to think I should have been allowed to hold my new nephew

[milliec]

Message withdrawn

Reading between the lines - maybe there had been huge amounts of tension between the GP's and the parents before the OP turned up and this was why the parents were trying to reclaim the baby?

I think that the husband and GP's should have been welcoming to the OP, but to be honest, I agree completely with Mrs Bick.

I think shock at the OP not making tea herself etc would be fair enough if the dh wasn't there as well. He hadn't just given birth and should have been capable of putting the kettle on.

I did know a couple who still needed 2 people to breastfeed and 2 people to change a nappy and 2 people to bath when the firstborn was over 6 months though.

wot the dad breastfed? how impressive!

They called you a stranger??? Bloody charming! I'd be more than a little offended PFB or not!
Be sure and remember this when they are looking for babysitters when the baby is 1, 3, 7, 13 etc and tell them you don't think 'strangers' should look after peoples children!

He was glued to the mother hovering over the shoulder as she breastfed. It was the most bizarre thing I have ever seen. Wouldn't leave her alone. I would have been swatting him if he'd been my dh/dp- would have driven me up the wall (would have sent him into the kitchen to make a cup of tea!)

It's a bit mad in my opinion and a definite case of PFB.

I didn't want my SIL to hold either of my 2 (still don't to be honest) but that is because she is a nasty piece of work I am sure you are not

aaaargh. Can I just ask.... did the OP ASK for a cup of tea and told she couldn't have one? Or... did the SIL just not get round to making one? Were the GP's given one, and OP missed out?

there is an ocean of differrence between being deliberately missed out. which would be rude. But... I know I've offered cups of tea to people, refused to let them do it themselves, then forgotten altogether to make it!

Anexcellent point was made earlier that perhaps she felt she couldn't say no to GP's - and whose parents are they? SIl's or OP's... again... blood is thicker than marriage ties... and do the GP's live locally? Are they goig to be playing a huge role in the baby's life?

I drove for a fair distance to visit my cousin and her new baby a couple of years ago, with my 4 month old aswell. hyer parents amde me tea, but I didn't dream of asking to hold the baby. But that is jsut me.

Still, that "stranger" comment would raise my hackles...

"LOL the Manners maketh the new Mums brigade.oh yes so important at such a monumental time to be seen to do the right thing"

It's not about being 'seen' to do the right thing, it's about being pleasant and doing to others as you would be done by. You should try it!

No excuse for insensitive 'stranger' remark imo

I think it's unreasonable to "expect" to hold someone's new baby as from experience having your baby hefted around a roomful of people however lovely can be heartwrenching and stressful for the baby, however after 3 weeks this isn't usually the case (I'm thinking of more like 3 days), and if he was being held by other people anyway yes, I think it was blardy rude.
If he'd been a bit fussy or grumpy and nobody was holding him except for parents a little different I think. But since he was being passed about but just not to you,

Shrinkingsagpuss. The Op offered to make tea, but was told they didn't want anyone going into the kitchen as it was messy. She then offered to do a bit of washing up for them and that too was declined.

Comeoveneer - I know that. My question was - was she told she could NOT have a cup of tea.... or was it forgotten? Was she told, "no you can't make one, and we're not going to make you one either"... or was it a case of "oh god, no the kitchen is really messy, we'll make one in a minute" which then got forgotten?

You know plenty of poele are upset if you don't try to hold the baby, it can seem like disinterest. Coming to see someone who has had a baby and wanting to hold it, are ways of expressing the signifcance and joy of the occasion.

If no one was really bothered there would be alot of complaints also I think.

Not making teais reasonable if mother is on her own and baby is requiring constant attention. Most women wouldn't bat an eye at this and would, put the keetle on and make on for the Mum aswell. This was not the case here, the Dh was there!!! also and she offered to make tea.

A baby does not take two poeples contant attention at all times. one should be able to put the kettle on.

secondly, if there was a reason for not holding the baby, such as them becoming distressed (quite unusual ime) but if this was the case, explain the reason, kindly, and reassure aunty she will get lots of cuddles later.

