VENT .. are all DH like this??

[Lifestresslifestress]

Venting anonymously and name changed for this.

Is this normal because I’m getting fed up of being the one holding it all together!

We have 3 kids , 8,6 & 2. We have the usual amount of stress in our lives , no huge events and DH’s job is medium stress levels I would say.

On paper he is a good dad, sometimes he is amazing. Loves to take them places and does his fair share of drop offs, pick ups and child/house things. Which he reminds me often 🙄

I work part time and have the kids at home or clubs from school pickup until he is back 6pm ish. Usually he leaves early so he has not seen them all day. He comes home, I get that he’s had a long day, but he has such a short fuse with them and it just feels like he does not want to be around them. They are so excited to see him and he just immediately launches into huffing and puffing about the state of the house, the noise, who left this here , stop messing around etc.

Evenings are chaotic, I get it. But he just wants to rush through to bed time. Very low patience, kicks off for the tiniest things, blames it on being hungry/tired etc. I compensate massively by trying to manage their behaviour , keep things running smoothly and happily and it’s getting me down a bit now. I feel worn down by it and I worry it’s upsetting them too.

AIBU?

Wtf yellow book nonsense is this. Why don't you have one last sweep of the house freshen up, put a bow in your hair and remember nothing you have to say is as important as his day...

Tell him to sort his shit out. Take 5 min in the car /wlak round blovk to collect himself and then stop being a dick to his kids

My dad was like this growing up. We would be excited to see him, watching his car pull in and he would be so short and moody because “he just got in”. My mum used to have to keep us away. Honestly, by the time we were older we would see his car pull in and know the atmosphere was about to change and go up to our bedrooms and keep away. Ive been very careful to choose someone who is not like him to have children with - we just have the one at the moment but my husband really matches my toddlers excitement when he walks through the door and is is usually asking if we can keep him up a bit longer so he has more time with him!

This sounds suspiciously like the advice given to wives in the 1950s.
Hoping you’re joking.

He is spoilt and behaving like a child, so that YOU have to manage HIS discomfort

He needs to fucking grow up and take on responsibility for the situation.

OP, you change your behaviour and environment to try and plicate him.

Your children are copying his bad behaviour.

He shows his children they are an inconvenience to him.

He openly treats you badly in front of them.

You have sex when you don’t want to, to keep him happy.

His emotional status dictates the house.

You are in an abusive relationship.

Consider this: Your daughters will marry someone like him and your sons will become him. How does that make you feel?

That must've been hard.
It's lovely to read though, that your husband is the opposite.
My Dad worked offshore, and he spent all of his leave taking us places and cooking for us (and catching up on the ironing 😂 My Mum hated ironing).

@Floatingdownriver tbf her dds may not marry a man like that
I married a man so different to my father its staggering.
What happened was i hated my father and had no respect for my mother and had no relationship with them till i eventually went no contact.
How does that sound OP?

No talk of dinner. Is he hungry?

Pls. Do u abuse your family if you are hungry?

We had the same. If you got up in the mornings while he was getting ready, especially if he was short on time, it was like you had to hide or you would get an earful at best and hit at worse.
My Dad did also hit us a lot because screaming and shouting wasnt enough! And it wasnt just a tap either. He was nasty because he couldn't control his temper and was moody. We would do the same and avoid him.

OP people will all give different opinions because everyone bases it on their own experiences. Actually as an adult I do wonder if my Dad is ND but even if he is, he needed to learn to control his temper and it was an awful environment to grow up in. I resented my Mum a lot because she was in a position to change our childhood and she did nothing. Your children cannot change their circumstances but you can. If you want this relationship to last, you both need to figure out how to change it so your children dont grow up feeling like they have to be quiet and hide up to avoid the tantrums from your Husband. And you need to learn to speak up for yourself aswell. Maybe a chat with women's aid because I think with the tempers and the potential sexual coercion, I would bet there is more that you put as normal behaviour that just isnt. Before you consider anything I've counselling as a couple, I would consider some advice on your own to see if thats the right step as I wonder if you actually minimise his behaviour a bit in your head.

Like @dellmouseI ensured I didn't marry anyone remotely like that and my Husband is genuinely an amazing Dad and Husband and is the most calm and loving influence, so if nothing else, my upbringing showed me exactly what to avoid!

And? My ex-DH (not ex because of this) was always very hungry - just built like that, DS1 is the same- he was young & fit & had been working all day. He came in ravenous. After a few weeks of him exclaiming this every day when we moved in together, I suggested he bloody well did something about it- like eat extra at his break, or have healthy snacks in the car/ train on the way home or have actually made things ready in the fridge that he can quickly munch before dinner.

He took it on board. To this day- 25 years later- he is a brilliant cook & has a fridge bursting with interesting things to just grab/ heat up. He's also a huge batch cooker so DS1 and DS2 know to cook & plan. I'll be forever grateful to him for reinforcing these skills/ teaching them to be better cooks than I'll ever be. He sends me & DP the most amazing curries/ pizza dough/ lasagne. I respond with home baking/ providing him with thoughtful emotionally mature sons!

DS1 (21) regularly cooks for his gf & tidies/ cleans/ hoovers her student flat if she's up & about before him. Her flatmates love him, as do his own flatmates.

OP your son needs to learn from a proper father.
Edited to say that DS2 (19) is ND & it's much harder for him to be organised, but we're all training him & constantly talking about what he needs to do & he will learn.

@SockPlant

Jeez!!!
Welcome back to the 1950's housewife.

Don't forget to spritz yourself with a dash of perfume and a bit of lipstick, and make sure the biscuits are presented on a fine bone china plate.

