to think I should have been allowed to hold my new nephew

[milliec]

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I think YANBU to want to hold the baby but on the other hand she is not being unreasonable for not wanting anyone else to - and surely you have to respect her wishes. There are some nasty posts on here IMO.

bergentulip - fine, I agree with you, even with my PFB. But not everyone feels the same and that's up to them, surely.

Like I said, it depends on the baby. my ds would not have been bundled around and I wasn't prepared to upset him or myself. I'd have loved for him to be cuddley and easy going but it wasn't to be! Perhaps they are struggling with the same issues but like me were too ashamed people would judge their parenting skills to say that their baby will cry.

I'm with you Rosmaryconnely, babies are not toys and obviously ours were very sensitive to strangers/ being interacted with.

are there other issues though, any previous tensions that might make a new mother say no to you holding the baby and not feel like getting up to make tea or let you do it?

It just seems very odd to say passed round strangers if you are family. I can't imagine anyone saying that unless they were making some kind of point.

I didn't make anyone tea for ages but I was more than happy to them to go into my messy kitchen and help themselves.

YANBU.

I can't understand how having a baby has become a valid excuse for rudness. There seems to be an attitude, held by some, that as 'it's my baby' and 'I have a baby' you can do and say what you like and sod everyone's feelings, and even minimal boundaries of consideration.

Yes others should be thoughtful to you, and acknowldging your exhaution and shellshockedness, and it might explain, but not justify, rudness.

If you have a baby you should still attempt to be considerate to others, and if you have a valid reason , meaning more than your own neurosis, for not wanting someone to hold your baby, you should attepmt to find a way of doing that without causing offence and hurt.

Calling your SIl who has travelled specially to see her nephew a stranger, is just crass and hurtful, new baby or not.

I agree the comment about strangers was odd

Be cosiderate to the bloody baby! Strange how not many people have considered the fact that the baby may not respnd well to all the attention. Sod your own feelings, all that matters is the baby being content and it is not an excuse to be rude! Frankly, someone wanting to hold my baby and not respecting MY BABIE'S boundaries is downright rude.

why would the baby not be content - it's only being passed into someones arms for a cuddle?

Unless the mother had real anxiety issues about handing the baby over, I think the behaviour sounds very precious.

I didn't let my SIL hold my newborn and that was for one simple reason - the fact that she never let me hold her baby for 2years!!!!!!!!! gave her a taste of her own medicene to see how she liked it. childish but hey ho.

Realistically if a baby doesn't like being picked up passed around they will cry (and then get given back to their mother/father). Presumably the baby didn't cry when the grandparents had their turn (or the OP wouldn't have minded not having a cuddle).

Well, if you didnt reek of fags or perfume or BO, and, the baby wasn't asleep/fractious then YANBU

I'd never wake a baby so that someone could have a cuddle.

To add my two-penneth...

Bang out of order I'm afraid. You are family. You were invited. You have children of your own. Of course you should have been able to have a cuddle with the baby, you shouldn't have had to ask.

It is a wonderful thing when babies/children have a caring extended family - parents, grandparents, aunties, uncles and so on.

Small babies need their mummy and daddy (or other main carers) to attach to but there is no harm in having someone else hold them for a couple of minutes IMO.

When my DD was tiny I didn't really want to let her go, but the people I saw were my family, and DH family, and as they are important to us it was important that they met DD and gave her a cuddle. Not least because they really really wanted to, it was important to them.

For people who are saying she was being handed around like a parcel, that's not the impression I get from milliec's posts. That would be a different thing entirely.

you " oooooh, i'd love acuddle..."

her " Really appreciate your visit but don't want pfb to be over stimulated"

you " no probs"

that would have been nicer surely.... There is never an excuse for rudeness. Not even childbirth

Lavenders, that comment about 'your own neurosis' is incomprehensible to me. Feeling protective, anxious, vulnerable and generally all to pot 3 weeks after having a baby is normal. For one mother to refer to another as neurotic because she's unwilling to have her 3 week old baby bumped around people who are, to all intents and purposes, strangers beggars belief. I think it's been an awfully long time since some of the posters on this thread had their first babies, either that or some people have amazingly short memories. Of course some people couldn't care less if every Tom Dick and Harry has a shot of their baby but others feel differently and there's nothing wrong with it, it isn't rude or neurotic or anything else, it's just personal preference. 3 weeks in is really really new, and I'm really disappointed at how unsympathetic the general feeling towards this new mum is. What happened to all these lovely supportive posts telling new mums to put their feet up, let folk run round after them, ask for favours etc? Are you no longer a new mum once the first fortnight's passed by?

I totally agree the 'strangers' comment was unpleasant. I'm just struggling to imagine the response if the mum we're discussing had posted her side of the story on MN.

I must be lucky because in RL I haven't met anyone who won't let friends and relations cuddle new babies and they have found their baby a joy to be shared. I have been astounded on here to find a large proportion of posters who use giving birth as an excuse to be rude!

But she wasn't every tom dick and harry. She was the baby's auntie. She had been invited to come and meet the new baby.

I think most people would agree that they wouldn't want their 3 week old baby bumped around people who were, to all intents and purposes, strangers.

But this isn't the case with the OP. It is her brother's baby.

I would be pissed off.

It makes a change from it being poor old MIL who is usually the one to be excluded.

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Oh meermar, why would the baby not be content being passed into someones arms? Clearly, you have had placid babies or you would not make such a strange remark. Unless you are that baby's parents, you have no idea how it will react. My ds would have loudly protested at someone else cuddling him. He had to be held in a certain way and only by me and dh. Everyone else just craddled him and ignored our requests for him to be held upright. tbh at the end of the day I'm glad I had all that time to bond with him. I really think you must have all been very lucky with your babies. No one can aomment on someone elses baby. A truly high needs baby WILL NOT be held by anyone other than who knows exactly the right way to hold them.

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lol! I felt like I had been ripped apart, dunno about my life

I was as crazed as the next person but I agree with Lavendersblue. It's no excuse. Also DH was there - one of them could have switched on the kettle or let OP sort out tea.

I think one can excuse all sorts of over-reactions and dramas in the first few weeks because of tiredness, emotions, neurosis etc. All fair enough. But not to let a visitor who has travelled for four hours with a toddler have a cup of tea?

Baby may well have been a highly sensitive type (though OP doesn't mention anything suggesting that) but a little stroke of the head from an auntie is surely good for everyone?

It does sound like preciousness to me.

YANBU
I'm quite taken aback at the number of supporters of the "keep your hands off my new baby" lobby.
How ridiculous.
I totally understand your feelings on this Millie.
How lovely it would have been too for your dd to see mummy cuddle her new cousin.
While I can understand mothers of pfb can be slightly neurotic, you have to grin and bear it.
Even if baby "protests loudly" , it's hardly going to cause lifelong ishoos is it?
If it were me, I'd tell db you felt a little hurt by their actions / comments.
Or I'd tell my mother who'd tell him.

YANBU at all.
If the grandparents were allowed to hold him, then there isn't any issue about the parents not wanting to disturb their PFB, nor a problem with them letting other people hold him, just not you - and therefore so much MORE hurtful that you weren't allowed to.
Were they perhaps afraid that you might have some germs on you from your 2yo?
I know when I had my PFBDS, my sister (who has 3 small girls under 5) had to reassure me that all the girls were clear of infections (they are a very snuffly/germy lot!) AND that she had washed her hands and put on a clean jumper before I would let her hold DS - but I certainly wouldn't have told her she was a stranger!!
Very poor show.