It'scalled being nice!!! to poeple, who are, on the whole, trying to be nice to you!!!

It's being considerate and having a baby does not remove the need to have some consideration for poeples feelings. Why should it?

It may explain some craziness, but I object to it being made an excuse, so that evryone has to accept any rudeness from a new mothr.

agree with lavender again [fawning]

In our house "but I have a baby" is the joke way of saying "No, do it yourself, I'm a self obsessed 'nana"

Has the OP said whether there were previous tensions or arguments?

I just cannot believe anyone would say 'passed round strangers' about family if they were not annoyed or making some kind of point.

Message withdrawn

I think it is not unreasonable to be upset and hurt, and I think calling her a stranger was a hurtful thing to do. But I do think the OP needs to be a bit more understanding. Three weeks is a very short time. Yes the baby is no longer quite new born, but the parents certainly are still very new to it.

I wonder was the dad/brother there? Were the arrangements his or the mums? Because if he was there then he should have been the one making the tea, making sure the kitchen was tidy etc. Re. the grandparents, when the OP says both grandparents, was that both sets, because I would have felt quite differently about my mother holding the baby than my mother in law, in the same way I would have felt completely different about my sister compared with my sister in law. Also how much had they been around, because if they were regular visitors I imagine the parents would feel differently about it. I can see that it might have felt like a complete snub, and should have been handled better, but I don't really understand this "entitlement" to hold the baby (but then I'm not personally keen on babies, so might be missing the point). The other thing I wondered was whether the parents were worried about the OPs toddler. I remember thinking that small children were very dangerous when I had babies!

in all fairness, if the SIL's ma/pa were there as well, AND her DH, then at least one of them could have made the effort to get off their b/s and make the tea! 4 hours without a cuppa and with a 2yo is a long time.

Millec, how long did you end up staying at your brother's? If only half an hour then I suppose you could manage without a cuppa - hope you got one from your friends when you got there!

She was invited. She wasn't allowed to go into the kitchen and the dh didn't offer to do it for her. I doubt there was a starbucks nearby!

TBH - I think the OP brother has been the worst behaved of the lot. He was a lazy twat who couldn't be bothered to make his own sis a cup of tea!

As for SIL - I would cut her some slack. It was a thoughtless remark that should just be forgotten about.

FWIW I would have been abit miffed about the cuppa more because long journies with toddlers are exhausting.

Wot Bink said.

if manners maketh new mummy
then empathy and understanding maketh experienced mummy
you should try it!i recommend it

cut the new parents a bit of slack. do try recall what is like having a new baby

slep deprivation
overwhelmed
previously clean home messy
.....yes manners may well get forgotten
so what

Rude

'Can I hold the baby?' is the new parking spaces, working mums, breast/bottle isn't it?

I still think everyone who is on their high horse about how very RUDE and THOUGHTLESS of her, and OUTRAGEOUSLY PFB and GRANDPARENTS ALLOWED: DOUBLE STANDARDS and NOT EVEN A CUP OF TEA AND ALL THAT WAY WITH A TODDLER... needs to calm down a bit.

1. Taking the toddler was probably a bad idea anyway. No new mum, however close, really wants a hulking great yob near their baby. DRiving for 4 hours with a toddler to an event/place where they really need to be under some control is not a good idea either. And maybe you have forgotten how scary your first few mothering weeks are and how scary other children are near your baby

1. It is irrelevant whether the grandparents were allowed or they called OP a stranger. Point is, it is NOT unreasonable for them to decide what is best for their baby when they are feeling especially protective of it.

1. So what if they will get over that or you didn't give a flying fuck who bounced your newborn around: it's not you, it's her.

1. You don't have any rights over that tiny person. It is a person. It is not a dolly to make you feel better or special. Its job is to just be. Its (new) parents' job is to protect it. In whatever way they see fit. And if the baby has been passed to 2, 3 or 20 people already today and had a heel prick test or been weighed naked and screaming by yet another midwife or HV and won't feed and is not sleeping and if the parents have just had enough of well-meaning but exhausting visitors who are not their closest bosom buddies and who expect cups of tea, then why the hell shouldn't they say no.