VENT .. are all DH like this??

[Lifestresslifestress]

Venting anonymously and name changed for this.

Is this normal because I’m getting fed up of being the one holding it all together!

We have 3 kids , 8,6 & 2. We have the usual amount of stress in our lives , no huge events and DH’s job is medium stress levels I would say.

On paper he is a good dad, sometimes he is amazing. Loves to take them places and does his fair share of drop offs, pick ups and child/house things. Which he reminds me often 🙄

I work part time and have the kids at home or clubs from school pickup until he is back 6pm ish. Usually he leaves early so he has not seen them all day. He comes home, I get that he’s had a long day, but he has such a short fuse with them and it just feels like he does not want to be around them. They are so excited to see him and he just immediately launches into huffing and puffing about the state of the house, the noise, who left this here , stop messing around etc.

Evenings are chaotic, I get it. But he just wants to rush through to bed time. Very low patience, kicks off for the tiniest things, blames it on being hungry/tired etc. I compensate massively by trying to manage their behaviour , keep things running smoothly and happily and it’s getting me down a bit now. I feel worn down by it and I worry it’s upsetting them too.

AIBU?

He’s abusive.

Both of my parents were like this. Coming home from school, I never knew what my home environment would be like. I was frightened of my parents.

As an adult, I have severe depression and anxiety, struggle with relationships and have been diagnosed with PTSD.

Your kids are lucky they have one calm parent. They need you to deal with this. Tell him he needs to get help for his inability to control his anger, or he’s out.

Sounds like you're winning to me! Food cooked, laundry done, dishes generally not left and kids engaged with real shit and not screens. Absolutely kids are like this. Also I'm reminded that my ex husband's lack of engagement with the kids was another huge factor. Like, be connected instead of resentful feeling.
Do you ever get time off from the kids where he looks after them and sorts out dinner and home? My ex would play with the kids and take them places. But I don't think he ever really understood how much goes into raising children. Over time that ignorance is a choice though.
If the kids are happy and the household is functioning and dinners cooked I think he's lucky to have you.

100% this.

Your DH sounds like he gets overstimulated by all the noise and chaos. I have recently started back at work, and I experience those same challenges when arriving home (my DP works from home).

i agree with previous posters who said to try and give him a short window of time (even 5-10 mins) when arriving home to switch gears. I very much need this some days after work. Just because my DP doesn’t, does that invalidate my need for it? No! Some posters have very little empathy and understanding of how this is difficult for some people. It’s not about going back to the 1950s, it’s about supporting your DP (and he should support you in ways that you need it, which may be different).

I think in his childhood this was normal

Next time the pair of you have enough peace to talk, ask him to cast his mind back to how he felt.

My dad was worse than this, but none of us talked about it until we were planning his funeral. We were all terrified of Dad getting home. Each of us had a memory about hearing his car pull in, his footsteps on the path, key in the door, and how it meant going on high alert - fear, in short. We were afraid when our father came home. He had a high-stress job. We were more than aware this meant his feelings mattered and ours didn't.

If DH, as a boy, was required to alter his behaviour and suppress himself on his father's return, ask him what that felt like. As a child, how happy was he when Dad came in? If he was proud of a test score, excited to have been picked for a team, eager to show off a new skill, how long did he have to wait before telling him? What did this childhood ritual teach him about his value?

He may have internalised a 'law' that family must show deference and obedience to the returning father. This, then, could be playing subconsciously, actually causing the irritability that sours his children's evening - the stress coming not from his work day, but from a sense of displacement: whether he realises it or not, he may be frustrated that his children don't treat him with the awe his own father demanded of him.

I'm assuming he does want his own kids to like him and feel happy to involve him in their little lives. Perhaps a bit of a think about it will help him relax and be open to them.

give him a short window of time (even 5-10 mins) when arriving home to switch gears. I very much need this some days after work

Then do it in the car, on a bench, or stop for a coffee. Don't give your kids the repeated message that they're an unbearable nuisance to you.

That's a fair point. It's possible this hasn't occurred to him. I always sneak alone time in on trips home. Sometimes that solitary sushi and soda prior to walking in the door is the highlight of my week.

Ok, a lot of replies - thanks all for taking the time!
the opinions are very varied . Ranging from he is abusive, an arse, possibly autistic, depressed or mental health issues, that I am expecting too much and not looking after him or the house well enough!

I don’t know what to think , I guess I need to speak to him about it. Tricky when he is extremely defensive and often turns it on me ‘attacking’ his parenting/character etc. but I am going to give it a go.

Good luck OP. Only you really know the ins and outs of your situation and what's right for you. Sending good vibes for the upcoming discussion and that he opens his heart along with his ears. You are doing a hell of a lot with kids, home and paid work. Take care!

Dysregulated at the mess and noise. Does he have any neurodivergent traits this sounds like meltdowns after demands are too high all day. He needs to learn to regulate himself.

many ND women are mothers and as they have repeatedly pointed out, manage to parent perfectly well without slamming around, swearing and making their children and partner walk on eggshells

like so many men whose wives/partners post on MN he likes the idea of a wife and family more than the reality of actually having one

What on earth have I just read!?

