VENT .. are all DH like this??

[Lifestresslifestress]

Venting anonymously and name changed for this.

Is this normal because I’m getting fed up of being the one holding it all together!

We have 3 kids , 8,6 & 2. We have the usual amount of stress in our lives , no huge events and DH’s job is medium stress levels I would say.

On paper he is a good dad, sometimes he is amazing. Loves to take them places and does his fair share of drop offs, pick ups and child/house things. Which he reminds me often 🙄

I work part time and have the kids at home or clubs from school pickup until he is back 6pm ish. Usually he leaves early so he has not seen them all day. He comes home, I get that he’s had a long day, but he has such a short fuse with them and it just feels like he does not want to be around them. They are so excited to see him and he just immediately launches into huffing and puffing about the state of the house, the noise, who left this here , stop messing around etc.

Evenings are chaotic, I get it. But he just wants to rush through to bed time. Very low patience, kicks off for the tiniest things, blames it on being hungry/tired etc. I compensate massively by trying to manage their behaviour , keep things running smoothly and happily and it’s getting me down a bit now. I feel worn down by it and I worry it’s upsetting them too.

AIBU?

It’s really irrelevant that other parents can cope ok with their children in the evenings. The OPs husband isn’t and it’s affecting family like. It sounds like if there aren’t any stressors then he’s a loving and involved dad. The OP mentions that he’s always been like this. Maybe he’s this way because of his upbringing, maybe it’s some form of neurodivisity or maybe he’s got burnout. It sounds like he needs to talk to a healthcare professional to get to the bottom of things.

Why is the house so messy?
Especially as you know he hates it.
When I got home from work I couldn't cope with a messy house.

YABU.

and if that's the case, he needs to be sorting it out himself. OP has 3 children, not 4.

I would 100% recommend the book “adult children of emotionally immature parents”.

It is very likely that your husband’s parents were emotionally immature and he has grown up with their ideas about kids. He clearly can’t process his own feelings.

It has helped me massively with my own parents and changing my approach to parenting. I had been doing too much like my parents! None of us are perfect, and his anger is coming from feeling like he’s not good enough so he’s taking it out on them.

I wouldn’t wave the book in his face diagnosing him, but it might help to say “did your parents do xyz when you were a kid?”

Counselling is probably a good idea!

I've only read the first couple of pages and then your posts, OP, but I just wanted to comment that my dh is like this too and i get you. I don't think he is abusive and I do think many fathers are like this. My father was too.
I think they don't like walking into mess and chaos, and from experience, it is a lot harder to walk into if you haven't been part of making it. I'm part time too so I'm usually the one that brings them home from school and if I've got them crafting/making playdoh I consider that a win! Better than TV but on the odd occasion I've walked in after a gruelling late meeting or something and he's horse-playing with them and the sofa cushions are all over the floor, I do instinctively feel pissed off so I try to remember that.
The other thing I try though is not to let it affect me. I try to not change my behaviour to mitigate his. So if he comes in with a face on and starts huffing about I have to curb my instinctive response to fix his problem.
It doesn't go as far as slamming doors though, mine isn't that bad yet.
Also, mine is diagnosed (for many years) with anxiety and depression. Noisy, chaotic scenes are a thing for him. So it's not a surprise. But like you, i do find it a disappointment.
Sorry xx

I've only read the first couple of pages and then your posts, OP, but I just wanted to comment that my dh is like this too and i get you. I don't think he is abusive and I do think many fathers are like this. My father was too.
I think they don't like walking into mess and chaos, and from experience, it is a lot harder to walk into if you haven't been part of making it. I'm part time too so I'm usually the one that brings them home from school and if I've got them crafting/making playdoh I consider that a win! Better than TV but on the odd occasion I've walked in after a gruelling late meeting or something and he's horse-playing with them and the sofa cushions are all over the floor, I do instinctively feel pissed off so I try to remember that.
The other thing I try though is not to let it affect me. I try to not change my behaviour to mitigate his. So if he comes in with a face on and starts huffing about I have to curb my instinctive response to fix his problem.
It doesn't go as far as slamming doors though, mine isn't that bad yet.
Also, mine is diagnosed (for many years) with anxiety and depression. Noisy, chaotic scenes are a thing for him. So it's not a surprise. But like you, i do find it a disappointment.
Sorry xx

I can see both sides. My kids know that in the morning I need coffee before talking. We also understand that anyone pestering anyone the minute they walk in the door is poor form. We have a guideline that anyone coming home is to be given space to get in the door which means allowing each other to come home, get changed, eat something and chill out for a half hour. This guideline applies to everyone. As the kids become teenagers, they also realise the benefit of consideration for others.