Mine used to do this too, until the day I snapped. My son (33 now!) reminds me of the day I burst into tears and asked for just a bit of space when I got in, then they can tell me about their days - which were usually about things that had gone wrong!

You have to modify your behaviour and the kids to ensure he doesn’t get upset. This is an abuser. It’s not just physical abuse.

he needs sex to decompress. It’s just another thing you need to do to please him.

you said your kids are copying. Is this how you want your children to act with their partner?

it doesn’t matter what kind of shitty day you’ve had, parenting is 24/7.

he is emotionally abusing you and you need to realise this. You can deny it now as you might not be ready to see it just yet.

there is support out there

ask him if this is how he wants the kids to remember him/their childhood with him.

😂😂😂 my husband loves nothing more than getting in from work and having our daughter run up for cuddles. She has missed him all day. Once home he is a dad and a husband. If he wants a cup of tea I’m sure he knows where the kettle is.

This post makes me quite sad OP. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Looking at all your updates, this obviously isn't an occasional occurrence, which might be more understandable if he'd had a particularly bad day; you say he shouts and swears at the kids on a daily basis, for just doing normal kid things. This is not normal and he risks alienating them as they get older.

DH and I both worked when our DDs were growing up - him full time and me part time, so a very similar set up to you. He had a sometimes stressful job and a long commute too, but he never took it out on our DDs. They were always excited to see him at the end of the day, and he would reciprocate. I would, however, after the initial excitement died down, make sure they then left him alone for 30 minutes while he had his cup of tea. Just having that little bit of downtime was enough for him, and then we would do the bedtime routine together so that he still got to spend some time with them. Does your DH help with the bedtime routine, even if it's just reading them a bedtime story? This would be a great way for him to bond with them.

As others have suggested, I wonder if he might be autistic, or possibly have ADHD? These can both cause problems with emotional regulation (and the latter with impulse control) which can lead to angry outbursts such as your DH displays. Either that, or he just has anger issues, which is not your job to try and fix. You shouldn't be having to pussy-foot around him for fear of upsetting him.

Only you can decide if you're willing to put up with this, but it's really not fair on your DC imo. I do think counselling would be a good idea.

You forgot about his pipe and slippers. 😱

I also work in a stressful environment, I do not expect my husband and child to wait on me when I get in the house! They have also both had busy/stressful days at work/sixth form. We all take care of each other and listen.

He's responsible for regulating his own emotions. It's not up to the op to manage conditions so that he doesn't have to. If he needs to decompress then he needs to figure out how to do that without losing his temper and impacting everyone.

Have you told him how his behaviour effects the rest of you? Give him a chance to change?

Working part-time doesn’t mean a relaxed schedule. It often means running around like crazy, racing from drop off, to work, to pick up. It means never having a second to breathe. It means skipping lunch so you can get your work done and be prepared to parent. It’s not the life of leisure that people make it out to be.

I think this is a culture/growing up in a certain household type of thing. He sees not managing his emotional regulation as totally normal for a father (e.g. "I'm annoyed because they're annoying, so I'll shout at them, swear, make them feel like it's their fault" rather than "I'm feeling annoyed, I'll take a deep breath and remember that's my feeling and not anybodies fault")
If possible, I'd write down how it feels when this type of situation occurs (I suspect it makes you anxious, tense, feelings of guilt etc) and calmly set some boundaries in terms of what is ok in your home for your mental wellbeing. In the old days this would be when dad's would belt their kids/wife and now we see that as abuse. The reality is, he knows he can't hit you all but the actual anger and emotions behind that behaviour haven't been dealt with, it's the same issue just a different outcome and that outcome (whilst better) isn't good.
If you can set some boundaries, and he will listen, he then needs to learn to manage his stress/frustration/annoyance/anger - maybe counselling, maybe anger management classes, or books or podcasts, whatever he likes. He needs to accept it's a problem first though. Ultimately, kids are annoying (God love them) and messy houses are irritating, and walking in to it all is more stressful than when you're just a couple. Those are all his feelings to sort out, not yours, not your kids. Maybe part of him managing those emotions is he does need to go straight upstairs and maybe, change clothes or take 5, and I'd support him with what he needs to do that, he might need some tools, he might make mistakes or struggle but if he tries the i would support him as much as you can. However, if he won't admit that his inability to manage his emotions is causing harm/anxiety to you and the kids, then he won't change and it might get worse. I'd personally not put up with that. You're not his emotional punchbag.
I grew up with a shouty, angry dad. Luckily he got anger management counselling eventually, but I've been left with chronic anxiety and people pleasing tendencies, and I've had counselling for that - don't let his inherited shit, roll down the hill to your children.

They will also see this as normal behavour and think its ok to be like that potentially they could becaome a parent that also treats there kids like that, maybe if he needs ro decopress, he should take a moment to do that before entering the house so he is ready for what is a normal evening with kids.

Sounds horrible! Thankfully my Dad never hit us - he wasn’t a physically violent man and he wouldn’t throw things but his mood was awful! The best way I can describe it is it felt like a black cloud came over the house when something upset him and we were always walking on eggshells around him. Definitely wasn’t seen as abusive in the 90s/ 00s but I see it differently now as an adult.
He worked shift work and on his off days could be good fun - I think that made it worse because he could be off for 3/4 days, jolly and playing with us then switch - as a child you don’t know whether your coming or going as you obviously don’t understand you’re annoying. My mum is the most patient person I know and I’ve never been made to feel like I’m getting on her nerves so it was really tough changing behaviour between the two parents.