He is perfectly capable of asking politely for them to give him 20 mins when he gets in. He's an adult and their parent. No tea required.

Jesus no. Don't teach the kids that the world revolves around men who must be pandered to if they get grumpy.

He is an aggressive, controlling sex pest. It doesn't matter if he's depressed or neurodivergent - neither of these diagnoses are excuses to behave abusively.

My (autistic) husband has a stressful job with long hours (he's a surgical consultant). When he arrives home the children run at him and he gives them big hugs and asks how their days were. After a few minutes he goes to get changed and then comes down and eats his dinner, usually with the youngest sitting on his lap (recently dropped the nap, tired and needs help at dinner time). Then I go and do some chores upstairs (run the bath, hang the laundry etc.) and he clears the dishes. Then he bathes the children while I sort uniforms and things and we both do bedtimes.

After the kids are down he usually clears up the toys and so on with Bluetooth headphones in and decompresses with some comedy show on while he tidies, I'll be sorting the next wash and other bits. He can be quiet and distant then, often he sees people on the worst day of their life, but he is never grumpy or cranky. At the weekends he does lots of crafting with the kids (he's very creative, they join in with whatever he's doing) and takes them out for nature walks, both of which help him to manage his stress levels.

We have sex when we both want to which works out at a couple of times a week. It's not something he "gets" from me, it's mutual.

Beware counselling with an abuser, he will manipulate the therapist and use the sessions against you. Pursue instead individual therapy and tell the counsellor the truth about how you are afraid of him (you are afraid of him you realise, you modify your behaviour to placate him and you need your children not to learn that that's normal).

God forbid we should do anything nice for anyone we share our homes with. What a strange place Mumsnet is.

I must admit comments like the tea thing are good for perspective . I’m now thinking wow maybe I am lucky to have a DH who doesn’t insist I make him a cup of tea on arrival ! what am I complaining about!

Messy? She's clearly explained that's it's children's toys... that they are playing with. She's not dirty, she's done the laundry, fed the kids, put away the dishes, started sorting baths sometimes.

So the house is so messy because 3 children live there

To be fair I used to hate being bombarded when I got home even now with a teen there’s nothing I hate more than being out of the house for 12 hours walking in and being asked what’s for tea.

How is his commute? Is it short or stressful? Ironically a short commute by car meant for me I wasnt having any time to decompress from work I actually get the train in this job which gives me half an hour to unwind, listen to music or read so I’m revived again when I walk in the door.

My exh used to sit and chill in the car for 10 minutes to wind down (not the reason he’s an ex!) but that genuinely didn’t bother me. Sometimes by that time of the day you’re exhausted. Not everyone is the same, everyone has different jobs/stress levels/amount of people needing you all day etc and I find it unrealistic to give everyone the same expectations all the time.

But the OP is busy enough. She’s been at work herself all day then picked up the kids, taken them to any clubs, go them home, made dinner and entertained them. Why should she have to add the making of a cup of tea to her list to pander to her grumpy husband.

He should be the one walking through the door and being appreciative of everything she has done in her day and joining forces with her to continue the evening routine of tidying up after dinner and doing bath and bed time etc. Not coming in and having a tantrum because the house isn’t pristine.

This is how I feel.
hmm it’s tough.
I appreciate all the advice even though it’s all over the place !!
no one is perfect I guess . It just makes me a bit sad as I love our family set up so much and get so much joy from the kids. It’s hard yes but also so joyful.

Of course but you said he has 'no insight' so that's what needs to be tackled. Just blaming people, as so many do on here, gets nobody anywhere.

Have you sat him down and asked him why he thinks he reacts the way he does when he comes home etc?

Is it the 1950’S 😂😂😂

You might not call it abusive but I would . . . imagine your children growing up waiting for him to kick off at anytime. That's what's happening now - that's abusive.

He needs to be a big boy and manage his own emotions. You don’t need to be responsible for this. He needs to decompress before he gets in. Longer drive with a podcast. Sit and have a take away tea/coffee. The fact he’s complaining about the house etc suggest he doesn’t think it’s his responsibility - which is bollocks. He needs to be an active member of the household and look at how things could be smoother/tidier etc and how he can help not expect you to manage it.

I count my blessings that my husband is patient and considerate with me. I'm not ND, but I am stress prone, being married to someone who isn't stress prone is a godsend! My husband would've liked more children, but one was all I ever wanted, I could never have coped with three.

A household with three or more young children with both parents working is a tall order. That said, I think the OP's husband's behaviour is unacceptable. The sexual demands are a worrying aspect too.

I am not justifying his behaviour but I also hate when the kids jump on me the minute I get home. I message their carer I am on my way, they keep them in their playroom while I get home (6pm), take a quick shower and change. This is my 10 minutes of decompression. And then I am at my best with them. If this routine breaks I am grumpy and touched out, I realise they don’t deserve me like this but I need my 10 minutes in the shower. Then their carer leaves and I prep dinner for me and DH (he comes home around 6.30-7) and we spend an hour with the kids. They go to bed at 8pm which gives us time to spend together as a family (TV, board games).

maybe discuss a routine that works for him for when he gets home?