Because its a home

He sounds pathetic.

You may not want to admit it but your husband is abusive.

It is NOT recommended to have marital or any joint counseling with an abuser. It will not fix anything, it will give your husband more material to abuse you with, you cannot be truthful without repercussion, and you have a very imbalanced power dynamic in your marriage. If your counselor figures it out, they will stop joint and recommend individual. At least that's what they do where I am.

I would recommend you access domestic violence resources. If on your phone or laptop, use a private browser.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It's available as a free PDF online. Put it in a hidden folder.

But one works part time, the other full time, so why is the full time one supposed to be doing what the part time one is meant to do.

Sounds about right. Male children are worst as kids, but female children are worst as adults and teenagers but there ae exceptions. Stay motivated, its a part of the job, conversations are needed with the children.

OP from what you say I'd say it's very possible your DH is ND in some way - in particular, autistic.

Not coping well with crises/when things are off - because it's unexpected/a routine change.

Exploding after work - struggling with transition from working at his job to being Husband & Dad plus general sensory and/or demand overwhelm leading to the coke bottle effect.

He possibly finds the kids too noisy when they're "bouncy" rather than quietly hugging him - not anything they're doing but his brain perceiving the sound differently and overwhelming his nervous system i.e. going into fight or flight which he can't control. If this is the case he doesn't mean to make you all feel as you do, even if he never apologises or explains how he feels - difficulty seeing another person's point of view/not realising an apology is needed.

My DF can be like this occasionally but is mostly a good dad/husband/person. Much less so now he is retired interestingly enough - would explain why DH is ok on holiday/when things are going well.

I was diagnosed with Aspergers aged 16 (now 40) so DF most probably is also ND - very common for ND people to have at least one ND parent.

My DM is just used to it I think and seems unbothered at the time but calls him Victor Meldrew (from One Foot in the Grave) and says he was born annoyed 😄

Do you think this is a possibility OP? Any concerns about any of the kids also? And his own DF if this was normal growing up?

This is what i think too.

I think your husband sounds depressed, and quite significantly so.
A lot of the replies on this thread are incredibly harsh and intolerant, as seems to be the way on MN. There's an abundance of bitterness and resentment on lots of threads.

My husband doesn't care about mess, and he's endlessly patient. I'm a bit different, I like a tidy home (tidy house, tidy mind) and I like time to myself. In your husband's position (three kids under 10, long hours, long commute, coming home to noise and mess) I would've been utterly miserable.

While our (only) daughter was young, I worked a maximum of 2 days a week then left my career (I'd achieved everything I wanted to at work) and became a housewife. I loved, and still do, my pace of life. It would've been SO different if I'd been working full time and commuting. Is there scope for your husband to do less hours at work? Is WFH an option, to reduce the commute?

I agree. So much aggression. It's always the husband is a bastard, oh the poor wife. It's so simplistic. There are bastard men. There are bastard women. And then there are a lot of people with issues who struggle. The lack if any kind of attempt to understand people and situations, except at the most basic level, is staggering. And the need to pass judgement, hiwever misplaced. Good lord.

This

Ok not that I need to defend myself but I will try.
the house is clean but surface level messy because I prioritise my children having fun, playing, making things and spending time with me over keeping a beautifully neat and tidy house.

also whoever suggested I trapped him with a 3rd child wtf absolutely not ! He wanted it too. Maybe he regrets it now who knows. he was the same with 1 or 2 kids just a bit less.

I appreciate those pointing out maybe he’s depressed , or autistic . All things which are possible. Something to try and get him to think about I guess .

