Conflicted after DS hit DD and she fought back and beat him up?

[ForAmpleRobin]

Bit of sibling drama today and I’m not sure if I’m handling it right.

My DD is 9 and my DS is 11. Lately there’s been a bit of tension because she’s actually stronger and faster than him at a lot of things like running and general physical things. DD and my niece have started doing cross country and the girls have been practicing whilst we’ve been out on family walks as well as racing each other. DS is quite competitive and I think it bothers him more than he lets on that DD and his cousin are faster and stronger than him.

They were messing around earlier in the garden doing races and silly “strength competitions” like who can get who on the ground first and DS got increasingly annoyed when DD and DN kept winning. It escalated into him hitting his sister and trying to subdue her but she fought back.
She ended up properly beating him up. DN quickly came and told me about it and then I had to carry him inside and DH took DN home. He is covered in cuts and his bruises are starting to show up.

Obviously I’ve told them that hitting isn’t acceptable, but if I’m being completely honest I also felt proud that she’s confident and doesn’t back down. At the same time I know DS is feeling humiliated by being beaten up by his younger sister and that DN will spread it to the rest of the family. However this would help him learn his lesson!

AIBU for feeling conflicted about this? How would you handle it with both of them? I feel like I don’t know what the best punishment would be? I was thinking of grounding them both for fighting but then DD was in self defence so is it unfair and shall I just ground DS?

Does him being her brother mean it doesn't hurt when he hits her?

The boy thought he could just hurt her and push her around because she's younger, female and his sister. The boy fucked up, learnt the hard way and now he knows better.

As for his reasoning for hitting her? Having the misogyny knocked out of him might not be a bad thing.

This!

I grew up with violence (not against me but in the home). It's not the answer

The more I think about this the more it makes no sense.
Most 11 year old boys have no interest in playing with their younger siblings, even more so younger sisters.
Especially in games where they will not win or will be humiliated.
I am more convinced the the ds is being bullied by the girls and the "games" are a cover story for their actions.

Several posters have said they fought with their brothers , one even said she ' used to beat him up' and the problem stopped when the boy hit puberty. My sons didn't reach puberty til they were 14 mind you. But perhaps this DD will also moderate her behaviour with the onset? Which might well be earlier than his .

You're talking about an 11 yr old boy and 9 yr old girl. Violence between them should be firmly discouraged. Her punching back would have been self-defence but whaling on him was not.

If you think being beaten by a girl is going to "knock out" any misogyny he may have picked up, then I don't think you have much emotional intelligence. 🙄

@Balloonhearts we don’t know whether the boy was hurt in the competitive game involving who could be pushed to the ground first (which it would appear the boy was losing). He could have hit/pushed sister away to stop the game and then got beaten up

They both gave in to rage and temper. They should be punished equally.

Wow, so much to unpack here… physical violence on both sides; the idea that there is “shame”
in being hit by a girl; and don’t even get me started on a 9-year-old having a phone…

This experience is more likely to have knocked misogyny into him, unfortunately.

I seriously hope you don’t have any children with this attitude.

Four. None of which behave like this.

So you say that none of your children behave like this, yet you’re condoning ops daughters appalling behaviour?

Would you have been proud of your daughter if she’d beaten up her brother in these circumstances and covered him in cuts and bruises?

Because if so that’s messed up.

whilst he got what he ‘deserved’ I would punish both. Him for starting it and taking his insecurities out on his sister and her for not stopping. She’s obviously a strong girl and it sounds severe that she’s hurt him so badly. She needs to learn self control. Then I would find something for your son to get his teeth into. Take him to a martial arts class, fitness class or whatever you think he may thrive in. He’s obviously very low in confidence and needs something that will build him up, teach discipline and something he can feel some self worth

And honestly all this about the girl being so strong and able to beat her brother up and him being so humiliated and insecure only feeds into misogyny.

The truth is that the brother will grow up and soon be easily able to overpower his sister, so hopefully he doesn’t decide to get her back, because then they’ll all have worse problems.

These children need to be taught that there are far more important qualities than who is the ‘strongest’, and to be kind to one annother and stop playing horrible, rough games.

As mentioned by others, self defence is proportionate and only enough to stop the attack, if it goes further than that and it sounds like it did, it's not self defence. Your daughter needs to be told that. Your son needs to taught how to regulate his emotions and that hitting out physically in these kinds of situations is not okay. Is there a possibility your daughter was teasing him and being a sore winner? If so, that's another thing to talk to her about. I would still celebrate your son's birthday.

I wouldn't cancel his birthday. He already got his ass kicked so along with any other punishment you've done would enough.

It's one thing for your your daughter to defend herself but she took it to far.

I wonder if @ForAmpleRobin will be back

Jesus what the fuck is going on. They both behaved appallingly. Totally get the need to defend herself but to beat him up until he needed to be carried? Absolutely out of order. No one has come out of this smelling of roses and OP - you sound as if you are almost happy your daughter is able to beat your son up because she can now protect herself. They both need punishing.

Why is no one picking up that this thread feels like bait.

Everything OP has posted seems to be geared towards generating a very specific response. I would be careful with what some of you are posting I get the feeling this is being used to generate "content" elsewhere.

You need to do something about their fighting or someone will get properly hurt when they’re bigger. Mine have never got physical like that, and the eldest is 19. I don’t think it’s normal from my friend’ experiences either.

Not to mention we are several pages in and OP has disappeared.

Me too!

Wow. I actually cannot believe what I'm reading. That is horrifying behaviour from both your children but especially your daughter. And the comments saying well done?! What an earth do you think his school will say when they see him? It's assault. If your dd were 10 she could be arrested. Your kids need help and so do you if you think any of that is in anyway acceptable. What a fucking mess. Expect a Safeguarding referral.

I don't think that necessarily means they're a ragebaiter. It might just mean they didn't like the way the thread was going.