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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I should have been allowed to hold my new nephew

222 replies

milliec · 17/06/2008 18:41

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
ilovemydog · 17/06/2008 19:09

I was exactly like this - didn't want the constant stream of visitors. My mother came from California, and stayed for 3 weeks . On day 2, the mother in law, sister in law, and various aunts and uncles paraded in and out. DP invited everyone except the postman to come in, have a cup of tea and see the new baby.

I was knackered and wanted just to spend some time alone with DD. Didn't care if DP went to pub for yet another 'wetting the baby's head' or whatever the excuse was for a piss up.

I realize you are family, but maybe they didn't really want anyone to hold the baby, but felt they couldn't say 'no' to the grandparents?

ilovemydog · 17/06/2008 19:11

Ooh - didn't realize baby was 3 weeks old.

That's just being rude

PuppyMonkey · 17/06/2008 19:12

Just out of interest, did they invite you or did you just turn up?

My newborns always turned into right monsters after an afternoon of being passed around visitors, so maybe your sis was just trying to stop something like that.

Maybe they were just pissed off with you for not taking a hint and offering to make a cup of tea...

MrsTittleMouse · 17/06/2008 19:18

I think that the "stranger" comment is bang out of order. Everything else, to be honest, I can understand. We were told by the midwife not to pass DD around, as she was a bit bashed up by the delivery. You might be the last of a long line of visitors that have completely exhausted her. She might have had a dreadful delivery (I did), the baby might be crying all night (mine did), she might be completely at the end of her tether.
I think that most behaviour when a baby is under 6 weeks is pretty understandable. I'm actually really impressed that you took them out to lunch, by they way. It think that you probably coped exceptionally well, rather than her coping badly.

PS I didn't behave like that for my PFB, but I will for my PSB, as I made myself ill running around and entertaining last time.

pointydog · 17/06/2008 19:21

I think you are being reasonable. Parents so uptight and fussy they won't pass a baby round, jeez louise.

My sister's sil was like this. They did verge on fanatical about their child-rearing. Very serious.

pointydog · 17/06/2008 19:23

sister's sil wouldn't eveb let the grandparents hold the baby. Oh, the torture

FrannyandZooey · 17/06/2008 19:23

agree about not expecting to be entertained when you go to see parents of a new baby
sorry they upset you with the strangers remark - remember they are probably half doolally through lack of sleep and hormones
it would have been nice if you had made a drink while you were there or offered to help instead of expecting to be taken out for lunch, IMO

NorthernLurker · 17/06/2008 19:24

'strangers' is just rude and with a baby that's 3 weeks old they really need to have got a grip tbh. But I would say that - when my pfb was 3 weeks I was doing my finals and had to hand her over to someone else or I would have been rather stuffed.

2point4kids · 17/06/2008 19:26

Very rude not to let you have a cuddle if baby is perfectly healthy (my PFB had broken arm at birth and I refused to let anyone hold him except my Mum and MIL for 2 weeks. DS2 got passed around to anyone who wanted to cuddle him though!)

You should have made your own tea though.

SmugColditz · 17/06/2008 19:26

Hmmm

Can I ask - because I think the answer you give will illuminate somewhat on her attitude - were you invited by her, were you invited by your brother or had you decended upon them?

Ad ... do you smoke or wear strong perfume?

pointydog · 17/06/2008 19:28

lol @ smoking and strong perfume. That is classic mn stuff

FrannyandZooey · 17/06/2008 19:30

had you recently eaten a sausage roll? perhaps they were concerned about crumbs dropping on him

WilfSell · 17/06/2008 19:33

I'm sorry but I think you are being a bit u actually.

It's up to her (the mum), even at 3 weeks. The baby isn't family property, whatever family might like to think. And the baby isn't there for other people's entertainment. Perhaps she had a difficult labour; perhaps she is very anxious, very tired, in pain, shocked, not coping, or all of the above. Perhaps she is overwhelmed by her husband's family all insisting on having a piece of her and the baby and having to be on show to a constant stream of visitors. Perhaps her experience is the baby gets unsettled - and indeed you are 'a stranger' to the baby however upsetting it sounds to you.

I don't think it is rude of her, I think she is just showing her vulnerability, which as new mothers - first time? - we are all allowed to do.

PuppyMonkey · 17/06/2008 19:33

..I'm also a bit shocked that so many posters think "oh by three weeks they should have chilled out."

Three weeks is when it really hits home this is for real and your life is soooo different now. Give them a break.

Hulababy · 17/06/2008 19:34

They were being rude.

You are not a stranger; you are family - and family who has out themselves out to travel a long way to see them and meet their new baby, your nephew.

And babies, even at a few days let alone 3 weeks, don't need this amount of "protecting!" A little cuddle or hold is hardly going to hurt him.

Have never experienced anyone with this attitude regarding their baby before - normally my family/friends have been really keen to introduce us to their baby, more than happy for us to hold the baby, etc. Would find it very odd.

And as you are family, they were rude.

2Happy · 17/06/2008 19:35

TBH I don't think anyone should expect to be allowed to hold a child. It's up to the parents, and if they are the sort that don't like passing the parcel baby, it's up to them. I'm not sure that every first time mother actually gets back to normal within 3 weeks... But if you are worried that they are not behaving to your ideal of normal, perhaps there's something else going on. Maybe the baby is particularly unsettled and they're sturggling. Maybe she's had a bad birth and not recovered well. Maybe she is depressed. Maybe you were one of a long stream of visitors who turned up expecting a hold and a cup of tea, when they've not had a shower for the last few days and would love someone to push the hoover round for them, or just make them a cup of tea for a change...

pointydog · 17/06/2008 19:35

wE're only talking about holding a baby for a couple of minutes.

2Happy · 17/06/2008 19:36

(spent so long trying to make my post tactful, I see I have x-posted !)

Original poster
milliec · 17/06/2008 19:37

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
naswm · 17/06/2008 19:37

what 2happy said

SmugColditz · 17/06/2008 19:39

They will grow out of it anyway, by the time she is 6 they will be begging you to take her

pointydog · 17/06/2008 19:40

But the joy is in holding a new baby.

naswm · 17/06/2008 19:43

I think people are making this new mother out to be some bad woman here. She has a new baby. That is a life changing event. If she didnt want to let anyone hold him then she shouldnt have to. And there is nothing worse than saying the old ' in x years time or after x number of babies she will practically throwing him at anyone to hold' if she dosnt want someone to hold the baby now then so be it.

ScottishMummy · 17/06/2008 19:44

new Parents easy to get absorbed in baby and over cautions we did don't read too much into their statement, don't get all Machiavellian or hold it against them be supportive you have lots of support humour to offer

some parents do feel reluctant at baby being handed round. if they did not want to do it give them time to feel ready

i do not imagine they meant to cause any insult or slight

it was smashing you went to vist. very kind

meemar · 17/06/2008 19:44

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think most people who are invited to visit a new baby expect to have a hold. Obviously not in hospital fresh from birth, but in the family home after 3 weeks.

However, they may have had bonding/settling/anxiety issues that you were unaware of.

I do think it's a shame for you after making the effort of the journey with your toddler, but hopefully things will be better next time.

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