You do not owe anybody sex
You are not responsible for someone else’s moods

@Lifestresslifestress after reading your updates I do agree with other posters saying he is being abusive. It’s not ok for him to be swearing around and at the kids / slamming doors on a DAILY basis due to regular kids mess / playing. The last example you mentioned of him losing it because your child tipped some water out of the bath - meanwhile he sits on the phone for the whole of the evening whilst you sort out bath/ bed for 3 kids.

It also does sound a bit like he’s gaslighting you - if you ever challenge this behaviour you should feel grateful because he cooks meals and knows where the hoover is? I would have such an ick I wouldn’t even be able to share the same room with him let alone his “preference” of sex 6 times a week to de-stress. Does he ever ask you what you would need to de-stress?

He doesn’t seem to value the unpaid work you do in the house and has warped expectations of you/ the kids as well as delusions of how much he is helping out which he is using to make you feel bad.

I would urge you to re -read your posts. You keep saying how wonderful he can be - but only if you’re on holiday, the house is tidy, the kids are sleeping or not ill, you’re shagging him 6x a week. This is not an amazing husband / father.

counselling may help unpick some of it and I hopefully improve some behaviour and your relationship long term but in the interim his aggressive behaviour needs to stop immediately - you say the kids are copying him and they will be feeling the impact of this.

https://womensaid.org.uk - you can get some telephone advice here on his behaviour around the kids and you.

Also although my job is part time I don’t have any time during the week when I am home without them to ensure a spotless house.
I am either at home with them or out at activities/work

No possibility for either of us to work from home

its not like I sit at home refusing to tidy up!

Well he sounds ND to me. My partner is and his ears are like radar. Things almost literally hurt his ears. And years ago, I used to come home from work and the person I was sharing with at the time used to start talking non stop coz they' d been alone all day. I'd been doing casework and my brain was frazzled and the person's words that I shared with would cut through my head like a knife and I used to have to get away because I couldn't stand it. No kids involved. Just people and their quirks. Some people dont cope well with certain stuff. It's a fact. Your partner maybe needs to explore what is going on because clearly something is. And the people on here saying what a dreadful person he is are being simplistic in their analysis.

Two things can be true. He can be ND (although not diagnosed at all) and his behaviour can also be awful and have a lasting impact on their children.

The children who have not chosen to be born are of paramount importance here which is why people are keen for this to be addressed. A diagnosis of ND won’t change the fact he has 3 children - all planned - that can be messy, noisy, and play. Unless he decides to just not come home, he as the adult needs to find way to manage his feelings rather than shouting/ swearing and slamming doors every night - the problem here is the OP is trying to modify her behaviour and the kids in a way that is unrealistic so he doesn’t “explode” when he gets home, meanwhile he has no insight into his behaviour and how that’s affecting the whole house.

I don't know how clean but messy works. Like messy throughout the whole house? Dishes in the sink and piles of laundry throughout the house? You can spend time with children cleaning and organising. It's good for them to learn structure like playing after chores.
Partners need some consideration too. I guess it depends though on the whole picture which none of us have. When my kids were young we had some days where the mess was overwhelming. But i had a useless partner who did literally nothing and was messy and I had no down time ever at all. As they got older, I got more efficient because I can't function in chaos and the kids were able to help more. By the time I returned to full time work, I found myself with two jobs and filed for divorce. I really couldn't understand why I was coming home to a messy house with no food cooked when it was something I did myself when I was at home. I don't know about your situation. In my mind a lot would depend on what he does with the home and kids. Does he ever cook, plan events, clean the house? Or does he just provide financially and play with the kids sometimes? Definitely try to talk about each other's expectations and feelings. Marriage and parenting are not easy. Good luck OP.

I mean kitchen/bathrooms clean but kids mess everywhere.
So - let’s say I am home with the 3 of them from 3.30-6. In that time I’ve done dinner and cleaned that up. I don’t tend to leave dishes. I will usually hang out the wash I’ve put on in the morning but while I’m doing that they have covered the dining table in crafts/Lego/Playdough whatever and the little one has got out all the barbies and emptied their clothes on the floor etc etc

are other peoples kids not like this?! I feel like it’s like trying to mop up the sea 😂

Also I actually want to be a mum that plays with them not just doing back to back chores