel for 4hrs and be called a stranger!

Bumperlicious · 19/06/2008 19:51

Also, going back to the point about the OP offering to wash up and being refused, well I would have refused anyone to do mine out of sheer embarrassment but would have been enormously grateful if they just did it anyway !

Yurt that's really crap about your bumps and babes, I can't count the number of times I popped of to get a cup of tea and came back to find someone I barely new holding DD who had been crying, it was quite nice. Although in the early days I too gritted my teeth and held my breath at anyone else hold DD. It's a natural protective instinct, and certainly not wrong in the early days.

I remember when DD was a few weeks old and we were visiting the ILs and all my SILs and MILs neighbours came in and wanted a hold. I sat on my hands and barely watched while trying to maintain complete nonchalance. My MIL afterwards said what a good job I had done letting everyone hold her, so, quite rightly, it was expected for me to be PFBish