VENT .. are all DH like this??

[Lifestresslifestress]

Venting anonymously and name changed for this.

Is this normal because I’m getting fed up of being the one holding it all together!

We have 3 kids , 8,6 & 2. We have the usual amount of stress in our lives , no huge events and DH’s job is medium stress levels I would say.

On paper he is a good dad, sometimes he is amazing. Loves to take them places and does his fair share of drop offs, pick ups and child/house things. Which he reminds me often 🙄

I work part time and have the kids at home or clubs from school pickup until he is back 6pm ish. Usually he leaves early so he has not seen them all day. He comes home, I get that he’s had a long day, but he has such a short fuse with them and it just feels like he does not want to be around them. They are so excited to see him and he just immediately launches into huffing and puffing about the state of the house, the noise, who left this here , stop messing around etc.

Evenings are chaotic, I get it. But he just wants to rush through to bed time. Very low patience, kicks off for the tiniest things, blames it on being hungry/tired etc. I compensate massively by trying to manage their behaviour , keep things running smoothly and happily and it’s getting me down a bit now. I feel worn down by it and I worry it’s upsetting them too.

AIBU?

I am sorry, but I would describe him as abusive.
You are basically describing behaviour where you modify what you do to ensure he does not lose his temper and then he is also controlling what you do by not letting you leave mess to the next day to clear up. He’s not exactly saying you need to clear it up now, but that is the effect. If he was so bothered by the mess, he would tidy up himself.
I am sure he can regulate his emotions when he is at work.
And as for sex to ‘de-stress’, normal people go to the gym, not expect another person to provide sex. Quite frankly, if a man was behaving like that in my house, my legs would clamp shut.
Do you think he actually sees you as an equal human being to him or a service provider?
Maybe he will listen to a professional, but I would be surprised, to be honest. I think it speaks volumes that you know he won’t listen to you.

Sorry I should have been more clear - what he said about cleaning up he says that to the kids .. not me.

its like the irritate him by just existing and being children

Maybe you need a hobby that keeps you out of the house till 7, then you can come home and huff about the state of the place until he gets the message that, as you both work, this is the way things are and he is equally responsible.

I just find that men generally are not as patient as women are, mine complain about the noise children are making, to me is normal children playing and doesn't bother me.

Who exactly wanted 3 kids, him or you? If it was you, then did you trap him into it? Men aren't usually baby-mad in the way some daft women are, and they can find it difficult to cope with more kids than they actually wanted, though all that should have been discussed before the first pregnancy.

Yeah, maybe he’s on his period 🙄

Exactly what's wrong in today's relationships!!
When you've been at work you don't want to come home to chaos, that either person.

@Challenger2A7 you do know how babies are made, as I am sure OP’s DH does. If he didn’t want 3 kids he could do things to prevent having 3 kids

This is coercive control - making you feel silly when you bring things up, And making comments like I’m not as perfect as you. This is all a power trip for him, He is cohesively controlling you And it’s been normalised. As I said, I didn’t know I was being abused either, Because this behaviour is so subtle, it’s not identified as such Until it’s too late.

My dh wouldn't be the most patient man on earth and he had a very stressful job but as soon as he came in from work the 3 kids were on top of him climbing on his back, wrestling or in Summer straight out to kick ball while dinner was being prepared. He wasn't the best to tidy up but never ever commented on a messy room. Don't think he actually noticed. To be honest l didn't like the sound of your dh but when you said sex 5 or 6 nights a week l was really worried for you. You are in a very bad situation l am afraid and need to seek help from a counsellor or your GP as this man is bad news..genuinely. There is a lot of support here. Please listen to others like me who don't have the perfect marriages but see that yours is not good for you or your children.

When I got home from work - especially if I'd had a bad day and was tired and grumpy - my wife would shove me into the front room with the kids, who would climb all over me, tell me about their day, ask me to play table tennis. 45 minutes of that would restore my good mood, my sense of perspective and my equilibrium and then we could all join my DW for dinner and the rest of the evening. The kids were my life savers 😍

I use to drive 40 minutes home after a long day and the traffic was horrible. I did not find it decompressing at all, quite the opposite.

