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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I should have been allowed to hold my new nephew

222 replies

milliec · 17/06/2008 18:41

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
MrsTittleMouse · 17/06/2008 19:50

It is a shame, but there are so many things that could be going on behind the scenes that caused her to behave in this way.

An aside - I can remember some good friends phoning and making an appointment, and asking to visit (all good so far) and the exact day and time that they had arranged was the exact day and time that I had my first poo since I delivered (sorry - ). It was awful - I had gazillions of internal and external stitches, and it had been quite a while (again, sorry - ), and the whole time I was not only stressed out about bursting my stitches and how painful it was, but also about how long it's OK to stay upstairs when people visit without it looking really weird. But it's not something that I've ever told them.

ScottishMummy · 17/06/2008 19:50

i don't expect to hold a new baby, if parents are happy to smashing but up to them of course.

GivePeasAChance · 17/06/2008 19:55

YANBU - I had a similar thing with one of my very good friend of 20 years. My DS2 was days old and had dragged round to see her and PFB with both mine in tow, and I was not even allowed to go into the room !!!!!!!!!!

Paranoid Precious First Born

tori32 · 17/06/2008 20:12

I don't think YABU. I had a similar treatment when I got to see my niece at her christening (3mth old) I wasn't offered a cuddle even though I was Godmother I was also 6mths pg and had dd1 2.3. We had all travelled 5hrs to be there. I had to take my place behind all SIL friends . My DB was oblivious. I was very .
As for the stranger comment. Just because you are family doesn't mean you are not a stranger. If you live so far away then you are a stranger by default, to the child iyswim.
I agree at 3 weeks that it can unsettle them, but they should have put you off coming because it was a bad time instead of being unhospitable.
for you. I would feel(and was)hurt by this. Try to move on. You tried to help and couldn't have done much more.

missblythe · 17/06/2008 20:18

By that token, though Tori, everyone is a stranger to a newborn at 2 or 3 weeks. But at some point the mother will have to pass them over to someone else.

It's a horrible way to describe your child's aunt. Especially as the OP is obviously very keen to meet her new niece, or she woudln't have made such a journey during a fuel shortage.

If there was a problem -poo related or otherwise -the OP's brother should have called to ask to make it another day.

I am really cross about this for some reason, but feel your brother should have seen what was going on and said something.

AbbeyA · 17/06/2008 20:24

I am not at all surprised, there has been thread after thread on here with parents of new babies wanting to 'bond' by themselves and shut everyone out! They want to be completely on their own and police visitors. I would be inclined to say that I wasn't interested when they finally deign to be friendly!!!

2Happy · 17/06/2008 20:26

If it helps any (it probably doesn't) I felt very weird about dh's family holding my PFB. I didn't mind my family at all, but somehow couldn't see his family as being related to my baby. Even at the time, I was able to realise that this was an unhealthy, unfair and hurtful attitude, and I did allow ILs to cuddle ds1, but I didn't enjoy it at all. I rationalised it as a primeval protective instinct towrds my child; but let's face it, it was just baby hormones and a severe case of brain fudge madness. Reading your post makes me feel guilty for how I felt towards my ILs at the time, I like my SILs very much, and would like to hope they didn't pick up on how I felt (though they no doubt did), but I was very careful to make no moves to cuddle their children unless offered, just in case they were as freakishly odd as I am!
It's sad that you've been upset this way, and FWIW I think even I'd've leapt at the opportunity for a half hour's nap if my SIL's had offered to take ds1 for a stroll in the pram. But I'm afraid that at the same time, I can understand how she was feeling too. Still, I can reassure you that second time around is very different, and I probably practically threw ds2 at my family, SILs, BILs, postie, anyone who was passing really!

Original poster
milliec · 17/06/2008 20:29

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
AbbeyA · 17/06/2008 20:32

I think you have to put it down to pfb syndrome, milliec, and not take it personally.

getbackinyouryurtjimjams · 17/06/2008 20:39

oh we've had family members like this. It's PFB syndrome. By the time they've had their 3rd they'd beg a passing stranger to hold the baby to get 3 minutes peace (or at least I would have).

I do think you can still be a bit bonkers 3 weeks in - I've never really come close to a huge family row before but we came close 3 weeks after ds3 was born (but in my defense we had staying visitors - I'd had my third section, ds1 who is severely autistic was refusing to go to bed until gone 11pm at which stage I (or dh) was expected to make dinner for family visitors and they were being PFB about their half year old so not very helpful and expecting special treatment when she was one of 4 kids in the house).

TBH I just don't bother trying to hold PFB babies- too much stress with the burning glare in your back (and then you get told off for not being fawning enough )

margoandjerry · 17/06/2008 20:46

god. Amazed that anyone is saying yabu even a little bit.

I mean, sorry, but ultimately even if you are out of your mind with exhaustion and terrible fear of strong perfume or germs or sausage roll crumbs you would still let your sister/sil go to the kitchen to make a cup of tea?

And possibly allow her to hold the baby for a microsecond, assuming she has been spritzed with antiseptic and is sitting in the middle of one of those pole vault mattresses to ensure minimum damage if she drops the baby (which she will, being a stranger?)

2Happy · 17/06/2008 20:48

Oh I don't know, three years on from PFB's birth and my kitchen is still frequently so mortifyingly filthy that I wouldn't let anyone near it!!

islandofsodor · 17/06/2008 20:52

YABU Babies are not toys, some don't like being handled.

And as for the cup of tea. I could barely remember to feed myself for the first few months, never mind make visitors cups of tea.

IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast · 17/06/2008 20:53

When DS was only a tiny bit older than that he was introduced to some family members and underwent pass-the-parcel for about 5 minutes before getting so upset I had to walk around for over 2 hours with him in a sling to calm him down again. He couldn't tolerate any degree of interaction without getting ridiculously overstimulated. I was virtually housebound when he was tiny. However, he was also my PFB, so I don't know if YAReallyBU or if it's just me

Meandmyjoe · 17/06/2008 20:54

Mmm I think to ignore you was very harsh but I don't think not being able to hold him was. Sorry!

It's entirely the parent's decision. It's probably not you they are worried about but the baby may not react well to being over handled and passed around.

Speaking as a mum to a very very fussy baby, when he was that age, he wouldn't just be held by anyone. I had to stand and walk around with him and couldn't stay still and cuddle him. I was always very careful who I let hold him so not to upset him unnecessarily. It's probably nothing personal against you.

However, if the baby is not upset by being passed around or having to be held in a certain way then no you're not being unreasinable at all!

getbackinyouryurtjimjams · 17/06/2008 20:54

Ah well I know that feeling island. Although I think in this case as the dh was home too someone could have rustled up a cup of tea (I would have given dh his orders). It's doesn't take 2 parents to hold one PFB

myredcardigan · 17/06/2008 20:55

I don't think YABU at all and I think they are being very uptight especially as you were invited.
They're the same women who act all shocked that labour actually was stupidly painful and that sleep deprivation really is torture.

IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast · 17/06/2008 20:59

Also, I'm astounded that some people have actually described the new parents as rude for not handing their baby around. If you'd dared suggets that to my face 3 weeks after I'd given birth I'm have torn you limb from limb with a hormonal fury.

I don't think it's rude to not want your new, fragile, precious bundle passed round like a toy. I think it's perfectly normal. Well done them for standing up for themselves.

sis · 17/06/2008 21:00

This reminds me of visiting a new mum and ds and I having to wash our hands before going anywhere near the baby but the family dog was touching the baby unhindered!

womblingalong · 17/06/2008 21:02

No Milliec, you are def NBU, they are! Callin you a stranger! , very thoughtless language IMO.

unknownrebelbang · 17/06/2008 21:03

I don't think I've ever met anyone who has disapproved of close relatives/friends cuddling their baby for a few moments.

I must lead a very sheltered life.

cadelaide · 17/06/2008 21:08

me too unknown.

I think it's horrible.

OP, YANBU

georgiemama · 17/06/2008 21:09

You are not being unreasonble. You know you're not, and you have every right to be annoyed - but let it go now. It isn't worth souring relations and in a few weeks/months they will probably realise they really need you.

Sidge · 17/06/2008 21:12

They sound very precious to me.

Surely if you have invited family to visit you should expect them to want to hold the baby, even if only for a few minutes.

And as for refusing your offer of making the tea then not offering you one, well however tired and hormonal you are that is just plain rude, especially when you have travelled so far to see them. And I doubt the mum is running round like a headless chicken if she still has her DH at home - what was stopping him offering refreshments?

I can see why you would be hurt. I don't understand why giving birth should excuse some women turning into rude, thoughtless people.

bergentulip · 17/06/2008 21:16

I personally do not understand why any new mother (after 3 weeks this is) would not want to pass their child to someone else for ten minutes. If they are quiet, gurgling, not hungry, jeez, it may be the one opportunity to finish that cup of tea you made for yourself at 5 o'clock this morning!!!
I was never happier than watching any one of my family members or close friends holding either one of my DSs as little tiny babies. Made me feel very content and happy, relaxed, and closer to whoever it was who was visiting TBH.

Disclaimer : !! I say all this assuming we are talking perfectly healthy baby, perfectly healthy mother.