If he isn’t like this at the weekends, has he tried, at the end of his commute, sitting in the car for 20 minutes while he has some fruit or a sandwich or something? Maybe meditate if he’s the sort to go in for that. Or listen to some 20 minute playlists of mellow music he loves. He does sound like he’s a bit hangry/stressed out and might just need a little space.

If he's always been like this, my vagina would've clamped shut after the first child.

No, not all DH's are like this at all. We both work full time with 3 DC's under 5 and it really isn't hard to give them a bit of attention when you haven't seen them since breakfast or not at all in your DH's case.

I wouldn't stay with someone like that.

That's a shame and hard for you to have sympathy when you are with the kids a lot more than him. I know I used to sit in the car for a few mins before collecting the kids from the childminder .. but I'm talking about a couple of mins! Yes he may have had a busy stressful day and drive, but that long day is in itself a break from the chaos and demands of children.

I would ask him how he could change his routine / strategies to be more relaxed as the kids are picking up on it. Could he give them a hug, quick shower and change into comfy clothes and would that make him feel more relaxed? I know I like to get out of my work clothes asap and then feel more homey IYSWIM.

Losing his temper with small children is never acceptable.

Oh fuck off.

I think there is more chance of him taking me seriously if a professional is present!

I think I missed this when I first read through your posts, OP.

To me, this is with the bit about making you feel silly when you raise things is worrying in a pretty major way and a lot less addressable than emotional regulation.

Please read this back.

It’s not ok if you ever feel nagged for sex and that you have to give in. I hope you know that.

There is a lot in this thread that is very concerning and I think it’s not a great environment for your children.

Please don’t get couples counselling at this stage, it’s not recommended where one of the parties is on the abusive side. I would explore individual counselling first for you - where you can explore his behaviour and hopefully work out that it is not ok, not at all. It seems you have been a bit conditioned by him to tiptoe around his moods, likely your children are too.

Hmm well I wouldn't have coped with coming straight in from work to be bombarded by kids every day either . Fortunately I could finish before needing to pick them up from whatever childcare and have half hour to chill with a cuppa which made me much better with dealing with them

It just gets worse and worse.
You're in complete denial to the extent of the abuse and he is a sex pest.
Having sex when you feel pressure is rape.
You do realise this?

You and those poor children are victims of domestic abuse.

You seriously need to wake up to this.
Counselling is not recommended when abuse is involved.
You need to contact a domestic abuse charity.

This plus being tired. Those things need to be sorted out. Probably has a lot to do with it.

All the men in my life have been like this. Of course it’s not right but I do think it’s common. I tell my current partner “This is why they prefer me.” He doesn’t care.

I’m constantly nagging my dh for this to an extent if I haven’t managed to tidy etc before he gets in I start to worry as I can immediately tell if he’s not happy with the house when he walks in. It’s totally uncomfortable. He also moans at the kids for not eating properly or just anything really which is my issue because as you say they are not with them the majority of the time. It’s tiring. I do point it out to him though and try not to let him get away with it. I can be equally as grumpy sometimes but I spend a lot more time with the kids and when I get grumpy is normally at the end of telling them 10tkmes to do something rather than walking through the door and immediately being grumpy. I don’t have much of a solution other than to call him out on it at somepoint see what he says and consider his response x

Do you have sex with him when you're not in the mood? Are you having sex with him just to keep the peace?

Please ignore the posters suggesting you monitor his nutrition and lunch habits. FFS.

This is not normal - most dads are keen to see their kids as soon as they walk through the door - I worked 2 or 3 days a week so those nights we were equally tired and split the bedtime but the days I was home he came in and immediately took over if it was feeding dinner to the toddler or a bit later and they were at bath stage - as a dad he should be champing at the bit to get stuck in with the last bit of the day with his kids - he should look at this last hour or so as his catch up with the kids day - I have memories of DH asking about school and what they did that day and being so interested in their little silly stories - point out this to him - he is missing out on this stage